Page 12 of Ashes to Ashes

“Forgive me for asking, but you didn’t really …”

He didn’t have to finish his question; I knew exactly what camenext.

“No, I didn’t.”

His lips thinned and he nodded. “That’s what I figured. It didn’t jive with my impression of you. Then, ornow.

“You’re probably giving me too much credit then,” I said. “I was pretty fucked up for a long time. I didn’t try to kill myself, and I certainly didn’t overdose, but I was pretty far gone down a deep, dark hole nonetheless.” I wrapped my arms around my center. “Rocky found me face down in a pool of my own vomit.”

Ash swiped his hand across his chin and covered his lush, full mouth for a second before dropping it away. “They said you weren’t alone.”

It was a statement posed as a question. One I hated, but knew needed to be answered. It was all part of the atoning thing I’d learned about in rehab. Still, that didn’t mean I had to watch his face turn from interested to disgusted. Turning away from his probing, questioning stare, I responded. “I wasn’t.”

Silence hung awkward and heavy between us before he spoke again. “Should I get tested?”

My cheeks pink with shame, I let out the breath I’d been holding. “I’m clean. Here,” I said, moving to my computer to pull up a scanned copy of my health report. “I’ll show you my test results so you know I’m not lying.”

Ash stood and waved his hand. “That’s okay, I believeyou.”

“You do?” I asked, surprised at his easy capitulation.

He scrutinized me for a moment, and then nodded his. “You have no reason to lie. Besides, I’ve already been tested and came back clean.”

“Why’d you ask methen?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes, honestly.” I huffed.

“Because I wanted to see how you’d respond.”

“And did I pass your little test?” I asked, my voice laced with disdain and a touch offury.

“It wasn’t a test, per se,” Ash answered. “More of a confirmation of what I already thought.”

“And thatwas?”

He stepped closer. “That even though you’ve been through some shit these past couple of years, you don’t make excuses for your behavior. You own it. You own up to what you’ve done and who you were. You could play the woe-is-me card, but I don’t think that’s what youwant.”

I shouldn’t have been shocked that he’d read me so well. Ash had been military—Special Forces—and that meant he was trained to assess situations and make snap-judgement decisions that could literally be the difference between life and death. Ash trusted his instincts and went with what his gut told him, and his gut said I was trustworthy—even if I hadn’t always been responsible.

But he was wrong about one thing. I was feeling very woe is me. Or at least my musicwas.

“About that …” I began. “You were at the label with us the other day, so you know what this record is going to be like. My music is going to address a number of hard truths and it’s going to sound like I’m asking for people’s sympathy.”

“But you’re not,” he affirmed, taking another step forward. “I understand what you’re doing and why. It wouldn’t be my first choice if I were in your shoes, but you need to set the record straight. I getthat.”

“Do you?” I asked, my head tilted to the side as I studied him up close.

“I do,” he answered, his voice dropping low and gruff. His eyes flicked between mine, looking for something I didn’t know how to give, and then his hand came up and hovered near my hip. When he raised his eyebrow in question, looking for my permission, I swallowed and gave it to him. Ash slid his palm over my hip to rest in the curve of my waist. “I know I’m just a nobody, but I’ve been to my own dark places, Rae, and I know sometimes you just need to tell someone what you’ve seen, where you’ve been. How you survived to come out into the light.”

His fingers skimmed under the hem of my cotton tank to rest against bare flesh. Their presence was warm and comforting against my skin; tantalizing and tempting. “You’re a survivor.”

“How can you say that?” I asked on a pained whisper. “I wasn’t a good person. I hurt people, I hurt myself.”

“And you survived.” He squeezed my waist and then took a few steps back, his hands sliding from my body in a soft caress I felt down to the tips of mytoes.

Our gazes locked, and we shared a moment of silent understanding. We came from completely different worlds—since making it big, I’d been pampered and coddled and I’d almost fallen apart when my world came crashing down, while Ash had seen horrors and atrocities I could only imagine—but in each other we recognized a kindred soul, someone who knew what it was like to fight with demons every damn day. I’d never forgotten how I’d felt after my night with him, and I’d been surprised as hell when he’d walked back into my life, but never for a moment had I thought he’d be the person who saw straight through the walls I’d built … and understand exactly what lay hidden there.

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