Page 21 of Ashes to Ashes

“Idid.”

“I’m don’t know if I liked it,” I continued, keeping my eyes trained on his face, looking for a glimmer of emotion.

Ash rested his elbows on his knees and made a steeple with his fingers. Propping his chin on the point, he studied me, his shrewd eyes raking over my face, then down my body, and back up again. “Your body said otherwise.”

I met his challenging stare with one of my own, my eyebrow cocked. “I’m not denying that I came. What I’m telling you is that I didn’t enjoy the overall experience. I didn’t appreciate you dismissing my wants.”

“Is that what you think happened?” he asked, and I could see he was truly perplexed.

“I wouldn’t have said so otherwise.”

He sat back and rubbed his hand over his beard. “I …” He paused, and then, thinking better of whatever it was he’d intended to say, cleared his throat. “My apologiesthen.”

“I don’t want you to apologize,” I huffed, exasperated. “I want us to talk aboutit.”

He shrugged, the gesture meant to be nonchalant, but Ash wasn’t the only one who could read people, who knew how to interpret body language. He wasn’t as comfortable as he wanted me to believe. “It’s not a big deal. If you didn’t like it, it won’t happen again.”

“You’re lying,” I challenged, and this time I did get a reaction. A small one, but the slight widening of his eyes and the tightening of his jaw said I’d struck a nerve. “Look, I’m just going to put this out there, and then we can drop it if you’d like. We’re going to be spending a lot of time together—probably more than I’ve spent with anyone, save Charlotte—and we’ve proven we’re not great at keeping our hands to ourselves. So … I’m just saying that I think it’s important that we figure out how this is going towork.”

“You didn’t enjoy yourself, but you want a repeat performance?” Ash’s brow furrowed.

I tried switching tactics. “Before, in Boise, were you bossy like earlier?”

“You really don’t remember that night, doyou?”

“Not all of it,” I admitted. “I see flashes of it, snippets really, but nothing concrete.”

The line of his shoulders tightened, and he rubbed the pad of his fingers over his lips. “I didn’t intend to go back to your hotel. If I’m being honest, when I approached you with that shot of bourbon, the most I was hoping for was a quick blowjob in the bathroom or something.”

He paused, as if waiting for me to argue over the indelicacy of the scene he painted. He’d be waiting a long time, if that was the case. I loved giving blow jobs. It was one of the things I missed most about my self-enforced celibacy. There was just something so fucking primal about being down on your knees with a big, thick, pulsing cock in your mouth. Primal, and powerful.

“Right,” he continued when I didn’t balk. “If I’d known you were so drunk you wouldn’t remember me in the morning, I wouldn’t have gone home with you. I’ve done a metric ton of bad shit in my life, but taking advantage of a woman who is incapable of making wise decisions isn’t part of thedeal.”

I regretted that my honesty made him feel as if he’d taken advantage of me. Since that wasn’t at all how I remembered my time with him, I said, “You’re not responsible for my shitty life choices. If it sets your mind at ease, I definitely remember some things. Walking into the hotel lobby, kissing in the elevator, stumbling to my room with another bottle of Jack clenched in my fist. The drunken removal of clothing. It’s just what comes after that is fuzzy.” I smiled weakly. “I wanted you in my room. I made that decision.”

I fell silent, the only sound the whirring of the jet’s engine.

Eventually, Ash clasped his fingers over his abs. “Alright, if you sayso.”

“I do,” I nodded. “So, about what happenednext …”

“Are you sure you want to know?” he asked, his eyes flicking between mine with concern.

I nodded. “I needto.”

Picking up his glass of soda water and lime, Ash took a long drink, set it down, and studied me for a few seconds before speaking. “You kept begging me to make you feel something. Anything but the numbness, is what you said. At one point, you slapped me across the face and yelled at me to just fuck you already. I thought about leaving because it was clear you had issues, but … I didn’t.” He rubbed his index finger over his lips again. “I couldn’t.”

“Were you …” I paused, looking for the right words. “Did you try to control me then, too?”

“I’m not always like that,” he said, his admission startling in its rawness, its vulnerability. “I prefer it that way, but I don’t need it. But you? You needed it that night.”

I sucked in a breath of surprise as he continued.

“Your emotions were all over the place. One minute you’d be kissing me like I was the last man on earth, and the next you’d be pacing the room, telling me you hadn’t done anything wrong. I asked what you were talking about, but you’d just go back to kissing me, telling me you didn’t want to talk about it. I could tell you were hurting so I asked what you wanted me to do. You told me to make you feel. So I took control.”

I closed my eyes and tried to conjure up a memory of that night. Maybe it was hearing his version of events, but this time, his words brought more to the surface than I’d been able to recall before. “You tied my hands to the headboard,” I breathed out, as a memory of him using two of my scarves to bind me to the posts fluttered to the surface. I could almost feel the fabric snaking softly over my wrists. “And …” I tilted my head, chasing a hazy picture. “Did you make me come up with a safeword?”

I opened my eyes to find Ash watching me. “Always.”

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