Page 50 of Ashes to Ashes

Chapter Nineteen

Ash

I’d heardmy brothers-in-arms describe events in their lives that marked a clear delineation between the men they’d once been and the men they became. Usually, these moments of insight were tied to tragedy; of profound loss and pain. I knew this, because I’d had one such experience myself. But not for the reasons most people assumed.

And I was about to talk about it for the first timeever.

But first, I dragged a spoon through the meaty sauce she was cooking. When I swallowed, I said, “Goddamn woman, that’s delicious. And I know my sauce.” I slapped her ass and dropped the spoon into the sink. Hopping onto the counter, I braced myself for the difficult conversation ahead. Not the hardest I’d ever had, but not a walk in the park either.

“I was twenty-one when I met Sonia. She was twenty-five.”

“Ooh, an older woman,” she teased over her shoulder.

I smiled, my lips tight. I knew Rae wasn’t trying to make light of the situation. Lord knew, if there was a woman alive who understood the desire not to be judged for your past sins, Rae was it. Which was probably why I’d let myself get close to her in the first place. While I’d never intended our relationship to go this far, I couldn’t deny that subconsciously I’d recognized she could be a safe haven.

“She was also my brother’swife.”

The long wooden spoon stopped moving and Rae’s posture went rigid. “That must have been difficult,” she eventually answered, the line of her shoulders relaxing as she went back to stirring.

“It was,” I confirmed. “Ethan—that’s my brother—he and I were close growing up. Well, as close as you could be with a six-year age gap. But he didn’t mind taking me with him to practice, teaching me how to play guitar. Things like that. He was … well, he was justgood.

“When he went away to college, he came home regularly. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. You know, whenever he had time off. But then the summer after his sophomore year, he seemed different. Not sullen exactly, but quiet. Reserved. And he tip-toed around our father in a way I’d never noticed before.

“One night when I was fourteen, I walked into the kitchen and found our asshole father standing over Ethan, red-faced and angry. Our mother just sat there smoking a cigarette while her husband railed against her oldest son.” My mother wasn’t necessarily a bad woman, but I’d never forgotten the cold, almost bored, expression on her face that night either. She was from a generation of women who’d been taught to never question the man of the house. Even though her husband was an abusive jerk, she never spoke a word againsthim.

Rae set the spoon down and turned to face me. “I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been foryou.”

“It wasn’t the first time I’d heard our dad yell at Ethan, but it was the first time I’d seen him just sit there and take it. Before I could jump to his defense, my mom sent me to my room. I’d argued that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but then the old man turned on me. Pulling his belt from its loops, he advanced on me, saying that if I didn’t listen to her, he’d make sure I couldn’t sit for a week. When I looked to Ethan for guidance, he mouthed, ‘Go.’ So Idid.

“When I came down for supper a few hours later, Ethan was gone. I received a letter in the mail two days later with an email address where I could reach him if I ever needed to talk. Later, I heard from my best friend, who’d heard it from his sister, who had overheard her mom gossiping on the phone, that my father had kicked Ethan out. Apparently, there’d been some trouble at school—something about cheating—and Ethan had been expelled. I didn’t see him again for three years.”

“Wow,” Rae whispered. “That’s horrible. Your poor brother.”

I scratched the back of my neck self-consciously. If she thought that made him Poor Ethan, I could only imagine what she’d think when she learned the rest of the story.

I cleared my throat and kept speaking. “Our dad died six months later. Ethan could have come home anytime he wanted to, but he’d moved to San Francisco and was building a life there. We kept in touch, though. He came back a few times a year, showing up at my concerts unannounced. He never stayed in the house again though.”

“That must have been rough foryou.”

“Nah, I was a selfish teenager by then and I had my own troubles to worry about. I actually thought it was awesome my big bro lived out in San Francisco. He’d landed an internship at an indie record label and had managed to work his way up. I had a shitty little garage band so I had all these ideas about him passing along our demo and us hitting it big. Never mind the label he worked for wasn’t very successful.

“But then by the time my senior year of college rolled around, things had changed. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do with my degree, so when Ethan said I should go live with him, I jumped at the chance. What he failed to mention was that he’d gotten married since the last time we’d spoken.”

“Wait. Your brother did tell you he’d gotten married?”

“Nope,” I answered, fidgeting with a utensil. “When Sonia opened the door to his apartment, it came as quite a shock.”

“I know I keep interrupting,” Rae said, “but I’m just trying to wrap my head around this. First your brother invites you to live with him without mentioning his new wife, and then he wasn’t even there to welcome you when you arrived?”

“That pretty much sums it up. What’s that look for?” Rae’s eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were pursed tightly.

“Sorry. I tend to get carried away imagining these perfect families—mom, dad, two kids, family dog, white picket fence—and how nice it would have been to have had a sibling but …” She trailedoff.

“Yeah, I get it” I nodded. I knew better than most that the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side. “I should probably clarify that even though we’d kept in touch and he’d invited me to live with him, we weren’t exactly close. It was more like we stayed in touch out of familial obligation versus any real sense of brotherly affection.” I set the fork I’d been twisting aside. “I think he felt guilty for leaving me to fend for myself with our ma after the old mandied.”

We were quiet for a few seconds after that. Me considering the strange nature of my relationship with my brother, and Rae … well, I assumed Rae was reconsidering her ideals. It was difficult to let go of pre-conceived notions you’d held onto your whole life, but the sooner Rae understood that all families were fucked up, the sooner she could stop carrying the chip on her shoulder.

“So anyhow,” I said once the silence had stretched to an uncomfortable length. I needed to get this over with, and the quicker the better. “When Sonia opened the door, I thought I had the wrong address. But then she squealed, threw her arms around me, and said how excited she was to finally meet Ethan’s little brother.” I shook my head as I recalled how she’d fussed over me to the point I had to politely ask her to back the fuckoff.

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