Page 51 of Ashes to Ashes

“I tried calling Ethan, but he didn’t pick up his phone or respond to texts. That set Sonia off, and her mood shifted. She went from being all sweet and familial to … well, not so familial, if you get my drift.”

“How so?” Rae glanced at the stove to make sure the sauce looked the way she wanted it to. Satisfied, she turned her face back to me and waited for my answer.

“For starters, she walked in on me when I was in the shower.”

“She didn’t!” Her hand shot up to cover a horrified expression.

“Yup,” I nodded and chewed on my lip. Glancing away, I said, “I was so busy jacking it that I didn’t hear her come in until she opened the shower curtain. She was completely naked.”

“Holy fuck,” Rae whispered.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” I ran my hand over my beard and scratched at the skin beneath. “When I jumped back, she stepped over the ledge, dropped to her knees, and said, ‘Let me help you out with that,’ like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to want to suck my cock. I tried to push her away, but it was slippery and I didn’t want to hurt her, so …” I shrugged. “I guess I could have tried harder, or been more forceful, but when she took my dick in her mouth, I just blanked ... and went withit.”

“Wow. I can’t believe she did that. I mean, I’ve done some fucked up shit in my time, but I never cuckolded my husband with his younger brother, much less in his own house.” Realizing how judgmental her words came across, Rae’s eyes went wide. “Shit, I didn’t mean it likethat.”

“No, you did. But it’s okay.” I jumped down from the counter and when to the fridge to grab a beer. It wasn’t until my head was stuck in the icy cold compartment that I realized there wasn’t a drop of alcohol in the house. Shit. I could have used something to dull my nerves right then. Instead, I pulled out a soda and held one up to Rae. “Wantone?”

“No thanks,” she answered, indicating the sparking water with lemon on the counter next to her elbow.

Popping the cap, I took three deep swallows, my eyes burning as the fizzy liquid snaked down my throat. I could chug a beer like nobody’s business, but soda? Not on yourlife.

I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms. “I know I should have done things differently, but I didn’t. I let her suck my cock and the truth is, I enjoyed it. I felt terrible afterward, but while it was happening? Not somuch.”

“Did you, did she …” Rae paused, searching for the right words. Finally, she asked, “Did you guys ever talk about why she did that? Why you let her doit?”

You could tell Rae had spent some time in therapy. She probably didn’t hear it, but I was certain she’d been asked a similar question once upon atime.

“Oh, we talked about it alright. For the life of me, I have no idea why she and Ethan got married in the first place. She cried a lot about how Ethan treated her—begged him to stay home more often—but he always had another club to visit or another concert to scope out. The first six weeks I was there, he was at home maybe ten nights in total. Not that his absence excused the things we did behind his back, but sometimes it felt like Sonia and I were the married couple, while Ethan was the visiting brother.”

“Did heknow?”

I looked straight into Rae’s eyes. I’d been hiding my misdeeds from the world for years, and I refused hide from her. Not anymore. “I think he suspected. He’d ask me how ‘the missus’ was doing, or whether or not Sonia was making me feel welcome enough in his absence. His comments grated on me, and they drove Sonia insane.

“The other thing I struggled with was he’d asked me to move out to California so he could help get my music off the ground, but the meetings he promised to arrange never materialized. I went to a few clubs with him under the guise of them being work related, but as far as I could tell, there was very little work beingdone.”

“That sucks, Ash. But it doesn’t excuse what you did.” Rae shook her head disapprovingly, but her eyes and her tone remained sympathetic. She knew a thing or two about owning her shit, so she wasn’t going to let me shirk my responsibility. I could appreciate that about her, even if it was difficult to be on the receiving end ofit.

“You don’t need to say it. Trust me, I know.” I scratched at my bare arms. I’d held this inside for so long, and now it wanted out. Like a swarm of angry bees, I could practically feel the vibrations under my skin. “It’s fucked up. All ofit.”

Rae nodded. “I know a thing or two about what goes on behind the scenes of the music industry. I’ve been in those clubs, in those meetings that aren’t really meetings. I’m assuming he was cheating onher?”

“I never actually saw Ethan cheat on Sonia, but that’s only because he was always leaving me behind while he’d disappear into some back room with one entourage or another. The most fucked-up part about those nights was when I’d get bored and head home, Sonia would sneak into my room and beg for a play-by-play of the night. Things like, did Ethan smile at any other women; did he buy drinks for anyone? She’d get herself worked up, and I’d try to calm her down, and the next thing you knew, we’d be fucking again. I always swore this time would be the last, but it never was. It never was.” I cleared my throat, which had gone scratchy with shame and overuse. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d carried on a conversation thislong.

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“And go where?” I asked. “I didn’t have a steady job or anything, so I didn’t have enough cash to get my own place.” When she stared at me skeptically, I said, “Look, I know how that sounds. I should have gone back home, or slept on someone’s couch until I figured my shit out, but by the time I’d been there almost a year, I’d convinced myself that Sonia was the injured party, and by being there for her, I was doing what my brother wouldn’t.

“Looking back, I know that was a delusional way of viewing our fucked-up situation, but I was in love. Sonia claimed to love my brother, while telling me that she needed me. Although, looking back now, I’m not sure how you can say you love one man when you’re fucking another.” I scratched my beard, deep in thought. I wish I’d been mature enough back then to have come to that conclusion much sooner. “She’d break down crying and tell me we’d stop what we were doing just as soon as Ethan came to his senses. The problem was, he neverdid.”

“How long did your affairlast?”

I looked to the ceiling. God, I was so ashamed to say it, but the words had to be spoken. “Over two years.”

“You were fucking your brother’s wife under his nose for two years and he never caught you in the act? Shit, he really must not have cared.”

“Like I said, I don’t think he did.” I gritted my teeth to keep myself from saying what I really thought of Ethan. I regretted the part I’d played in his marriage, and if I had to do it all over again, I liked to think I’d be a stronger person—a better man—but Ethan wasn’t without blame. He drove Sonia into another man’s arms with the callous way he treated her. That the other man was me was unfortunate, but …well, but nothing.

After a few moments of internal self-recrimination, Rae spoke up. “I hesitate to ask, but how does October 26 play into allthis?”

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