Page 54 of Ashes to Ashes

“But—”

“There are no buts, Ash. You did a despicable thing, but it’s not your fault she’s dead. Do you hold yourself responsible for all the others who died that afternoon?”

“No,” I chokedout.

“Then you need to let go of the responsibility you feel for her. It was a tragedy, but it wasn’t your doing.”

“It gets worse,” I groaned from between clenched teeth.

“I want to know everything about you, Ash, but what you told me just now took courage. I don’t need to hear anymore today. You can tell me when you’re ready. All I’ll say—again—is that you’re not responsible for what happened to that woman.”

Rae giving me a pass for Sonia’s death was one thing, but when she found out came later, I didn’t think she’d ever be able to look at me the same way. That she hadn’t already walked away from me, knowing what I’d done to my own brother, was a minor miracle. She was either the most forgiving woman on the face of the planet, or the most naive. Then again, she’d spend a long time learning to forgive herself, so maybe she was just better at it than Iwas.

“I’ve already told you this much, I may as well finish.” I blew out a breath. “Besides, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to talk about this again and I need to tell you. You’ve shared so much of yourself with me and you’re right—if I can’t do the same, there’s no hope for a future between us. I want that Rae. Goddamn, but I want it.” I pulled her in tighter, as I fought to bring the stinging in my throat and eyes under control. I hadn’t cried in years, and I had no desire to startnow.

Her eyes turned watery and she gave me a small smile. “It means so much to me that you’re willing to expose your past like this. I know it’s painful. Trust me, I getit.”

I dropped a kiss to her forehead. “I know. That’s why I feel safe tellingyou.”

“I’m glad,” she answered, curling into the crook of my arm and resting her cheek against my chest.

It was the best damn feeling in the world, having her support, knowing that she understood how personal demons worked and was willing to meet mine head on. I yet I worried that despite her understanding so far, when I pushed the rest of my demons out into the light of day, she might be tempted to flee. I hoped she wouldn’t, but nothing I knew of Rae’s past was as bad as what I’ddone.

“The next day I went down to help with the rescue efforts. It was mayhem. Oh god, the smell.” I shuddered at the memory. Sometimes I could still smell all that charred flesh on the wind. “I pulled a few survivors out of the rubble, but mostly it was just mangled bodies, mutilated beyond belief. You never forget a sight likethat.

“I didn’t see Ethan for two days, and when I did … well.” I pulled in a deep breath. “Keep in mind, I didn’t know that he knew about Sonia and me. Because he’d never acted like he cared, I guess I didn’t think he actually cared. But that day …” I trailed off, the pain of that encounter as fresh now as it had been all those yearsago.

“The second I walked through the door, he flew at me. I saw then what our affair had cost him.” I shook my head, but couldn’t dislodge the memory of his scorn. “I was bigger and stronger than he was, so I just stood there and took the beating. Eventually, he tired himself out and flopped onto the couch. When I got up, that’s when I saw thegun.”

Rae’s whole body tensed up and I literally felt her holding her breath. “No.”

I wrapped my arms around her tighter. “Yeah, and something elsetoo.”

“I’m afraid toask.”

“A sonogram.”

Rae sucked in a gasp and rolled into my embrace. “Oh Ash,” she cried against my chest.

“Sonia was pregnant. Apparently, that’s what finally set him off. He told me then he’d been fine knowing I was fucking his wife since he rarely did anymore, but he couldn’t forgive me for putting a baby in her belly, too.”

“She didn’t …” Rae couldn’t get the question out, but I knew what she was asking.

“No, she never told me. It turns out, the nights Ethan did come home, he’d wake up to find her riding him. Knowing that she was fucking me, he never instigated sex with her. So when she resorted to those types of tricks, he became suspicious and figured out she’d wanted him to think the baby washis.”

“She was going to pass off your baby as your brother’s?”

“That’s the conclusion we both cameto.”

“I know it’s not polite to speak ill of the dead, but fuck that bitch!” Rae moved out from my embrace. Standing with her hands on her hips, her rage broke free. “Who the fuck does that? She seduces you literally the first day you meet, then she strings you along for years by crying on your shoulder, and then when she gets pregnant with your baby, she wasn’t even going to tell you?” Rae’s chest sawed in and out as her breath came in quick, angry gulps.

All at once, Rae straddled my legs and sat in my lap, our faces only a foot or so apart. Placing her palms against my cheeks, she leaned in close enough that I could feel her breath on my skin. Her voice dropping low, she said, “I know you loved her, Ash, but she was a lunatic. I’ve done some pretty shitty stuff in my day, but even at my lowest I always knew there were some things you just didn’t do. Some lines you absolutely did not cross.”

Her face went soft, her lips began to tremble, and her eyes turned liquid. And then she whispered, “Oh my god. That’s what this is about. You didn’t only lose the woman you loved that day; you lost your baby too.” Her hands slid from my face and hung limply at her side as she sat back on my thighs.

I nodded. “And my brother.”

“I assume he’s never forgivenyou?”

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