Page 72 of Ashes to Ashes

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Ash

Rae flung the door open.“What the fuck? You don’t need me? You don’t want me?” She stalked further into the room until she was standing directly in front of me, the tips of our toes touching. Her nose wrinkled and she sucked in a surprised gasp. “You’re drinking?”

I lifted the crystal decanter to my lips and threw back a large swallow. Wincing as the whiskey burned its way down my throat, I held it in front of my face. “That’s what it lookslike.”

Her shoulders sunk and all the fight went out of her. “Why?” she asked, her voice coming out tiny. Hurt.

“Because I want to,” I said, raising my chin in defiance. And then because I was the biggest asshole in the world, I held it out to her. “Wantsome?”

Rae jumped back and wrapped her arms around her middle. “Why are you doing thisAsh?”

I set the decanter on the rug at my feet. “Doingwhat?”

“Acting like you don’t care. Trying to hurt me.” Her eyes dropped to the whiskey, and she licked her lips. “Trying to breakme.”

“I’m trying to get you to see that we’re not good for each other.”

“That’s not true,” she cried, taking a step forward and then stopping her momentum. It was like the decanter of whiskey at my feet was an invisible force field between us, and even if she wanted to, she couldn’t get close. “You love me. I loveyou.”

I leaned my head back, and my eyes fell closed. “It’s not enough, Rae.”

“At least you’re not denying that you love me,” she said, pulling out a chair and dropping into it. “That’s something.”

I peeked one eye open. “No, I’m not denying that. But it doesn’t change the facts, Rae, and the sooner you accept them, the easier this willbe.”

“And what are these facts, Ash? Please, help me understand, because I’m completely lost. Everything was perfect. Yesterday things were so good between us, and then I show up today, and you’re a totally different person. You’re like a stranger to me rightnow.”

I opened my other eye and sat up with a groan. “That’s just it though. This isn’t me being a stranger. This is me being me. The me you don’t know. The me you haven’t seen because everything has been about you. This is who I am, Rae. I told you before; I’m not a good man. You just didn’t believeme.”

“Except you’ve never been like this before,” she whispered. “Am I suddenly supposed to believe that you’re a miserable asshole who pushes the people who love him away?” She pointed at the whiskey accusingly. “You know I can’t be around that stuff.”

“But what if I don’t want to give it up just because you can’t be around it? What if I want something different from life than you do?” I asked, thinking about how much she enjoyed the spotlight, how she needed to be the center of attention while all I wanted to do was sit home and play my guitar in front of a fire with Blanche and Dorothy lounging at myfeet.

“Are you telling me that a bottle of whiskey is more important to you than I am?” she asked as her eyes brimmed with tears. Eyes, I couldn’t help but notice, were the same amber color as the whiskey I’d been drinking when she’d comein.

I knew if I answered “yes” that’d be the end of us. That I’d never see her again. And while a clean break is what I wanted for her sake, I’d already hurt her enough for one lifetime. I didn’t need to break her in the process as well. I couldn’t be the reason she picked up a bottle again. I was a heartless dick; I wasn’t cruel.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” I said, grabbing the bottle and pushing up off thesofa.

I crossed the room to a locked cabinet and punched in the secret code. The doors swung open, revealing a cache of weapons and several bottles of good liquor. I’d hidden them away when I’d decided to bring Rae up here. During her stay here, I’d indulged in a few drinks, but I’d always made sure there was no trace of the liquor on my breath or my lips. Her sobriety was important to me because she was important to me. Even if I had a shit way of showingit.

Then why are you tempting her with that shit now?my subconscious snarled.

Because I knew the only way I could get her to leave would be if she thought she was in danger. And since she already knew I’d give my life to protect her, this was the only other way. She had to walk out of my house, secure in the knowledge that leaving was what was best for her. Knowing that if she stayed, she might wind up right where she’d been before.

She had to be afraid tostay.

“Then what are you saying?”

With my back still to her, I dropped my head forward. “I’m saying we’re through.”

“No!” she screamed, throwing a paperweight at my head. It missed and knocked a frame off the wall instead. The glass shattered all over my carpet. “You turn around and look me in the face when you break my heart, Ash Devereaux. You don’t get to be a coward. Not now. Not after everything we’ve been through.”

I squared my shoulders and turned around … and my heart broke. Rae was standing there with tears falling freely, her whole body trembling.

“You look me in the eye, and you tell me you don’t love me. You watch what you’re doing to me when you tell me you don’t want me anymore.”

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