Page 73 of Ashes to Ashes

“I don’t—” I groaned and linked my fingers together at the back of my head. “I can’t … Goddamn it, Rae. We’re not good for each other.”

“Why?” she asked, falling to her knees. “Tell me what I did to deservethis?”

Ignoring the pain in my side, I reached Rae in three strides and dropped down in front of her. Gathering her against me, I rocked us back and forth. “Shh,” I cooed, “don’tcry.”

“Fuck you,” she mumbled from within the confines of my embrace. “You’re breaking my heart right now, so I’ll cry if I damn well wantto.”

Ah, there’s my girl, I thought. Even as Rae was crumbling from the inside out, she was going down fighting. She might think I was breaking her, but she was stronger than that. She could endure anything. In fact, she’d endured much, much worse and made it out alive.

Just barely, that voice inside my head piped up needlessly.

Eventually, her tears dried up, and she pushed against my chest. Wiping her face dry with the backs of her hands, she looked me square in the eye. “Why, Ash? Just tell me why and then I’ll go. I need to understand what I did wrong. I can’t walk out that door without knowing.”

I dropped my hands between my thighs. “It’s not you, Rae. It’sme.”

She hiccupped and rolled her eyes. “Oh god, not the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse.”

I winced. It hadn’t sounded like that in my head, but she had a valid point. “Okay, how about it’s not me, it’syou.”

“Well, at least we’re finally getting somewhere,” she said, lowering herself to the carpet and crossing her legs in some twisted pretzel yoga pose I’d seen her fall into countless times.

I wrung my hands in front of me, hating that I had to admit I wasn’t man enough for her. But it needed to be done. I took a deep breath and let it out. “The truth is, you’re too much. Your star burns too bright, Rae. You need things I can’t giveyou.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, her head canted to theside.

“I saw you at the hospital,” I explained. “You were lit up like a candle when you were signing autographs and posing for pictures. You love it, and I don’t want to keep you from that. You live in Hollywood, I live here, out in the woods like a fucking hermit.”

Rae shook her head. “You stupid, stupid man,” she whispered. “I hate that shit, but it’s called being a professional. And it’s called making sure all those people liked me and wanted to protect my privacy, and by extension, yours. It’s giving them a piece of me so they didn’t walk right out those doors and call TMZ to tell them I was there visiting my boyfriend who’d been shot.” She scooted out from her pose and crawled over to me. “The truth is, what I really love is sitting here with you. The quiet. The solitude. The fact that I don’t have to be anyone other than who I am underneath all the glitz and glamour.”

I loved hearing that, but it didn’t change the reality of her world. “That doesn’t change things though, does it? You can’t leave all that behind. Especially notnow.”

“Who says I can’t?” she asked, climbing into my lap and throwing her arms over my shoulders. “It’s not like I can go back to my house. I’m homeless, Ash. Are you really going to kick me out?” She nuzzled into my neck, her lips tracing over the pulse beating strong in my neck. “Can’t I stayhere?”

Oh shit. I groaned and kept my hands locked at my sides. If I moved them even an inch, this conversation would end, and not with a resolution. It’d conclude with my cock down her throat or buried deep in her delicious cunt. And while I would normally welcome either scenario, now was not the time. A lot of things could be solved with a quick, hard fuck, but this wasn’t one ofthem.

“Rae, stop.” She bit my neck and sucked the skin into her wet, hot mouth, marking me. “Fuck, baby. You really need to stopthat.”

“If I don’t?” she asked, skating her palm down to my lap where she cupped my cock in her hand, making me instantly hard. “Will you punish me?” she teased seductively, trailing feather-light kisses up my jaw. “Will you put me over your knee and spankme?”

Shit, yes. That’s exactly what I wanted to do. But I didn’t think I was up for it, physically. I didn’t trust my stitches not to rupture as I brought my palm to her ass cheek with a heavyslap.

“Rae.”

“Please, Ash. Punish me. Mark me. Keepme.”

She straddled me, and I let out a moan when she slipped her hand into my pants and squeezed mycock.

“Be rough me with Ash. Please, I need it. I needyou.”

“I can’t, baby,” I said from between gritted teeth. “I want to, but I can’t.”

Her hand stilled, and a tiny sob escaped from between her lips as she tried to shimmy off mylap.

I banded my arm around her waist. “No, don’t go. I didn’t mean it like that. I physically can’t. I want nothing more than to give you everything you’re asking for, but the doctor was pretty clear onthat.”

“Oh! I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” She dropped her head to my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so selfish, I just thought …”

“What did you think?”

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