Page 91 of Spring Awakening

Oh.He’s not lying. She was hurt. He’s not wrong. It’s nothing compared to how she feels now, though.

“Oh my God,” she mutters. She slept with him because she loves him, and he fucked her because he thought it would make her feel better. How mortifying. Her legs feel shaky, like if she tried to move, she might fall to the ground. God, she thought she was heartbroken when her relationship ended years ago, but it’s nothing compared to this. How has he been in her life for a few months and she can’t picture the rest of it without him anymore?How has she been daydreaming about a family with him, about a home with him, about life with him, and he doesn’t want that back?

“Don’t lie to me,” she whispers. She wants to tell him to go fuck himself. She wants to tell him to get out of her house. She wants to tell him he’s breaking her heart, but she can’t get it out. The tears fall before she can stop them. She cries because she pushed it too far. She cries because she’s not sure they’ll ever be back to normal, when their normal is so different. She cries because she misses him, and she never even had him. “Break my heart if it’s true, but don’t lie to me.”

She cries becausehow did she get it so wrong?

“Mali,” he gasps, and his arms are around her before she can push him off. He seems shocked she’d be upset, and she knows he doesn’t think highly of himself, but she’s been so obvious. “No, no, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t—fuck. I—God, Mal. Mal, I didn’t mean it. Please, please don’t cry. Fuck. I’m such a fucking idiot.”

She pulls back. “What?”

“Please stop crying. Please.”

She pushes him off. “Zach, don’t lie to me. If you don’t—if it was just casual for you, you can say that.” She’s not sure she’ll forgive him because there was no need to kiss her. There was no need to tell her he imagines his kids having her hair. There was no need for any of it.

“There’s not a single thought in my mind about you that is casual,” he says.

She swallows, wiping at her face. “Then why did you say that?”

“I have to move to Scotland.” Her heart drops. Scotland is hours away. It’s the other end of the country.

“What?”

“My agent finally got in touch. The Dougals want me at the beginning of the next season.”

Mali frowns, wiping her cheeks. “The Dougals? Aren’t they in the premiership?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God,” she says. She doesn’t want him to leave, but above all else, she wants him happy. He’s been dreaming about the premiership for years. It’s all he’s ever wanted. Mali will have to visit him and his new Scottish girlfriend and pretend her entire life hasn’t been ripped apart. “Why aren’t you happy? This is what you wanted.”

“I don’t want to go.”

Mali frowns. “This is the premiership, Zach. This iseverythingyou wanted. Why don’t you want to go?”

“Because you’re right here.”

She blinks. “What?”

“You, Mal. You’re here. Of course I don’t want to go.”

“This is what you’ve been training for,” she whispers, but she doesn’t want him to go either. “This is what you’ve always wanted.”

“Everything I ever wanted ceased to exist the moment I saw you. You called me a fucking wanker in the carpark—”

“I did not.” She sniffs. She doesn’t cry again, but somehow, it’s worse.

“You practically spat in my face, and I have been hanging on your every word ever since. I don’t know how I’m supposed to leave you here.”

She wipes her cheeks again. So much has happened in three months, and she never thought it would end like this. “I’ll visit, and—and you can come back. Are you sure you have to go? Can’t we negotiate it?”

“I don’t have the money.” Zach swallows, his arms swinging by his side. “Can I touch you?”

“Yeah,” she replies, and he pulls her into his arms.

“I panicked when they told me, and I know you don’t like long distance, and I wanted to make it easier, but I forgot to ask Google ’cause I’m an idiot. Nothing I think about you is casual.” He kisses her once. “I’m so sorry.”

She kisses him back. “It’s going to be okay,” she lies. She wonders if she wishes he was telling the truth. That he only wanted to be casual with her because at least he’d be here. At least she wouldn’t spend every second of the day wondering what he’s doing, or if he’s lonely, or if he’s thinking about her. “We just need a plan.”

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