Page 60 of Back in the Saddle

“Maybe you forgot, just two days ago when you strutted out of a homeless camp at two in the morning on the mission of finding your brother.”

That lovely warm thing shifted again, feeling lovelier and warmer.

I attempted to ignore it (impossible!) and prompted, “Question two.”

“What were you thinking when I lost you ten minutes ago?”

Oh shit.

I said nothing.

“Jess, we had a deal. No bullshit. No evading,” he pushed.

It was gentle.

But he was pushing.

And we’d made a deal.

Fuck!

“He’d be you,” I forced out.

“Pardon?”

“Or Cap. Or Knox. Or Liam.” I referred to other members of the NI&S team. “If Jeff didn’t have his illness, he’d be like you. He’d be strong and fit and confident. And he’d do things to help people. He’d have a job that was about honor. Respect. And he can’t do that. He can’t be all he should be. So he has to live with this illness, and live knowing he can’t have that. Instead, he lives thinking he’s a burden to?—”

I cut myself off with a painful gulp.

“Jessie?” Eric called.

“I gotta go. Talk to you later,” I blurted.

And then I hung up.

It was rude. But I couldn’t stop myself from doing it.

Just like I couldn’t stop myself from turning off all my lights, flipping off my Vans, crawling into bed, and curling myself into the gloom.

It’d pass, this darkness. I knew that because it always did.

It had to.

Life went on, and I had to get on with it.

But I’d learned through the years to just let it happen. To feel it, not bury it, so I could get on with it.

I loved my brother. I wanted everything for him. And the reality of it was, he’d never have that.

And it was a bottomless pit of how much that sucked.

I didn’t know how much time had passed before I heard my front door open.

Great.

Eric had called Cap to tell Raye to look in on me.

Fabulous.

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