Page 184 of Back in the Saddle

And I learned quickly there was absolutely nothing better in the whole world than to have the fright of my life, followed by a prolonged witnessing of heartbreak, only to end that wrapped up in Eric’s strong arms in a darkened room in my bed.

You would think it would take me a while to wind down after all of that.

It didn’t.

Nuzzled close to Eric’s heat and hardness, safe in his strong arms, I fell right to sleep.

TWENTY

A PLAN

My eyes opened, and I got an instant view of Eric’s face, close-up and asleep.

How had I not noticed how long his lashes were and how many of them he had?

Now noting it, I knew it was something I’d never again miss. A thrill for the ages, or as long as we were together.

Something I was getting closer and closer to hoping would be forever.

The next thing I saw was, even in sleep, there was no boyishness or innocence left in him.

His mother dead before he hit high school, resulting in the loss of his brother and dad in different and painful ways, what he’d seen and done in the FBI—a dirty partner, a dead colleague—then a narcissistic wife.

Any kind of innocence had been stolen from him.

On this thought, I felt an almost overwhelming desire to smooth the black hair that had fallen over his forehead, and with my touch, take his past away, erase it like it never happened.

But I couldn’t.

Like I couldn’t take Jeff and Javi’s pain away that day.

Or I couldn’t give Jeff the mom and dad he needed. All kids needed patient and supportive parents, but kids like Jeff needed them more than most. And he’d never had that, not even close, not his entire life.

Or I couldn’t get Javi’s mom the help she needed so he didn’t have to live his entire life vulnerable, exposed to a world no kid should even know existed, having to do this at the same time look out for her.

Or I couldn’t make it so Stella hadn’t met Mace first, so instead, she’d fallen in love with Eric, and he wouldn’t have had to lose so much of his life to a woman like Savannah.

And that part was hard to think about because it meant, down the line, I would not be where I was right then with him.

But that was how deep my feelings had grown.

Because I knew I’d be happy if he was happy with someone else, loved by someone and free to love them, raising children together, without any of the shit he’d had to eat from his ex, even if that meant there’d be no shot for me.

All these thoughts tumbled in my brain and…

God.

I wanted to touch himso bad.

I didn’t, because he’d had two nights with very little sleep, he was sleeping now. I couldn’t give him the things that would have made his life smoother, filled with more joy than pain, but by God, I was going to let him get more rest.

Carefully, I slid away from him and started to turn to get out of bed before I checked the time and made my decision about whether or not to go to work.

I didn’t get very far.

Eric’s arm around me tightened, and he pulled me right back.

When I looked at his face this time, those beautiful eyes were open.

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