Page 143 of Unloved

“But I thought it was real. I thought I was in love with her,” he laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “And I thought shelovedme.”

The admission is broken, heart wrenching, and makes my chest ache. Has heevertold anyone about this?

“She told me she wassorry—that she didn’t mean for me to ‘get the wrong impression.’?” A chuff this time. “But she was so surprised that I thought…”

He pauses almost too long, eyes filled with unshed tears. Reliving this time in his life is draining him, his body growing heavier and heavier.

“That I thought I meant something to her—that it was anything but sex. That I was a ‘serious option.’ And I was good at sex, I’m good with my body, but I thought she liked me formore.And then, when I realized everyone was only gonna see me as this? I embraced it. And… everyone liked me more for it. So I just becameFreddy—the good-time guy, hockey star. A partying playboy legend.”

Matt shudders once, which devolves into shaking. “My mom would be so disappointed in me.”

“No, Matt, don’t say that.”

His whole body is trembling now, tears finally spilling across his cheeks. He rolls onto his back, hands rising to cover and rub his eyes, trying to hide, but floundering without his usual flirty, humor-filled mask.

I turn him, slowly and deliberately, until he’s facing my abdomen, my fingers scratching his scalp and stroking his hair gently.

“I’m s-s-sorry. I don’t k-know w-why I’m shaking,” he chatters quietly, tears still spilling silently. “I’m n-not cold-d.”

“It’s okay, Matt.” I tuck his head into my stomach, bending over him to kiss his temple. “It’s okay.”

I wait until his sobs have subsided, then pull him off my lap and put a pillow beneath his head, covering him with a blanket. He’s so tired, eyes blinking rapidly, but he won’t close them; he’s too focused on trying to keep watching me. I turn off the music and reach for the lights on the side of the bed before his hand flops out to stop me.

“Leave them on,” he whispers. “I want to be able to see you.”

“Okay,” I say, heart still in my throat while I crawl into the too-small bed beside him.

We don’t cuddle this time, instead holding hands, foreheads pressed together.

“Get some sleep,” I say, pressing a soft kiss to his nose.

I know I won’t sleep. I’ll spend the night watching over him, because I can’t do anything else. It’s a want as much as it is a need, to care for him, to protect him. My mind is flying a million miles a minute with the information he’s dumped into my lap.

For a moment, I think he’s asleep and I start to pull away. To grab my laptop and set all my plans into motion. But he snuggles deeper, closer to my body as he grips my hand a little harder.

“I miss my mom.”

I keep my crying silent as I grieve for the woman I’ll never know, and the boy she loved more than life. The boy Iknowshe’d be proud of, even if he doesn’t know it.

I’ll take care of him, I vow to her silently.I promise.

CHAPTER 51Freddy

I feel a bit like I’ve been hit by a semi or have a raging hangover from alcohol I definitely didn’t drink.

Sporting a headache courtesy of Toren Kane’s left hook, I finally blink my eyes open to see Ro, propped up uncomfortably, still asleep with her head resting against the wall. My head is smooshed into her thigh, arms hugging her leg to my chest like a body pillow.

Memories from last night flood my system, but instead of regret or anxiety, I feel… relief. Like the giant boulder forever resting on my chest and shoulders has finally been chipped away. Not gone, but lighter.

I slowly untangle myself from her, happy that she doesn’t wake up, so I can gently angle her down to lie on the bed, tucking a blanket around her. She shifts, body relaxing into the pillows with a serene smile.

There is so much that’s beautiful about her, her vibrance and infectious joy. But Ro like this—cozy, sleepy, and undone—turns my heart into mush.

I tuck her hair back and kiss her cheek.

Actively tryingnotto think too much about last night doesn’t stop the anxiety from rolling through. Not knowing how she feels about my entire confession and subsequent breakdown is fraying the edges of my nerves.

I should do something for her.

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