Page 150 of Unloved

A rapid series of thumps on my dorm door has me popping into my bedroom to double-check my outfit—comfortable dark denim, a soft white long-sleeve, along with my thick green-and-purple flannel currently hanging by the door.

And a ribbon in my hair. I feel girly and feminine and, most important, I feel likeme.

Smiling once more at my own reflection, happy with my makeup and aesthetic, I run to answer the door.

Matt Fredderic looks flustered, like despite the continuous knocking he wasn’t ready for me to open the door. Dressed in black tech pants and a dark green sweater, his hair freshly washed, Matt looks handsome as always. But for once, he’s not what has my breath stuck, heart in my throat.

It’s the giant bouquet of out-of-season flowers wrapped in parchment, with black Sharpie writing across the paper, which I can’t read because his arm is blocking it—almost protectively.

“Oh my God.”

“Hey,” he stutters. “You look so beautiful.”

I blush under his attention,feelingbeautiful beneath his gaze. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry, I know I’m early—”

Shaking my head, I try to cut him off. “Matt—”

“—and it’s fine if you want me to wait out here, you can take your time, but I…” He pauses, shaking his head and smiling, looking as dazed and dopey as I feel. “I was too excited to wait any longer, so I came over. And I got these for you, but I— There’s something on there. I had the girl at the store write it for me because no way you’d be able to read my handwriting, and my hands were shaking, honestly—”

“I’ve been reading your handwriting since the beginning of the semester, Matty.” I laugh, taking the flowers from his outstretched hand.

He blushes and scratches the back of his head. “Right. Of course.”

He sounds distracted, and it takes me a minute, as I step into the kitchen and pull the flowers back from where I had the petals shoved under my nose, before I see it.

Will you be my girlfriend?

—Matty

Signed Matty—not Freddy. He’s mine, in that way. To everyone else he might be Freddy, smiling and joking at his own expense. To me, he is Matty, or Matt—walls down, therealhim.

“Matt, this is…” I trail off because I don’t have the words for it, for the overwhelming infectious joy coursing through me.

“You don’t have to say anything right now,” he says slowly. “But this is how I feel. I want to date you, officially. And I don’t want you to feel confused about where I stand with you. And…” His voice softens, quieter in the space as he looks down. Like he’s embarrassed. “And I don’t want to be confused about how you feel. I don’t want to play games.”

My heart squeezes.

He’s embarrassed to ask for anything more, because no one has ever given that to him.

I set the flowers down on the counter, turning and stumbling back toward him, grabbing his hands in mine.

“Matt,” I breathe, emotions bubbling in my throat, overflowing. “This is the most romantic, wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me. And that’s not even the first time I’ve said that to you.” We both laugh, but it fades quickly in the nervous energy filling the air almost suffocatingly.

“I just want to be clear about how I feel.”

“I want to be with you. I wouldloveto be your girlfriend. And I want to be clear about that, too.” I sense the weight of my own words as I say them. “I know how you feel. I’ve been confused about how people feel before. Tyler made me feel ashamed of the fact that I wasn’t wanted when I thought that I was. He played games all the time. And I never want to feel that again; I don’t wantyouto feel that way again.”

“So then, we promise not to ever make each other feel that way.” He hesitates for a moment, searching for the words. “To be… careful with each other?”

Matt says it all as if it’s as simple as breathing.

And maybe it is.

“Yeah. Careful with each other.” I smile and squeeze his hands in mine, raising one to my mouth to kiss it. Just because I can. “I think you are one of the best people I’ve ever known. And I think it would be almost too easy to fall in love with you.”

Something I’ve said makes his entire face light up as he pulls me in for a tight hug.

---