Page 102 of After You

She felt Kade move in on her other side. He started again, feeling for the right spot and then inserting the very fine needle. She also felt Kyle squeeze her hand. Hard.

She squeezed back. “Relax, okay? It’sgood.”

“I honest-to-God think I could probably watch this happen to anyone else, Hannah.”

That was sweet. And a huge problem. “I was hoping to teach you some ofthis.”

She felt his grip tighten again. “I don’t know, babe.” He was clearly trying to sound nonchalant. “I stick needles into people for lots of reasons—immunizations, cortisone, to drain things. But, holy shit, this is hard to watch.”

Kade hit a sore spot as he was feeling with his fingers just then, and she gasped and tightened her grip onKyle.

“Sorry, hon,” Kade said softly, easing the pressure.

“Jesus.” Kyle let go of her hand, and she pictured him shoving it through his hair. “Hannah, baby, please let me give you something. It’s so much easier. I respect you wanting to do this naturally, but sometimes you need some extrahelp.”

Kade inserted the last needle. “I’m going to let you guystalk.”

Hannah sighed. Yeah, okay. It wasn’t like she was going to get up and run after him anyway.

“Talk?” Kyle asked, as the door shut behind Kade. “Is something else goingon?”

“I wish I could look at you,” she said. But this was probably better. “I have something I have to tellyou.”

“Okay.”

She could hear the tension in his voice.

“Kyle, I know…this is hard for you. I know that you want to help, but…this is what works forme.”

“I get it. Or at least, I’m trying to get it,” he told her. “It’s just a little crazy, right? I know exactly what to prescribe. I hate that you’ve been miserable for two days. I hate that I had something to do with it. At least let me do what I cando.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” she said bluntly.

“Come on, Hannah. Have you ever tried—”

“I’m an addict,” she broke in. It was time to have this over. “I got hooked on pain pills right after my accident. I was trying so hard to come back from it, and get back to school and work. I was trying so hard to stay on track for you, and everything here, and they were the only thing that kept me going. And I probably would have stayed on them if it wasn’t for a home health treatment I did one day. I was at this lady’s house and I was helping her to bed and I noticed her pain pills on her bedside table and…had to actually fight with myself for several minutes to keep from taking some of them after she fell asleep.” That had been the low point. The point where she’d realized that she’d lost herself and that she had to do something fast or she’d never find her wayback.

Kyle was completely quiet. He was no longer touching her so she couldn’t even read his emotions that way. She wenton.

“I was this close to stealing from a patient, Kyle. And, thank God, that was a line I wasn’t ready to cross. I went to a support group meeting that night instead. And I met Kade, and we helped each other through getting clean. I’ve been off of everything, fully, for almost two years now. But…I can’t use them anymore. So I have to rely on alternative medicine. And ninety percent of the time it’s enough. There are just times when things flare up and I just have to get through.”

He was still quiet, but she heard him drag in a deep breath.

“There really is nothing you can do,” she went on softly. “Except learn some of this, maybe. Or you don’t have to. I can find someone else. But I just need you to understand that there will, definitely, be times when I can’t be there for my family like I used to be, and this whole thing, this pain thing, is a part of me now. And you can’t fixit.”

Finally, he spoke. “Jesus, Hannah.”

Yeah, well, that was one way to summarizeit.

“You were addicted to narcotics?”

“Yeah.” She tried really hard not to try to read his tone. Was he disappointed? Disgusted? Angry? Sad? Because she felt all of those things when she thought about her addiction.

“And you didn’t tell me that either?”

“No.” She felt the tension building in her neck and realized that they were going to have to start over with the treatment. “And I should have,” she admitted. “I know that I made all of these decisions for both of us, without even giving you all of the information or a chance to decide for yourself what you wanted to do. And I wish I could say that I would do it differently if I had to do it over again. But I’m not sure I would.” She paused. “Believe it or not, I stayed away because I loved you. Because I wanted you to have the life you’d always wanted to have. Even if it was with someone else,” she added quietly.

“Hannah—” His voice sounded pained.

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