Page 68 of After You

“I’ve gotten a lot better at it,” she said. “It was hard. I was used to being the one that helped everyone else, did everything.” She was watching him closely. “It always felt good to be the one that everyone could dependon.”

He gave a short laugh. “If you’re asking if I’m still that guy, the answer is absolutelyyes.”

“I figured. Even before my dad told me that you take care of their lawn and snow removal. And before I found out you repainted my grandma’s house. And my bedroom.” For a second her voice got a little husky.

Did knowing he’d been in that bedroom, fixing it up for her, make her feel the weird sense of connection and strangeness that he’d felt doingit?

“And even before I found out you did all of the landscaping at the park—after paying for all of the new equipment. Not to mention everything you do for your parents and grandmothers.”

So she’d been talking about him with…people. Presumably her parents. It wasn’t like the things he did for all of those people were a secret. But he didn’t expect them to sing his praises.

“To be fair,” Kyle said, feeling like maybe she wasn’t entirely impressed by all of that, “my dad doesn’t let anyone touch his lawn. And Derek helped me with the landscaping at thepark.”

“You’re the only doctor in town,” she said. “How do you have time for all of that extra stuff? You’re at my mom and dad’s once a week and here with my grandma more often thanthat.”

“Careful planning,” he said with a shrug. “Not much sleep.”

“And not spending any time dating.”

He didn’t think that was a question. But had she been asking about his dating habits? But no, with her grandmother, his grandmother, and her parents around, she wouldn’t have had to ask. He was sure they were all very happy to share his status with her. His single-and-hasn’t-seriously-dated-anyone-in-months status. Or, as her grandmother would have put it, his single-and-has-never-dated-anyone-worthy status.

“I don’t date much,” he acknowledged. He climbed up on the counter, needing to be busy. And not look at Hannah. And she had asked for his help, afterall.

“Why not?” she asked, right oncue.

He bent to retrieve the rag she’d been using to wipe down the shelves. Reaching to the back of the highest one was no problem forhim.

He debated how honest to be with her. Finally, he realized he had nothing to lose. “Because I haven’t figured out what I did wrong with you, yet.”

There was dead silence behind him. As expected. He wiped the next shelf down and then bent to put the serving bowls and platters back in their places.

It was nearly two minutes before Hannah spoke. “You had a plan. And I messed itup.”

Kyle’s spine stiffened, and he stopped with the Thanksgiving mashed potato bowl in hand. And yes, he knew Alice used that bowl for mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. He’d been to several Thanksgiving dinners at her house over the years. Even when Hannah hadn’t been there.

“You had these…expectations for how things should go,” she went on. He set the bowl on the shelf carefully. “And I couldn’t meet them anymore.”

“So there was something I did wrong.” He didn’t turn around. “People in Seattle don’t have expectations?”

“They don’t have expectations of me,” she said softly.

Kyle blew out a breath. Then he swung around and jumped to the floor. “So no one expects anything of you? And that makes it better there? You couldn’t take the pressure?”

She shrugged. “Right.”

Her agreement with what he’d essentially meant as an insult made him pause. “What pressure?” he asked. “No one could know you or love you as much as we—the people heredo.”

She nodded. “A lot of it was self-inflicted pressure. I know that now,” she said. “But yeah…doing the right thing all the time, not just for me but for my mom and dad, for Grandma, for you…it was a lot to feel bad about when I didn’t get it right.”

“You didn’t have to do everything right for us,” he said. But he heard the lack of conviction in his voice. And knew she did too. It wasn’t that she had to do everything or be perfect, but yeah, they’d all depended on her. He’d depended on her. Not to be perfect, but to be…steady. Predictable.

She gave him a small smile. “But I always did,” she said. “That’s not ego. That’s just fact. I did everything right. I made plans and carried them out. I set goals and I met them. I made good choices. I mean, even when we started having sex, we used the pill and condoms. And wewere…”

He shifted his weight at the subject of sex between them. She was just stating a fact, but it was extremely difficult to take the emotions out of that topic. “We were what?” he managed.

“We took a long time to get to that point. And we were so sure by then that we were going to get married. It never felt like we were just horny teenagers or doing something wrong.” She sighed. “It felt like sex inside a marriage, I swear.”

He knew that should sound strange, but he knew what she meant. The first time he’d slept with another woman after Hannah, it had felt like he was cheating. Okay, the first few times. He’d kept going, thinking it would get better. It took a long damned time to not feel, if not wrong, then just not normal to be with someoneelse.

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