Page 75 of After You

“But you didn’t even give us the chance to be there foryou.”

She stopped and let those words play in her mind. She hadn’t given them the chance. Because she’d thought that it would be too painful, for all of them, if they failed to really understand what she was going through and to be there for her. But…he was right. She nodded. “I know. I didn’t give you a chance. And maybe I should have. But I was trying to protectyou.”

“Protect me? Fromwhat?”

She swallowed hard. “From being worried and frustrated when you couldn’t be there and helpme.”

“All I fucking do is be there for people! I figure things out when it can’t be me directly. I would have done whatever I could, Hannah.”

She hadn’t intended for them to get into all of this here and now. Or ever. But okay… “You’re there for people you can fix thingsfor.”

“Not all of my patients can be fixed. I get pain. I understand chronic conditions, for fuck’s sake.” He looked extremely pissedoff.

And she understood that. She’d taken this chance to be her hero away from him. And it probably wasn’t fair for her to be the only decision maker, but in the midst of everything—the pain, the fear, the sorrow over giving up her dreams, the addiction—she simply hadn’t been able to face anything else. Like disappointing Kyle, or Kyle trying and failing to help her, or getting her hopes up that they could work things out and then breaking up lateron.

“I know you understand pain and chronic conditions,” she said. “But you make things better for those people anyway. Even when you can’t take their pain way. You make their town gazebo look great, and you plant flowers for them to see when they walk through the square, you joke with them at the diner, you go to a guy’s girlfriend’s house for dinner so you can do a check-up on his time, you go fishing with them so they’re not scared.”

It was strange how all of that had been in her mind, but she hadn’t really put it to words before. But it was all true, and she realized now that all of that was one of the reasons he kept doing the things he did. It was his way of making things better even when he couldn’t directly fix something. And, in spite of the fact that she wanted him to have some fun—felt that was really important, actually—his dedication to making everything around him as good as they could possibly be was also kind ofhot.

“And I could have done other things for you if I couldn’t fix your neck,” he said, moving in close.

She’d expected his anger to continue, but there was something else in his eyes now. A softer emotion—concern, maybe. Or protectiveness. Yeah, that seemed right. And heat. There was definitely heat. Which surprised her, but she didn’t mind it abit.

He put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed gently. “I could have massaged your neck, kissed it better.” His voice had dropped to a husky lowernote.

And she realized, yeah, that would have made her feel better. Or at least, if she was in pain, she’d rather be in pain with Kyle trying to make it better, than be in pain alone. Crap. He was being too nice about this. It would all be easier if he was still a little angry.

She wet her lips. “I know you would have done anything you could. But it would have been hard on you, on both of us. You would have been frustrated. I would have felt bad making you frustrated.”

“I would have been,” he admitted. “But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have wanted to be withyou.”

“It would have been a regular thing,” she said. “With the people here, when something doesn’t get better, you can still do other things—the flowers, buying a round of coffee or beer, making them laugh. But then you can go home and they go home and you can get away from it. With me, it would have been in your face, all the time, every day. There would have been no escape.” She paused. “Believe it or not, I was trying to take care of you by keeping you away fromthis.”

He stared at her. Then he squeezed her shoulder gently before he dropped his hand. But he didn’t move back. “I guess you have a point,” hesaid.

She felt a strange mix of relief and disappointment at that. She wanted him to understand why she’d made the choices she had. Maybe she could have come home. Maybe. But it would have been hard. And she had not been in a good place for anything hard three years ago. Maybe she could have handled it a year ago. Maybe even eighteen months ago. But by then she’d been sure it was toolate.

She wasn’t unhappy about her life in Seattle. It was good to get out of your comfort zone sometimes. Her life there, her new normal, had taught her things she wouldn’t have learned if she’d stayed in Sapphire Falls. Like getting everything checked off her to-do list was not what was most important at the end of the day. And how perfection was just an illusion. And how strong she was. That was the most valuable ofall.

And sadly, she wasn’t sure Kyle would appreciate it. Leaning on people, it takes a village, love your neighbor, were all things that were woven into the fabric of Sapphire Falls so inherently that you didn’t even really notice it until you were somewhere else. She didn’t think people here, Kyle in particular, wanted people to be weak, but there wasn’t a lot of suck it up, dig deep, what doesn’t kill you makes you strongerhere.

And leaning on people and helping others certainly weren’t bad things. Of course. While she’d felt that she’d been helping hold the fabric of her family together at times, she’d never felt alone. But she’d never had to stand on her own and really find out what she was made of either.

“So tell me more about the sex thing,” he said, lifting his hand again. This time he just cupped the back of her neck in an almost protective gesture.

She swallowed hard. She’d kind of blurted that part out, of course. But she’d been trying to tell him all the ways she wasn’t who he wanted and needed. And surely sex was part ofthat.

Of course, since she’d been home, she was feeling a lot less worried about or scared of it. She was feeling a lot like she needed to give it a try, in fact. Like soon. With the guy right in front ofher.

Hannah put her hand over his and moved in closer. “There’s a lot of jostling that happens during sex. Lotsof…”

She felt his hand tighten on the back of her neck slightly, and it sent heat shooting through herbody.

“Lots of?” he prompted.

“Um…” She was really trying to think of a word besides the one she’d been about touse.

“Hannah,” he said, low and gruff. “What is there lots of? I mean, I can give you a list of words, but I’d love to know what you were thinking.”

---