Page 14 of Demitri

“Why do you always do that?”

“What?”

“Make a joke about it. You went through hell, Mia, and nothing about it is funny.”

“If I don’t laugh, I cry. If I joke about it, I own it. If I own it, nobody can hurt me with it.”

He jolts on the bed like I just struck him, his eyes reflecting the pain that is always in mine. He opens his arms to me, a physical touch I only allow a select few to offer, and I willinglysettle on his chest while those strong arms wrap around me. Comforting me. Holding me. Keeping me together.

“One day, Mia Alexander, I’m going to get you to tell me your story. More than the jokes. More than the broad brush strokes.”

“Maybe one day I’ll be ready to do just that, but this isn’t that night.”

He knows the basics. What was in the news. He knows someone who was supposed to love me abused me. He knows I finally broke out and got free. Physically, anyway. But part of me also knows that he’s aware I’m still a prisoner mentally.

He kisses the top of my head and holds me tighter, only letting go to pull the covers over both of us. “Sleep,Krasotka. I’ll watch over you tonight and make sure the bogeyman stays away.”

His strong heartbeat and even breathing lulls me into a deep sleep. One free of screams and memories.

I’m not sure how long the sun has been up, but it’s way too bright when I open my eyes, and I realize I forgot to close the blinds last night. Demitri is still curled around me and I wonder if he has to be at work today. If he does, he’s late, I know that much. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re up until almost dawn, unleashing all the pain in your soul. This beautiful, damaged man has been through so much, and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I’m capable of helping him.

He’s right, I have my own trauma. And the only place I talk about it is with my therapist and the group of women I’ve surrounded myself with who all experienced some version of thesame thing I did—with the same fucked-up asshole. He’s also right that one day, I need to tell him all about it. He deserves to know—he’s earned it. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid if he knows, he’ll walk away. And for as much as I keep him at arm’s length because I have to, the thought of him walking away forever crumbles my already shattered pieces. He’s the first man I’ve allowed myself to be with more than once since, well, since the fucked-up asshole.

I feel his arm tighten around me, and I’d be an idiot to not feel the erection along my ass. Demitri’s awake.

“Your entire body is primed to flee,” he mumbles.

“It’s getting late, I think. Don’t you need to go to work?”

I try to pull away, but his arm is a vise grip around my waist. I check in with my body to see if I mind the closeness, and find I don’t. Huh.

“I texted them last night after you fell asleep. No rush today. You needed the sleep.”

“We can’t just stay in bed all day. I have shit to do.”

“You know, you can only bullshit a bullshitter so many times, Mia. I know you’re running. I’m pushing my luck right now because I don’t want to move away from your body. But I’ve learned your limits,Krasotka.”

I open my mouth to argue, but I don’t want to. I’m tired of arguing. Of fighting.

“I don’t know what you want,” I finally tell him.

“What I want and what I need and what I’ll take are all different things. What I should do is get up and walk out of this house and never come back.”

I jolt at his words but feel him shaking his head on my shoulder. He’s not done.

“What I want to do is roll you over and touch you, but I know you can’t let me. What I need is for you to realize that this thing? The thing between us? It’s more than fucking, and it always hasbeen. What I’ll take is whatever parts of you that you can give me.”

“I think it’s too early for this conversation, Dem.”

He chuckles, his body lighting mine up where he moves against it. If only he knew he was the only man to make mewant.

“I know. But we’re still going to have it. And you need to know the only reason I’d walk away is to keep you safe.”

“What if walking away broke me more than any physical harm could?”

He finally removes his hand from my waist, but only to lift it to my face and tilt my chin until I’m looking at him. The vulnerability I see in his eyes reflects my own, and I know whatever happens this morning is going to change things.

“I’d never willingly walk away from you, Mia. Please know that.”

---