Page 16 of Demitri

But I want to make him feel good. The look on his face as I ride his cock. The way his muscles flex as he tries to thrust up from beneath me—the very little I let him. The way his chest heaves when I place my hands on it to give myself better leverage.

“Krasotka. You feel so good.”

I feel a small smile as I adjust my body over his again, rising up and down on my knees, my pussy squeezing his cock in quick, shallow dips. I circle my waist, fluctuating my movements to allow him the most friction.

I watch his hands grip the bed frame and then flex out. I know he wants to touch me. I know he wants nothing more than to take over. To grab my hips and guide me exactly where he wants me. But he holds back. For me.

His body tenses under mine, and I know he’s close. I increase my speed and allow my dips to take more of him inside of me. My eyes water watching the mixture of pleasure and pain on his face, knowing this is all I can give him. My pleasure comes from watching him come undone under me.

“I’m almost there,” he growls. “Yes. Like that.”

I grind down on his cock, rocking back and forth, and when I’ve almost had enough, I feel him unleash his orgasm. His body shudders, and his hands relax. He lowers his eyes to my body, stopping to admire my tits, heaving with my own exertion.

“Are you alright?” he asks, an expectant look on his face.

What he really wants to know is if I got off or if I’m in pain.

“I’m great.” I smile, knowing that neither of us believe it.

I swing my leg over his body and stand up. As much as he’s trying to hide it, I see the disappointment in his eyes, and it hurts. Not the way he fears I do, but in my soul. When I get to the bathroom door, I turn around and look at him.

“I need you to know that if I could be different, I would. For you. But also for myself.”

“Mia, I don’t want you to do anything for me. I only wish that you could see the barrier and break through it. If I could help you, I would, but this is a battle I can’t be a part of.”

A tear breaks free as I nod. I silently step into the bathroom and close the door behind me. After starting the shower and letting the water warm up, I step under the stream and let the tears flow. I’m not crying because I had sex, I’m crying because I want to have better sex. I want to be able to let go in a way that allows the intimate moments ‘normal’ people have. I want to be able to orgasm without fear of losing myself. I want to loveand be loved in return. But I can’t. That was taken away from me, and it doesn’t seem to matter how much time has passed, I haven’t been able to take it back.

This is my life. It’s the only way I know how to live it.

CHAPTER SIX

DEMITRI

I watchMia slip into the bathroom before I move off the bed. Her pain kills any afterglow I might have, but I feel like this is a new development. She’s never shown her vulnerability before. Never let it slip that what we are doing is slowly killing her. I wish she knew that I’m not here because of the sex. Not anymore. Might have started that way, but it’s become something else. Something more. In all honesty, if Mia told me she didn’t think she could ever have sex again, I would still be here. I crave her presence in my life. When she asked if I would ghost her again, it took everything in me not to confess that I’d never left her, she just couldn’t see me.

I finally drag myself out of bed and go into the hall bathroom to clean up. There’re a lot of things to do today, and they won’t get started until I can wash off the shame of what just happened. The guilt. I never want to make her feel that way again, but God help me, I don’t know how to stop.

Stepping under the hot water, I place my hand on the wall that I know connects to Mia’s bathroom. She might not let me be there for her post-sex breakdown she thinks I don’t know she’s having, but I do know, and I am here, as much as she’ll allow it.

Should I walk away? Probably. I know that what’s going on here isn’t healthy—for either one of us. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to look at the woman who means more to me than anyone else in this world and tell her I’m done. Because I think we both know it would be a fucking lie. I’ll never be done. She’s my endgame, even if that game is never finished. I’ll die knowing that I was here as much as I could be.

But for now, I have to put those feelings on the back burner. I need information. I need to know what’s going on with this mystery woman the guys claimed was my sister. Does it surprise me the old man had an illegitimate kid? Nope. Not at all. There’re probably a dozen more running around out there who don’t know where they come from. If their moms were smart, that’s exactly how it would stay. The Pavlov name brings nothing but pain, one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Too fucking bad that enemy’s name is already Pavlov, isn’t it?

I get out of the shower and dry myself off, pulling clean clothes from my overnight bag and getting dressed. When I walk by the open door to the bedroom, I see the bed has already been stripped and I hear water running from somewhere in the house. Laundry. Can’t have any reminders that we just did what we did. Not in her personal space. If I were a stronger man, I would have told her no. I would have stopped her. But I’ve tried that before, and it backfired in a horrible way. That was the night I learned if I’m in this at all, I’m in this under Mia’s rules.

I make my way down the stairs, following the sounds to find Mia in the kitchen making coffee and toast. She’s already dressed, her still wet hair pulled back into one of those clip things. Also, little known fact—Mia doesn’t eat breakfast. Unless it’s five a.m. at the diner and it’s because she allowed herself to drink the night before and she needs the grease. When I see her pull out the grape jelly and butter, I know the toast is for me. Just like my favorite vodka at the bar, she surrounds herself withthings that I like, things that will make me happy. I only wish I knew why.

“Coffee’s ready. Take a seat.”

She isn’t looking at me, concentrating hard on spreading the jelly on the toast. I give her a few minutes before I can’t take it anymore.

“Mia, is this going to be too much? Me staying here?”

She jerks her head up, finally meeting my eyes. “What? Why would you ask that?”

“Because what just happened, what we just did? That wasn’t healthy. For either one of us.”

“What do you mean?” she asks, avoiding my gaze.

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