Page 50 of Demitri

“Get your shit together, Mia. Pull up your big girl panties and go tell the professional that you want to know how to have a fucking orgasm,” I say to myself in the mirror.

I take a breath and open the car door, stepping out into the warm fall day. Walking into Dr. Malcome’s office every week is like a homecoming in a way. When I found the courage and strength to get away from Brett, this was my first stop. I knew I couldn’t go back home, and as much as I loved the little town of Briar Mountain, there was no way I could continue to live therewithhim, knowing at any time he could pull me over or knock on my door. The Briar Mountain PD is smaller than Rock Hill’s, and he would have no reason to be on this side of the mountain. I found Dr. Malcome my first week here.

“Mia,” Sally, the lady who is really in charge, smiles as I walk through the door. “She’s ready for you.”

“Thanks,” I reply, walking through the lobby and into the inner office.

“Mia,” Dr. Malcome nods.

“Doc.”

I take my seat in the big, oversized chair and bring my legs up. Putting the pillow in front of me and holding it, I look at the doctor. “Okay, ready.”

She chuckles. This is our way. We don’t talk until I’m situated, and this has been my situation for over ten years.

“What’s going on?” she asks, eyeing me with that head shrinker look I think all therapists have.

I inhale and blow out the air in my lungs before speaking. “I want to know if I’ll ever be able to have an orgasm.”

She does a double take, her eyes blinking rapidly. “Youwantto orgasm?”

“I know, right?”

“Well, I guess that’s going to be up to you. I know we’ve worked on your feelings surrounding your past, but not the physicality of it. Bottom line is, having an orgasm during sex when you didn’t want to doesn’t mean you enjoyed the act going on. It means you had a physical response to what was happening, Not being able to have an orgasm now is an emotional response to the trauma you faced. It’s why finding a partner you trust is just as important as how good he might look.”

That’s right, folks, I, Mia Alexander, had an orgasm while Brett did what he did to me. I understand that it wasn’t in mycontrol, and that I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, I understand it now. Took a few years.

“I don’t understand if I could do it duringthatwhy I can’t do it when I want to.”

“It’s all a mental game, Mia. Because of what you went through, sex in and of itself is hard. Intimacy, which most women and some men need to orgasm, is a whole other level that you have to be ready for.”

“I am ready,” I assure her.

“What’s changed?”

“I think I’m in lo—serious like with someone.”

“Tell me about him.”

“He’s put up with me for four years? He was a one-night stand who didn’t freak out and run away like the ones before him did. He came back. He became my friend. He’s been fighting for me and with me since day one, and down in his soul, he’s a good man.”

“You trust him?”

“I do.”

“You feel safe with him?”

“Yes.”

“You feel like your foundation is strong enough that you can put your mind and body in his hands and he will take care of you?”

I hesitate before answering, searching both my mind and body for the answer. “I have some anxiety over it,” I tell her. “But not fear.”

“Being anxious and stumbling into an anxiety attack because you feel threatened are two different things.”

I know what she’s saying, we’ve had this discussion before. When I opened the bar and threw up because of my nerves, it wasn’t panic induced anxiety. She’s helped me see the differencewhen my heart rate increases because I feel a threat and when I feel excited about something. I nod for her to continue.

“I have homework for both of us.” She grins at me while I groan. “You are going to talk to this fella. If you truly trust him and feel safe, you have to be able to talk about things, good and bad.”

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