Page 37 of My Unscripted Life

I don’t want to go back to set just in case the world’s longest make-out session is still going on, so I cross the grass to the row of trailers production brought in for the cast. Milo’s is the first one, according to a sign on the door, so I knock.

“Come in,” he calls.

I take a deep breath and step inside to find the nicest space that’s probably ever been associated with the word “trailer.” The interior has wood floors and more chrome and glass than I’ve seen inArchitectural Digest.Milo is parked on a gray suede couch paging through the script and mouthing lines. When I step into the trailer, my shoesslap-slapping on the wood floor, he looks up, his blue eyes nearly cutting me in half with their laserlike gaze.

“Hey,” he says in a way that sounds like the word is taking the temperature of the room.

“Hey,” I reply in a way that sends a chill into the air.

“Is everything okay?” He looks like he’s waiting for me to burn the place down, but frankly I don’t have the energy for that kind of rage. Between yesterday’s Internet explosion and today’s indignity of watching my superhot maybe-boyfriend making out with his superhot ex-girlfriend, I just feel defeated and sad.

“Yes,” I say, leaning against the wall across from him. But we both know that’s a lie, which just makes me feel even more pathetic. “No. I don’t know.”

Good one, Dee.

Milo sighs. “Look, I know that must have been hella awkward. I didn’t realize you were going to be on set today, or I would have warned you.”

I glance up from my feet, the whole conversation already bordering on ridiculous. “Oh? And what would you have said?”

Milo looks like I’ve slapped him, then he sighs. “I just, I don’t know, I would have…It’s my job?”

The silence between us more than fills the trailer. It’s so big and heavy that it feels like it’s trying to bust out the windows. When it gets too much to bear, Milo drops his script onto the couch next to him and crosses the small space to me.

“Look, I know this is superweird. I get it,” he says. His voice is light, like he’s trying to make a joke, but it’s falling flat. “Come on, every relationship has its ups and downs.”

A pop of laughter bursts out of me in an explosiveha!“This ishardlya normal relationship,” I say. The words escape before I have time to run them through a filter, but as soon as they’re out I realize the truth of them.

“What does that mean?” Milo asks.

“None of the guys I’ve dated have ever sung at the Grammys. Or starred in a movie. Or had an ex-girlfriend who was named one ofPeoplemagazine’s most beautiful humans or whatever,” I say. “So maybe this is normal for people inthatsituation, but it sure doesn’t feel normal to me.”

There’s a beat of silence before he responds. “Lydia shouldn’t be a factor,” Milo says.

“Really? Because when I heard her telling you how she still loves you and wants you back, it sort of sounded like shewasa factor.”

Milo looks like he’s been slapped. His mouth drops open like he’s going to ask me what I’m talking about, but he doesn’t even try. I can tell he’s thinking back to that moment near the attic set, the exact moment I hear in my head daily.

“And watching you flirt with her is pretty much the worst,” I say, and it feels good to let it out. I’ve been so afraid of sounding ridiculous complaining about Lydia that I’ve been pretending it wasn’t an issue. But it was. Itis.

“When did I flirt with her?”

“On camera,” I say, but as the words come out, they sound feeble.

“Again, that’s myjob.Not like you flirting with that beardedPA.”

My mouth drops open, my nose wrinkling in frustration. “Benny? He’s an old friend.”

“Yeah, looked awfully friendly to me,” Milo says.

“You’re being ridiculous. Benny is not the issue.”

“And what is?”

There’s the million-dollar question. Whatisthe issue? What’s my problem? What’s his? Why does it feel like there’s a big hurdle standing between us? I thought we were about to clear it after we kissed in the parking lot of Lowell’s, but apparently my toe caught at the last second and I face-planted.

“I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on. I mean, you guys broke up because she cheated on you. Does that mean if she hadn’t, you’d still be together?” I ask, then go to the question I really want the answer to. “Do you still have feelings forher?”

“I can’t believe you have to ask me that.” Milo’s lips curl, making him look sort of disgusted, but I can’t tell if it’s the prospect of having feelings for Lydia or the fact that I would suggest it.

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