Page 60 of Best Man Speaking

Erica holds space for my confession, the most I’ve said on the subject in years, and while I don’t expect her to understand, there’s nothing other than compassion on her face as she moves to take the seat next to me.

She rests her head on my shoulder. “I can understand that. There’s nothing quite like the pain of your first heartbreak. Agonizing is the word I’d use to describe it, and the day he chose to end things didn’t exactly help.”

I nod, thinking about how he’d asked me to marry him before he’d left me in bed that night. How even though I’d been worried before I’d said yes, I’d slept easy with the answer I gave, only to have realized I should’ve listened to my gut all along. It’s still the only part of the story I’ve never shared with anyone else.It’d been embarrassing enough that we’d slept together; being gullible enough to think marriage was a real option was just humiliating.

“You know, sometimes I think back to that moment and the days after, and it’s like I can’t even remember it. I have blank spots where I can’t work out if I’ve just forgotten over time or if I’ve blocked out parts because they’re too painful. I remember the never-ending ache in my chest and the way every breath made me want to cry. I remember exactly how it felt, but that’s about it—the actual details of those days are a blur. Potentially, it’s old age; potentially, it’s a self-defense mechanism of my subconscious.”

“Well, I respect your decision to protect yourself while you’ve healed and moved on.” Her strength next to me doesn’t waver. Her attention on me as a friend never has.

I take a deep breath and get brave. “Well…I guess if I’m being honest, that’s a bit of a sticking point.”

“What do you mean?” she asks, tilting her head upward to catch my eyes.

I decide to be blunt with both Erica and myself; it’s well past time. “Well, I never really fell out of love with him. I never gave myself the chance to fall out of love, toheal. I just stopped. I cut out as much as I could and left. I had to move on because it felt like I was going to drown in my own tears otherwise.”

She absorbs my words, and I’m the first to look away.

“If he was interested now…” Erica starts.

It’s horrible to be having this conversation in half-truths, being able to speak this aloud but not being able to share the physicality of my agreement with Marcus. But being able to share half the burden is at least something.

“Just because I feel it doesn’t mean I could ever trust it,” I say guardedly. My home and my life are now miles away fromhere. From him. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to trust Marcus enough to put everything I’d built for myself on the line.

“You wouldn’t take the chance?” she asks, her voice full of heart and full of hope. Erica’s question is one I’ve spun in my own mind time and time again.

“I don’t know if I could survive the fall a second time.” And it’s the truth.

“You think whatever you’re doing now is any better?” Erica asks, alluding to I-have-no-idea-what. We’ve been discreet so far. I know that for sure.

“His current existence makes for a great distraction, and even if it does damage, it’s damage I know I can come back from.” It’s the only confirmation I can give her.

We’re being shown the grounds by Laura, the wedding planner Erica and Jules have hired. On the day of their wedding, we’ll have access to the majority of the house, and the downstairs rooms, other than those for staff, will be open to guests. The upstairs will have a small living room with an attached bathroom open and dedicated to the bride and groom and their wedding party.

We’ve seen the space where the ceremony will be held and are about to be shown the small ballroom where the reception will take place when my phone lights up with a text.

I’m unsurprised to find it’s Marcus.

Since arriving, his phone’s been ringing and lighting up with notifications.

Julian, whom he’d picked up from a half day at work, had had to trade places with him, driving the rest of the way here so Marcus could respond to emails and calls.

Apparently, being the boss wasn’t all easy days off and favors for friends. His super-focused work persona isn’t something I’ve had the pleasure of seeing. Up until this point, when he’s been around me, I’ve been the focus.

Marcus:Do you think this tour will include the coat room? It’d be nice for you to have an idea of where your first orgasm of the night will happen.

I read his most recent text, a troublesome idea taking form in my mind.

“Laura, will there be a coatroom guests can use?” I ask with the sweetest, most well-meaning smile I can manage.

“Yes! It’s right by the entrance to the ballroom. I can show you if you’d like?” Laura offers helpfully, and I try to keep from laughing.

“Marcus, would you like Laura to show you where the coatroom is?” I ask, turning toward him. He makes a slight choking sound. “I know you have plans for a bridesmaid or two in there.”

I feel a little bad as she flushes a deep crimson, but the way Marcus narrows his eyes on me with a dark promise is completely worth it.

Julian simply sighs. “Laura, I’m so sorry about that. Generally, I expect better from Hallie, but she’s been around my brother for too long, and they rub off on each other in all the wrong ways.”

My phone lights up with another text, and I glance down briefly.

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