Page 87 of Best Man Speaking

His eyes glint. “Naughty.”

He gently pushes me down so that I’m sitting on the end of the bed. I expect he’ll make a move to kiss me, to touch me, and I’m prepared for it, but he surprises me. Instead of leaning in closer, Marcus makes his way to his knees and removes one high-heeled shoe at a time from my aching feet. He presses firmly into the sole of each foot with his thumbs before stroking softly over each ankle. An act of reverence.

Marcus stands, his strong arms helping to lift me up and away from the bed. He brings his lips down to meet mine, and no matter the nervousness I feel, having our lips touch is something I want. I raise myself up to the tips of my toes to bring myself closer. Each time I kiss him, it shocks me to find that he still feels the same. As if muscle memory has ensured that even after all these years, my body still recognizes him as the right fit for me.

The only sound in the room is our breathing, and even it fades to nothing as we kiss.

“I spent a lot of time looking at my phone tonight too,” Marcus says, releasing this secret into my keeping, once again bridging the gap between us.

I don’t know why this is what tips my anxious butterflies into the realm of unease. But suddenly, it’s all a little much—the way I feel—a little too real. The invisible boundary we’d drawn up between us is gone, and without it, I’ve got an unhealthy dose of fear. Fear of change but mostly fear of being hurt again.

I start to detach, to no longer appreciate the adoration in his touch. I know all I need to do is say stop or step back. Instead, I freeze.

Marcus moves down my body as I try to bring myself back to a place of enjoyment, to a place of want. But with the smallest, tiniest brush of his thumb against my inner thigh, I no longer feel okay. And the fears in my mind take hold and get loud.

I wanted this only moments ago.

He hasn’t been anything but sweet.

He would never hurt me.

What if this is all he wants from me?

What if he decides he doesn’t want me again?

What if it’s like before?

I don’t want it to be awkward.

I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I wanted this just moments ago.

I don’t want this right now.

Finally, I snap myself out of my internal spiral, and taking both of my hands, I place them on his shoulders. His heat beneath my palms has me feeling guilty for what I’m going to say next, but I know that while my heart is racing, it’s no longer from excitement.

“I…” I don’t want to say this the wrong way, even though I know there’s no wrong way to say it. There’s no reason for guilt. “I don’t want to do this tonight.”

Marcus goes from turned on to attentive in moments. Moving back immediately, he stays kneeling, and I’m not sure if it’s to give me some physical space or so that he can get a better vantage point when looking at me. Either way, I appreciate it. I can breathe. Can feel the carpet back beneath my feet, soft and plush and steadier with each breath.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Because why wouldn’t he ask that?

“I’m okay. I just. I wasn’t feeling it anymore.”

“That’s okay.” His voice is calm, and my heart and my mind are in a staring match, one wanting to blame the other, with neither at fault. “Did I do anything to make you uncomfortable?”

“No, you didn’t do anything.” I know that I don’t actually need to explain myself any further. But while I might want to be appreciated and respected enough to change my mind in this situation, I also want Marcus to know what’s going on. Even if it turns out he’s only a vacation booty call, I can be honest about this.

“Us having sex? It’s been great, but last night…was a lot. You and I, we come with baggage, and up until this point, I’ve been okay,” I explain and then shake my head. “But I think—I think I need to slow down for a second.”

Marcus maintains eye contact as I speak, waiting patiently until he’s sure I’m finished. “Hal, you’re allowed to change your mind, and not just about wanting to have sex.”

“No,” I say, reclaiming the inch of space he’d given up so he could stand. “That isn’t what I mean at all. I wanted to come here tonight, I want to be here now, but my body and mind started to have a bit of a freak-out.”

“Okay.” He takes me at my word, nodding gently before moving over to his bag and pulling out what looks like two T-shirts. “Do you still want to stay for a while?”

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