Page 79 of Finding Amanda

She looked up, her mouth twitching, fighting a smile as if he were kidding.

She had no idea how many times he'd typed that man's name in Google, how much will power it had taken him to walk away without hitting enter. Because if he discovered where Sheppard worked, then he'd be one step closer to killing him. The first step would inevitably lead to the second, then the third. Thank God Amanda didn't realize how serious he was about wanting Shepherd to die. Painfully.

Amanda watched him now, curious.

He smiled and took her hands again. "I was never angry with you. Never. And I always wanted you. But it was hard feeling your fear, knowing what caused it. I thought if I gave you some space, maybe you'd get over it."

She yanked her hands away. "Get over it. That sounds about right." She squared her shoulders. "I have to tell you something."

The back of his neck prickled. He had the irrational desire to cover his ears like Madi did whenever she and Sophie argued. "What?"

"My lawyer?—"

"Your lawyer?" His stomach twisted, his heart began to pound. "Since when do you have a lawyer?"

"Does it matter, Mark? She's going to file the papers on Wednesday."

"Oh, God." He dropped his head into his hands and gripped his hair.

"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you, to warn you before you were served.” Her words jabbed him like a thousand nails. “I wouldn't just drop it on you like that. I mean, I know this is a shock, and I know it's not what you think you want. But you'll be better off without me. I wish I could've been what youthought I was. But I can't. I am . . . I've done what I've done, and I can't take it back."

Father, help me.He couldn't stop the tears that stung.Father, I don't know what to do. I need you.

Amanda continued, filling the thick silence with her babble. "I know this is hard for you, and I know it'll take some time to adjust. About tonight . . . I'm not sorry we did that. It was a good way to end things."

His head snapped up. "You'renotsorry?" His voice rose in anger. "You'renotsorry? You figured you'd expose my heart even more before you smashed it to pieces?"

Her jaw dropped. "No, no. I didn't mean . . . I wasn't trying to hurt you."

He stood, walked around her, and kicked the trash bag filled with clothes. She wasgladthey'd slept together. He'd woken up after making love to his wife thinking he was finally going to come home. She'd woken up determined to divorce him.

He paced around the opposite side of the bed near her bureau, her vanilla-scented candle assaulting him as he passed it. He grabbed it, squeezed it, and considered smashing it through the window. With an effort, he set the candle back on the bureau, turned, and paced in the other direction.

"Mark?"

"Quiet." He squeezed his hands into angry fists.Father, help. I don't know what to do.

Conversations they had before she kicked him out, others they'd had in the last few weeks, filled his mind. The things she'd said, the accusations . . . Their talk from a week before filtered in.I think you don't want anyone to know what a tramp you married.If she really believed that, no wonder she wanted to divorce him. He kneeled in front of her. "Amanda, I don't want a divorce."

"I know, but I think eventually you'll realize it's the best thing for everyone."

"No, it's not. It's not the best thing for me, or for Sophie, or for Madi. And it's not the best thing for you. Nobody will ever love you the way I do."

Fresh tears fell. "What? So you think I'm unlovable? You're the best I can do?"

"That's not what I mean."Jesus, help!"I love you so much, nobody else will ever be able to top it."

"Right."

"It's true. What you said last week about me being ashamed of you, embarrassed by what you'd done? If you really believe that, it's no wonder you want a divorce. I'd want to divorce me, too."

She wiped her tears on her shirt. "Good. We're on the same page."

"Except it's not true, Amanda. I don't blame you for what happened with Sheppard. He manipulated you and used you and hurt you. When I read your memoir, all I could think was how much I wanted to kill him. It never occurred to me that you'd think I was angry with you. I wasn't. You were just a kid."

"It's too late for this, Mark."

He grabbed her hands, ignoring the surprise in her face. "No, it can't be, because I can't lose you. I love you. I love you more now than I ever did before you told me that stuff. I think you're amazing, the things you went through, and how you handled them. Look at the things you've done with your life. Look at how you've recovered from the car accident. From him. I never blamed you. Not for one minute."

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