Page 137 of This Wild Heart

My eyes flew to the envelope, and when she turned it over, the sight of his handwriting made my heart stop.

“That’s from …”

She nodded slowly. “If you’re not ready to read it now, that’s okay.”

The envelope was light when she laid it in my hand, and I could hardly breathe. “Do you know what it says?”

Sheila shook her head. “He said it was between you and him. You don’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to.”

My vision was blurry as I stared down at his neat, block penmanship. “Can you send Anya in?”

She smiled. “Of course.”

I wrapped Sheila in a hug and tried to settle the flurry of nerves in my stomach.

For so long, you think about what you’d give for one last hug, one last goodbye, one lastI love you. And now I had something of him that I didn’t have before. And because he knew me well enough to wait, I was going to be able to read it at a time when I could actually see it for the gift that it was.

My hands were steady as I pulled open the envelope, but I had to blink the tears free from my eyes before I opened it to read. The mattress sank as Anya joined me. She slid her arm around my back and laid her chin on her shoulder as I started reading.

Parker,

The most incredible privilege of my life has been the love that I’ve experienced. Your mother. Sheila. And my children. But sometimes the hardest thing about loving someone is the restraint required to love them well.

I asked Sheila to wait to give you this until you were a father, and as I sit here writing this, my heart feels such joy at the thought of you with children. You will be so good, Parker. There isn’t a single shred of doubt about that. You will move heaven and earth for whoever fills these spaces in your life.

Loving you well, my son, has meant giving you time. And I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you every single day that goes by when I don’t hear your voice, when I don’t get to hug you. But not once, not even for a single second, have I loved you less because of that space that you needed.

Imagining you as a father, as a husband, is a balm to my tired heart. It’s the same for all your siblings, and I hope that you know that whatever sadness I might feel at missing so many moments, it is quickly extinguished by gratitude at having been able to love you, all of you, no matter how long that time was.

Your life will be a great one, Parker, because I know you’ve allowed yourself to love and be loved in return. That someday, you’ll feel the same gratitude that I feel now at having a life well spent.

Thank you for being my son. For letting me live on in you and in the legacy of the family you have now.

Build a life you’re proud of, Parker. You’ll find, as I did, that there’s nothing better in the world.

When I folded the letter, Anya stroked the side of my face with the backs of her fingers. I took her hand in mine and pressed my lips to her knuckles, letting my lips linger at her fingertips.

“You okay?” she asked quietly.

I was building a life. Had been from the moment I met her. In every choice that led me to this exact moment. In the pain and the grief and the ability to forgive ourselves for our past. We’d both lost. Me and Anya. Me and my siblings. Sheila.

But life, it didn’t stop. We still had to show up for what came next, and I was so fucking glad I had. So glad she’d pushed me to, when I didn’t think I could push myself.

My dad would be so proud of us. All of us.

I closed my eyes and breathed her in, then turned and gave her a soft kiss. She let her forehead rest against mine while I waited for the ability to speak.

It took a few more seconds, and my voice was raw when I did.

“Marry me,” I said.

She raised her head, brow furrowed in a delicate little wrinkle. “What?”

I moved off the bed and kneeled in front of her. “Marry me again, Anya. In front of our family, in front of our friends. Where I can say our vows and kiss you in front of the people who know us best. Where your dad can walk you down the aisle, and I can cry when I see you in your dress. Leo can be the ring whatever that thing is called. And we’ll have a wedding picture that we can hang on the wall in this place our family calls home.” My chest ached from the force of how much I loved her. “Build this life with me. The way we always should have.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she smiled.

“Is that a yes?” I asked.

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