Page 94 of This Wild Heart

“Yeah, Mom. We did.”

After a pause, she spoke again. “I didn’t get to talk to you very much about Anya.”

“I knew I should’ve left the baby at home with Louise. He’s such an attention hog.”

Mom elbowed me in the stomach, and I laughed quietly.

“What about her?” I asked.

That was when she turned and looked me in the eye with a devastating sort of directness. It made me want to hide. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever see this day, Parker. Where you let someone like her in.”

There was an uncomfortable sensation turning sideways in my stomach, and I did my best to ignore it. “Someone like her?”

Sheila glanced down for a moment, like she was gathering herself. “We all need different things from the people in our life. Everyone has a role, they close the gaps inside us that we might not be able to reach on our own. And I wasn’t sure you’d allow anyone into the space that I see her filling.”

I kept my voice steady. “Which one is that?”

When she redirected her gaze, I could see how the past couple of years had aged her. How long had I gone without noticing things like that? The new wrinkles and the new gray. The tiredness that she couldn’t quite hide. She held out her hand and I grabbed it with mine.

“It’s a strong person who can look our fears in the face and not walk away,” Sheila said. “She’s not afraid of you, honey. And I didn’t think you’d let anyone see the things you were trying to hide.”

It was splitting hairs of what I was and wasn’t allowing. Anya saw things I’d never intended, and I still wasn’t sure how to reconcile how good she was at handling them. At handling me.

But the rest? Hiding from my family?

There was no point in denying it. I'd hid as much as I could from all of them. For a while, it felt like my grief would simply blend in with the rest of the family’s. That in the busy-ness of life moving on, mine wouldn’t stand out, wouldn’t seem any more remarkable than theirs. I didn’t love him more because it had been hard, and it wasn’t a competition I set out to win, but wearing those masks around felt like I was doing them a favor.

“I assumed someone would get in my face about it if they noticed,” I admitted. “This family literally cannot help themselves.”

She laughed. “I know. But every once in a while, even your sisters know to give you boys some space. You wanted us to think you were okay.” Gently, she cupped the side of my face. “You didn’t want us to worry, and every single one of you kids have a terrible tendency to think you can make choices that will stop me from doing that.” She smiled. “Believe me, you’re not that powerful. None of you are. You could have a perfect life, whatever that is, and I’d still find a couple of you to lose sleep over. It’s part of being a parent. You’ll see soon enough.”

I folded my arms around Sheila, hugging her as tightly as I dared. She hugged me right back.

“I’ll learn how to do that from you,” I told her. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, honey,” she said, her voice thick with tears. “And if you learned how to be a husband from your father, she’ll be the luckiest woman in the world.”

The guilt made me sick.

“I love you,” I told her quietly.

She said it back, just like she always did, then gripped my hands after she pulled out of the embrace. “We’re coming to your first preseason game, all right? Every single one of us.”

I gave her a wry grin. “Even if you hadn’t told me, I’m sure I’d hear you all the way down on the field.”

She patted my cheek. Hard. Then smiled. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now get that wife and baby home, okay? I expect pictures of Leo every day.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The wife and baby. It was all so normal, wasn’t it? Back to my house. Back to separate bedrooms and no eyes watching us all the time. My gut churned with unease as I walked back to the truck, the press of reality heavier than I expected, the weight of the lie pulling at all my limbs. Anya was on the phone when I pulled open the door, and she gave me a tiny smile when I turned around to check on Leo before hooking my seat belt. He was sound asleep.

“I can work on it when we get home,” she said. “I finished up the sketches for those two new scenes you sent me, too.”

“You’re the best,” Vida answered. “Have a good weekend with the in-laws?”

Anya cut me a quick look. “We did. Parker just got back in the truck and we’re about to head back to Portland.”

“Ahh, so it’s not safe to talk about him. Got it.”

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