Page 141 of Chaos Kills

“Because the idea of being trapped inside a loveless marriage makes me want to slit my own throat open. It reminds me of being under Emilio’s unyielding plan to get me to love him. It feelsforced.”

“And you’re telling me that if it were someone else, you’d be okay with it?”

“Depends on the someone else.”

“Reeve.”

“Before or after I told him to fuck off?”

“You’re self-sabotaging, Little T, because you’re hurt. But don’t get it fucked up, that moron still loves you.”

“But he’s too fucked up to tell. I destroyed him, and I will never forgive myself. But to answer your question,”—she leans forward and levels her face with mine, —“I would’ve thought about it. Down the road, after all this shit was over, it would’ve made him happy. I don’t think I would’ve changed my last name, though.”

“I get that. You don’t wanna lose that part of your dad.”

Her expression softens. I never did get to tell her I’m sorry for her loss. “Yeah. I’m never going to give that up.”

“I think he’d take it. Your last name, I mean.”

“Think so?”

“All you’d have to do was ask, Little T.”

“But I can’t,” she reminds me. “It’s over. And I need to fully accept that.”

“I didn’t take you for someone to give up so easily or accept anything you didn’t want to.”

Her sad gaze falls to my lips, and I force my body to still and be calm. When you’re a man in front of Bay Astor, you’re prey whether you want to be or not. This woman could flip a priest into giving up his life with God.

She’s nothing I’ve ever experienced.

She’s wild and reckless, kind and loyal, and intoxicating to your senses. I can understand why De Leon still holds an obsession.

However, I wouldn’t say it was love. I’d call it using her as a tool for his gain and the fact that she doesn’t want him anymore.

“Says the guy who told me to stay away,” she professes evenly. “Make up your mind, Sinatra.”

I can’t seem to do that.

She's as annoyingly fascinating as she is dangerous as hell.

“I see when you are all together. You forget the bullshit. You forge forward.”

“Right. You like to watch.” Her weight falls on my thighs when she props her palms on top of them. “And I’d love to believe that. But I think we dreamed too big and too high. This world…this war….it slayed us. It made us do stupid things. Maybe you were right.” She straightens her spine, and I lose her touch as she towers over me. “You’ll never hear me say that again.”

“What else won’t you do again?”

“So many things. I can’t lose anyone else.”

I get that.

We’ve all lost something or someone.

Torin lost Judah.

Reeve lost Rosalie.

Ozzy lost his parents.

---