Page 210 of Chaos Kills

I’ve always wondered when he found me and Judah. Was it when he was on top of me, his hands wrapped tightly around my throat as I pleaded with my eyes for Judah to stop? Or would he have allowed me to die that night if I didn’t fight back?

I never asked him.

However, it changed everything in our dynamic.

So much so that even with Levi, Hot Rod, Juice and Ozzy present somewhere around here, I’m uneasy. My steps are slightly unsteady as I breathe in the smokey smell of the giant bonfire raging in the middle of the clearing.

This feels too familiar, and I can’t say I’ve been in the middle of the woods since that night.

Matteo would still throw his parties here, but after Judah’s death, I never went with him. He’d keep me under lock and key with his boys to make sure “I stayed safe”.

“If You Ain’t From My Hood” by Project Pat blares off the sound barrier created by the surrounding woods as I silently search for the man himself. A throng of people dance, and some watch a bunch of dudes stand upside down on a keg.

It’s cold tonight, small gray clouds of people breathing filling the space overhead. Brave girls in shorts and crop tops strut around for attention, gaining a few eyes as they make their rounds which makes me spot the line of coolers by a table of stacked pizza boxes.

Stealing a beer, I crack it open and drink some down for liquid courage.

I don’t want to be here.

I couldn’t make that clearer to Levi. He must’ve seen something in my eyes because he called it off before I double-backed and said I could do this.

I needed to.

That fucking video is taunting the living shit out of me, and I want this to be over.

But honestly, I’ve been asking myself what does it change and chiding myself that it’ll change nothing between Torin and me. I feel nothing but fear and unease underneath his tawny gaze. His pretty boy features only define what I always thought him to be.

Entitled.

Vicious.

And undeniably petty.

I’ll never be able to forget what he did to me. Even though I was allotted that sucker punch, I only did it because I had the opportunity. Because he thought he could still order me around with what I was and wasn’t going to do with my ex.

The shit was as nauseating as it was satisfying after I hit him.

Pulling at my Miller Lite, I push back memories. I force the guilt that wants to form in my chest from what happened to Judah to the wayside because I don’t have the time nor the energy to reminisce on shit I can’t change.

No matter what anyone says or thinks, I didn’t lead Judah Wildes on. I had a crush on him once upon a time, yes, but I didn’t flirt with him. I didn’t bat my eyelashes and walk around half-naked in front of him like a lot of the other girls used to do. I’m not sure why he started to think it was time to make a move on me when it was no secret Matteo and I were dating, but something set him off. I’m not sure if it was drugs, alcohol, or a shot of bravery, or all three options, but I wish he hadn’t.

I wish I never told him I had a crush.

Because maybe it would’ve saved his life.

Nonetheless, I may desire many things, but I can’t stop them from being real. I’m not able to take away the pain I see living in Torin’s eyes. It’s real, and even though I can’t relate to the how, the loss of Dad is crippling when I find myself alone with nothing to do.

I can’t imagine waiting around for years and finally finding out.

“Well, if it isn’t the Queen of South Shore herself.” Matteo’s sardonic tone licks up my spine and isn’t lost on me over the sound of the music as I take another casual drink and stare at the fuckery going on in front of me. “I don’t know if you’re plain stupid or you just missed me and my cock.”

“And here I thoughtIlived in La La Land.”

He chuckles, and a cautionary wave of goosebumps lines my skin. “You liked my filthy mouth, Bay. It made you come more times than you can count.”

Ever want to disappear out of thin air?

This would be the moment for me.

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