Page 42 of Girl Like Me

She smiles weakly at me but gets up and loops her arm with mine. Maybe we just need a girls night to heal some of our wounds.

My anxiety has been at an all time high. We don’t keep secrets from each other or at least we never used to. I have yet to tell the guys that I lost my virginity to JD. I know that they'll make a huge deal out of it and I wanted it to be something special and between JD and I for a little while. They’re all so much more experienced than I am in that department. What if once she has sex with them, she realises just how bad I am at it.

I’ve been working on talking to her more, her whole face lights up like I’m the centre of her universe when she hears my voice. That makes me want to talk to her for hours but then the guilt kicks in. I’ve barely spoken two words to my family since they adopted me, the immense pressure I have is weighing me down to open up to them and the more it arises, the more I don’t want to talk to them. The pressure of it all makes me clam up. I don’t understand why it’s easy to talk to the guys or even JD. I don’t feel that pressure from them, I never have. I know my parents and my sister love me but so much time has passed it’s better to not speak. Or at least that’s what my brain tells me every time I try.

We’re all watching a movie in JD’s old room while Mumma B cooks dinner. She kicked us out of the kitchen an hour ago because Rocky is full of beans today; he must not have taken his meds. I know he went back on them but he must have forgotten today. Levi put on a movie about kickboxing, knowing Rocky would get up and mimic the fight scenes and hopefully wear out some of his energy.

“Are you okay?” Mercer turns and asks me out of the blue. “You’ve been picking at your nails for the entire movie so far.”

Rory pauses the movie and Rocky jumps onto the couch next to me, tucking his legs up underneath himself.

“I need to tell you all something,” I whisper. I don’t mean to go quiet but deep down inside I’m still that frightened little boy who was so severely abused, he almost died.

Levi comes and squats down in front of me and takes my hands. To outsiders this move would be considered weird but not to him. He knows when I'm about to spiral and he knows how to micromanage my meltdowns.

“I lost my virginity,” I say super fast just to get it out here, bracing myself for their reactions.

Rocky jumps up off the couch like my words just offended him, his eyes wide and his mouth hangs open. “I thought you loved JD.”

“Rocky,” Levi chastises.

“What, I'm just saying what we’re all thinking,” Rocky whines, but I can’t be upset at him, he’s being reasonable, thinking about JD and not worrying about my feelings.

“It was with JD,” I say with a smile remembering how weirdly nice it felt to touch her.

“What? When?” Mercer asks me, no hint of jealousy or anger lacing his tone, which to be honest is pretty surprising.

“She was here to see Lissa and she came to see me and it just happened.”

“Are you okay?” Levi asks, his hands still gripping mine.

“Guys, I’m fine. I just needed some time to process it. I was surprised by my actions and if I’m being honest I was afraid to tell you.”

“What happened that surprised you the most?” Mercer questions me with a raised brow.

I feel my face heat. I can’t believe I’m going to tell them this. “I… I was gentle with her. I didn’t think I could after what happened the first time, but I was.”

“Why would you be afraid to tell us?” Rory asks next. I know he struggles with our issues the most and doesn’t feel worthy because he didn’t face what we all had to. He didn’t encounter abuse or neglect or even his parents dying.

“It’s stupid,” I say closing my eyes, feeling myself shutting down. I take a deep breath.

Levi let’s go of my hands and lifts my chin so I’m looking at him. “Your feelings are not stupid, we all love you and you can tell us anything.”

I take another deep breath in. “I was worried that once you knew and you could all be with her in that way that she would realise how bad I am at it.”

Rocky laughs and it hurts my heart that he is so blatant to my pain.

“Dude, first times are never good. I blew my load as it went in, seriously and JD isn’t just going to jump into bed with us just because you two had sex.”

“He’s right you know,” her voice is music to my ears. We all turn and JD is standing at the door. “But one thing you have over Rocky is you were perfect. I wouldn’t change it for anything and I’m glad it was with you.” She smiles as tears glisten in her eyes.

I smile at her words, she doesn’t tell me things just for the sake of making me feel better and I love that about her. Rocky takes off towards her and wraps his arms around her, picking her up from the ground and spins her around. He doesn’t let her go, he walks back towards us with her still in a massive bear hug before sitting down and pulling her into his lap.

“What are you doing here?” Levi asks. “I thought you couldn’t come near us, not where people know about it anyway.”

“I spoke with my father and told him I wanted the charges dropped and the restraining orders. It took him a little while but a few hours ago he told me it was done and I came straight here.”

“Are you serious?” Rory asks and she nods with a beaming smile on her face. Rory very rarely gets emotional but I can see his eyes glass over. JD stands from Rocky's lap and goes to Rory.

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