Page 82 of Queen of the Crimson Throne

“I think the two of you getting married would solve a myriad of our problems.”

I put my head back in my hands. “Since when are you so reasonable?”

He sighed. “What did he say that made you want to run for the hills this time?”

“He said he’d wait for me. That I am it for him. That I can take other lovers if I want to, but he never will.” The idea was baffling. He would sit by and watch me fall in love with someone else if that’s what I truly wanted. Who did something like that? Not that I had been able to bed anyone else since he left. And I tried. I had sat in taverns flirting but when it came time to leave I never could.

I had never dwelled too much on it, but was it because of Luka? I had considered maybe I wasn’t ready to move on, but…

“Lennox?” My sister’s voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked over to find her emerging from deeper into the garden with Declan by her side.

I narrowed my eyes at Declan as he removed his hand from my sister’s back.

“Are you okay?” Kara asked.

Yes. No. I don’t know.

“Luka said something that made her spiral.” I gave Nico a seething look as he stood. “She’s done talking to me. Kara, why don’t you take over?”

I shook my head, how pathetic was I? Nico and Kara taking shifts to help me sort through my feelings. To figure out my impossible situation.

“I don’t know if she wants to talk tome?—”

I fixed my gaze back on the ground in front of me. “Of course she does,” Nico said. “I’ll leave you two to it.” I didn’t dare look at my sister.

I listened to the sounds of feet walking farther and farther away and one pair moving closer until Kara sat next to me. Approaching me like a scared animal who might bolt if you made a sudden movement.

“What’s going on, Len?” My sister placed her hand lightly on my shoulder. “You haven’t talked to me since—” she trailed off. Since those first days after I made Luka leave. Even then I had only given her the briefest details. Unable to speak without pain ripping through my chest. Before I shut it all out. Refused to talk to her.

To talk to anyone.

“If you’d rather talk to Nico I can get him back.” She moved to stand, but I pulled her back with a hand on her arm.

“I didn’t mean to talk to Nico and shut you out.” The only reason I had shut her out in the first place was because I knew she was the only person who could talk sense back into me. I didn’t want that those first weeks. But the longer I shut her out the harder it was to let her back in. Especially after she became upset with me.

“Nico came to me the night I first got here and he knew Luka’s side of the story and it made it easier to talk. He already knew things. With you—Kara you know me too well.” She saw right through my arguments. Poked holes in my defenses because she knew me, knew my weaknesses. She and Luka are the people who know me best. Goddess, I hoped those two never teamed up against me. I would be defenseless.

“I understand. I’m not mad, only hurt you feel like you can’t talk to me.”

“It’s not that I can’t talk to you. I—I don’t think I’m ready to hear what you’re going to say.”

Kara let out a light laugh.

“I’ve made some choices when it comes to Luka that I’m not proud of. I made them selfishly—to protect myself.” My chest felt heavy as I remembered the day in the training center. I never wanted to feel like that again.

“After the explosion and Lorenzo telling me Luka and I were going to be married, I was so upset Luka had kept his involvement from me, but I understood why he didn’t tell me. I reacted stronger than I should have, but the way I felt when I learned he had kept it from me—it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad so I wanted to make him hurt so he would leave me. But it didn’t work.” I let out a deep sigh as my sister placed her hand on my back and began rubbing soothing circles like our mother used to.

“He tried to tell me he loved me and I was so afraid of those feelings I commanded him to leave while I held my dagger to his throat.” I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Len.”

A sob caught in my throat at the memory. “I hurt him so badly that day and he continues to care for me. To want the best for me.”

“Kara,” I all but sobbed, “I don’t deserve the way he treats me. He sees a side of me I don’t think exists outside his eyes.”

Her hand on my back stilled. “Lennox, that’s not true. You’re so hard on yourself. Luka isn’t the only person who sees you that way. I know I do. I know Luce does. I’m sure Nico and Declan do. We all love the messed up person you are because that’s what makes you you.” She put her arm around me and pulled me to her side, I let my head rest in the crook of her neck.

“How do I make him stop loving me?” The words speared my chest in half as they came from my lips in a whisper.

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