Page 54 of If You Love Me

“No need to be sorry. This is good. May I ask if you and your husband’s fiancée have had a conversation?”

I shook my head. “Nothing productive. She’s very passive aggressive with me, and I give it right back to her. I know it’s not the best response, but the way she looks at me… it’s like I stole her future. You would think she’s the one who came home to her man with another woman. I’ve told that man to serve me the divorce papers, and I will sign them if he wants to be with her. I’ve yet to see anything.”

“How would you feel if heactuallypresented you with divorce papers?”

I thought for a moment. What word could accurately describe how I would feel?

“Devastated,” I answered after a minute. “I’ve loved that man for almost twenty years. There’s never been a passage of time where he didn’t exist in my heart. I was forced to live without him once, and now, I’m forced into it again.”

“You feel like your hands are tied.”

“Yes. I can’t just tell him to pick me. I mean, I can, but I don’t want that.”

“You want it to be natural.”

“Exactly. Sometimes, I feel like I endured all I endured for nothing.”

“How have you been dealing with that part of being home?”

“I try not to think about it. And I know that’s not healthy, but I can’t put myself in a victim mindset again. When I was in that basement, there were so many days when I wanted to kill myself before I died down there or at the hands of that man. I have so much anger toward him still that if I feel it, I’m going to lash out at the wrong people.”

“It’s healthy to release the anger in a safe space so you avoid doing just that.”

“What do you want me to say I’m upset about? The fact that he took me from my family? The fact that he should have been committed to a mental institution a long time ago? The fact that those people in that town knew he had mental issues and nobody did anything to protect the public from him? Where were his parents? His family? Where was somebody that gave a damn about him enough to protect him from himself? Maybe it’s the fact that even when he came out of a psychotic episode and knew I wasn’t his wife, he kept me locked away.”

My breathing elevated and so did my voice as I spoke. The anger I was trying not to feel had been simmering, and now it was well on its way to a rolling boil. Tears stung my eyes and clouded my vision. I wrapped my arms around myself as I often did to self soothe.

“I’m angry because the only way I feel normal sometimes is to sit in the closet at my parents’ house. Imagine being locked in a basement for years, and when you’re finally free, an enclosed space makes you feel normal. I double and triple check locks before I go to bed and throughout the night, so I barely sleep.I wake up three, sometimes four times in one sleep cycle to go check on my daughter and make sure she’s still there. When me and her dad take her out in public, I’m constantly looking around to make sure that no one is watching us too hard.

“How am I supposed to go back to work? How am I supposed to go in public alone without the fear of someone snatching me again? I deal with all this shit in my head, and I lie to the people that love me because I don’t want them to pity me. It’s no way to live, Dr. Stewart.”

I was in full-blown tears at this point. It wasn’t just the shit between Tyrion and me that was eating me up. It was everything. I was home, and I had life, but I wasn’t living.

“How are you feeling, getting that off your chest?” Dr. Stewart asked me.

I dabbed my eyes with the tissue. “Better.”

She covered my hand. “I know it’s tough. I know nobody likes to be vulnerable, but we can’t hold it all in. It will only consume you, Evenie. Even if you only talk to me, it’s a start. You have to let the people you love in too. They know you aren’t okay after all you’ve endured. Trust them to listen, even if they don’t know what to say. Sometimes, a listening ear is all you need.”

I nodded. I talked to her for a little while longer before my scheduled time was up. After scheduling my next appointment, I left the office and headed outside to where my father was waiting patiently. He insisted on bringing me and always waited out front until I was done. When he saw me come out of the building, he hopped out of his truck and went to open my door.

I smiled softly. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“You’re welcome. You hungry? You didn’t eat breakfast, and you barely ate dinner last night. You’re gonna waste away at this point, baby girl.”

I giggled. “I’ll eat. I promise.”

“Good, because I have a hankering for a good old-fashioned barbeque sandwich and a cold beer.”

He closed my door and got back into the truck. Cranking up, he pulled out of the parking lot and drove to his favorite pub. Even though he was in his late fifties, my father still had the spirit of a man half his age and the looks to match. What he and my mother thought of going out to a bar for drinks and music was nothing. Tyrion, Nina, Jamie, and I had gone with them plenty of times.

Watching him and my mother cut up on the dance floor was always the highlight of my night during those times. Even now, they were forever dancing around the house. Summer Rose always joined in. I could tell my baby was partially raised by older people because she had their moves down to the T. She was the youngest, middle-aged woman I’d ever met.

Inside the pub, my dad and I took a seat in a booth. The server left us with menus after taking our drink order, stating she’d be right back.

“Do you and Mom still come here?” I asked.

“Oh, yes! We have to show these young folks in here how it’s done every now and then.”

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