Page 4 of Paper Roses

“As you wish.”

“And please don’t Princess Bride me on the way out.”

After she’s gone, I look at Artie’s empty desk again thoughtfully. For someone so quiet, he leaves a big hole when he isn’t here. It’s a dangerous thought. But not nearly as dangerous as the moment six months ago when I realised that my assistant made my heart pound and my palms damp like a teenager.

Pulling my diary towards me, I bury my head in work.

I shift in my seat at the bar. The wedding is done and the reception almost finished. All that remains is a decimated buffet table, a bored-looking DJ, and a few guests slow dancing to ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael. I can never work out why it’s played at weddings when it’s about cheating.

I take a sip of my drink. I’ve grown used to Artie being at these functions with me, and it seems almost lonely without him today.

“Jed, you’re needed.”

I look up to find the barman hovering. “Sorry. Did you want me?” I say quickly.

“Not me.Him.” He gestures behind me, and I turn to see one of the waiters waving at me urgently. “Either that or he’s pretending to be a windmill.”

I set my glass down and stride over to the beckoning waiter. “Is something the matter, Ricco?” I ask.

The man nods frantically. “You’d better go to the ladies’ bathroom, Jed.”

I blink. “Not usually one of my duties. Why? What’s the matter?”

“Your bride is talking to her mother-in-law.”

“Is that not a good thing?”

He grimaces. “Not when she’s apparently holding her head over a toilet and threatening to pull the chain.”

“Ohshit!”

It’s a little too loud and several heads turn my way, including the groom’s. “Everything okay, Jed?” he calls.

“Absolutely fine, Lee,” I call back. “Couldn’t be better. Areyouokay?”

He nods enthusiastically. “I don’t think this day could have been any more perfect, and that’s entirely down to you.”

I’m almost positive that his new bride being carted away in a police car for attempting to murder his mother might put acrimp in his bright cheerfulness, so I offer him a wan smile and, straightening my tie, I hustle to the ladies’ bathroom.

I find two of the bridesmaids huddled in listening poses by the door. As I get close, I can hear a muted scream and then words being shouted. I groan.Perfect.

“Ladies,” I say briskly, and they jump and turn to me. Thank god, most of the guests have gone by now or we’d have an audience size more suited to the Royal Variety Show. “Everything okay?”

They look at each other and then back at me. “We might have a teeny problem,” Heather the chief bridesmaid says.

At that moment there’s a thump and more shouting.

“Just the one?” I ask.

“Esme is a bit peeved with Lee’s mother.”

We listen to more indistinguishable shouting. “Peeved or certifiably homicidal?” I ask.

Heather shrugs. “Maybe a bit of both. It’s the?—”

“Dress?” I say grimly and she nods.

“What’s going on?” a familiar voice enquires.

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