Page 53 of Paper Roses

Michael?

Mei mouths,Mick, and I give her a small smile of thanks.

Jed’s mum carries on. “His dad’s death hurt Jed very much at a formative age, you see.”

“I know,” I say softly. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Mrs Walker.”

“Paula please,” she says immediately.

“I lost my mum when I was two, and I suppose I lost my dad with her,” I say thoughtfully.

She grabs a handful of patterned napkins and starts to fold them, her fingers busy. She glances up at me. “When Carl died, I was a wreck. I’d never known another man. We were childhoodsweethearts, and I thought we’d live to an old age together but…” She sighs. “Anyway, it wasn’t to be. And Jed’s life was affected in a lot of ways. He’d been so close to Carl. They were as thick as thieves together and Carl took him to all his sports events. They used to go fishing together every Sunday morning. And then suddenly all that was gone, and I was scattered in pieces. It took me a while to get myself together for the boys, and Jed stepped up to be the man of the house far too young. By the time I was better, it was a role he couldn’t put away.”

“I can imagine that.” They look at me, and I shrug. “He feels responsible for everyone.” I smile at her. “It’s nice, though. Makes you feel safe.”

She scans my features for a long moment and then gives me a warm smile. “That’s very nice to hear,” she says softly. She glances at the photo of the laughing Mick and then sniffs. “He did the same with Michael, you know. Don’t let him do it with you.”

“Pardon?” I’m not sure what she’s talking about.

“Jed didn’t really let him in, did he, Mei?” she says, turning to the younger woman. “He kept his worries to himself.”

Mei nods. “Yeah. I’ve known the Walker brothers since we were kids. I was a few years younger and always had a crush on Adam, but even then, Jed had an air of mystery. He had a wall around him built so high and solidly that no one could get through. He was the kindest, most loyal man you could hope to meet. But he never let anyone look after him, and I always thought that was sad.”

“Well, Michael certainly didn’t try that hard to look after him,” his mum says tartly. She bites her lip and turns to me. “Don’t tell Jed I said that,” she whispers as if he’s behind the door. “It would upset him, and I don’t want to speak ill of Michael. He was a wonderful man—very funny and so clever. Heknew things I could never hope to. All sorts of things.” For a moment she pauses, her face soft with wonder.

I shift uncomfortably on the chair. I will never be as clever and knowledgeable as Mick. I can’t be.

“I liked him,” she says. “But I didn’t ever understand the way their marriage was. It wasn’t like me and Carl, and I know you shouldn’t judge, but there was a funny sort of distance between them, maybe because he was so much older than Jed and had all the money. For all that Jed took control in life, he was almost naïve in some ways.”

“It wasn’t just that,” Mei says. “Mick liked the smooth things in life.”

“That’s it,” Paula exclaims. “That’s the perfect way to describe Michael. He liked things smooth in his personal life, and he didn’t want to know if there was trouble or hurt feelings because then he’d have to get involved. He said he had enough of that at work.” I smile and she continues. “He was a very charismatic man, and I completely understood why Jed picked him, but I don’t think Jed ever knew why Michael chosehim, and that’s a shame. You should always know your own worth, shouldn’t you?” I nod, even though I’ve never had that conviction about myself. She carries on. “And that left Jed floundering a bit as to his own importance in the relationship. Oh, I know Michael loved him,” she says quickly. “He adored Jed and treated him well as far as I know but—” She hesitates. “A mother wants more, you know. Jed is a wonderful man, and anyone is lucky to have him on their side, but I want to see him with someone where he can show his weak spots and be valued for them, where he has a partner who will back him up instead of it being a bit one way.”

A silence falls and then she shakes her head. “Silly me. What athingto talk about when we’re celebrating your wedding. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I say steadily. I reach out daringly and pat her hand. “I will look after him.” The passion in my words might sound awkward, but it’s the most honest I’ve ever been. I truly mean it.

She stares at me for a long beat and then smiles. Joy seems to radiate from her. “Then I will be a very happy woman, Artie.”

I wish with a deep-seated ache that this was real, that his family are going to be mine, and that I could love and hold on to Jed. But it’s not in my stars.

Still, I can do as I promised. I may not be Jed’s husband for long, but I do want to be his friend. I know he doesn’t feel about me the way I want him to, but I’m still going to look after him from now on.

eight

. . .

jed

As we get out of the taxi, I stagger a little. “Jesus, what was in those drinks my mother served?”

Artie snorts and I sneak a look at him. He’s standing on the pavement, the wind blowing his hair around and bringing colour to his sharp cheekbones. His eyes are bleary and he’s swaying like he’s on the deck of a ship in a storm.

My mother had started making cocktails when Adam and I finished mending the fence. After several emotional toasts on her part, Artie and I had looked at each other and silently agreed to drink our guilt away.

The taxi drives off, taking my ballast with it, and I sway for a second. “Has there been an earthquake?” I hiccup and sway again. “It’s awfully naughty that someone didn’t in-inform us.”

I blink as Artie raises my arm and slots himself under it. “What are you doing?” I ask.

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