Page 106 of Paper Roses

I itemise the brown-gold waves of his hair, his pale green eyes, and the beard that is always so soft against my skin. I’m committing them to memory in case this goes wrong.

He stirs under my stare. “Are you okay?” he asks anxiously. Panic is never far away these days. “You’re being odd. Do we need to go to the hospital? I’ll get the keys.”

I stay his clasping hands. “No. No, Jed. I’mfine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very,” I say firmly. “I’m just nervous.”

His gaze sharpens. “Why?”

I take a deep breath. This is it. Time to take a chance. “Because our arrangement is over.” I hold up the letter from MrDavies. “We said this would end when the house is mine. You’re free again.”

A complicated expression crosses his face, and the silence grows. Then he stirs. “And what if I said I didn’t want that?” he says hoarsely.

My heart starts to thunder, and hope flares as bright as a supernova. “Really?”

He takes a moment and then says slowly, “We make good friends and lovers. I’ve enjoyed being together with you. I think we’re a good match.”

My stomach twists. “Friends and lovers?” I whisper.

“Only that, of course.”

“Of course.”

The supernova winks out, a few sparks flaring before dying to ash. I summon my courage. “Well, I don’t want that.”

He flinches, an uncontrolled motion for a very controlled man. “Oh,” he says. He clears his throat. “Well, if you don’t want that, I completely understand. I will always be your friend, and I’m glad that?—”

“I love you.”

He can’t conceal the shock on his face. Or the dismay. “What?”

I grimace. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so blunt.”

He looks like I bludgeoned him over the head with a sharp instrument. “You l-love me?”

I take in a bolstering breath. “I do.”

“But why?”

Tenderness stirs in my heart for this complicated man. “You’re asking me? The answer could take all night. I love that I can tell you anything without worrying about you judging me. That you make me laugh harder than anyone else. I love the way you brush your hair off your face a thousand times a day and only I know that it smells of coconut. I even love the factthat you’re short-sighted and keep forgetting to take off your prescription sunglasses when we’re on the tube, so people think you’re either a douche or a film star. And I love that I now understand you’re distracted by making everyone’s world better while paying very little attention to your own.”

He doesn’t respond. He’s either completely stunned or busy building up that wall of protection again. Either way, I’m grateful he’s letting me speak at this moment. I’ll experience the pain later. Right now, I need to finish telling him this. “And that’s why I can’t be your friend,” I whisper. “I want more. I wanteverything.”

“But youcan’tlove me.” The panic in his voice makes me sad.

“Well, I do,” I say simply. I take his trembling hand. “And I love you enough to finish this. You’re not happy, Jed.”

“Yes, I am. I?—”

“Youaren’t. You are turning yourself inside out by fighting your emotions, and it’s making you ill. I cannot and will not have that.”

Panic makes his eyes wild. “But I can be better. Is it because I’ve been absent?”

“Jed, I couldn’t have had a better nurse. It’s nothing to do with your physical presence and everything to do with how you are absent in other ways. You’ve built a wall between us, and I can’t cope with living with you and loving you while you stay behind it. It would destroy me, and I know you well enough to say that would hurt you.”

“I couldn’tbearto hurt you,” he says, startling me as he comes down on his knees next to me, grabbing my hand. “Artie,please.”

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