Page 46 of More Than a Match

I bring my dishes to the sink and instinctually reach for the soap but stop at the last second. What’s the point? I’m about to make this sink gross and overflowing with dishes… might as well start now. I turn away from the sink and grab my phone. It’s time to call in the cavalry.

It’s amazing what a few hours, some dirt, some dirty clothes, and a truckful of trash can do to an apartment. I gaze around, equally impressed and horrified at what we’ve managed to accomplish. The place looks like a gremlin moved in. It’s perfect. We left no inch of the place untouched- even my bedroom got the royal treatment, although I’m hoping Jason balks before it ever gets that far.

The bathroom in the hall got a healthy dose of makeup smears and toothpaste on the sink, and the little trash can is now overflowing with sanitary pads and tampons, which my friends and I had way too much fun opening. As I stare at the fluffy pile of cotton intimate products, a thought occurs to me.These all look pristine. They should look used. I glance at my phone.I’ve got some time.Thank fuck it’s almost Halloween.

I run out to my car and head to the nearest Spirit store. Once inside, I quickly locate the fake blood, but then I pause. How much is too much? I settle on one jug of blood, but as I head toward checkout, another thought occurs to me.Jason is a doctor. He knows that dried blood is darker than this jug of ‘straight from the tap’ red I’m holding. I’m going to need to up my game if he’s going to buy it.

I turn on my heel and head back to the special effects makeup area, and my eyes land on exactly what I need. Little bottles and tubes of congealed blood to add to scabs and partially healed wounds. I grab a few and head for the front.

“Oh, got a Halloween party coming up?” the cheerful cashier chirps.

“Yeah, something like that,” I force a laugh.

“What are you going to be?”

“A zombie. It’s mostly for a prank.”

“Oh, scary! Hope you pull it off!”

“Thanks, me too,” I agree as I wave and head out the door, the bag of assorted blood products clutched tightly to my chest.

I sit on the bathroom floor and dump the contents of the trash can around me. Time for some trial and error. Given that I’m not super familiar with how a pad or tampon looks after being immediately discarded, I know I just have to wing it. After a few mishaps, I quickly realize that saturating the tampons and pads with the brighter jug blood, then smearing the dark blood on top is the way to go. It makes it look very messy, and most importantly, very real.

I finally finish my project and sit back to admire my handiwork. If this was something I happened upon in my janitorial duties, I would be disgusted. Hopefully it does the trick. I check my phone for the time again. Shit. 7:15. I have to get rid of the evidence.

I quickly bundle all of the fake blood containers into a bag and bring them into my room, shoving them under the bed. My phone chimes. It’s Mina.

Shit.It’s time. I wade through the piles of trash to my patio door and step outside, making sure the blinds are closed. Even though the risk of being seen is low, I crouch in the corner of the patio, desperately praying that he doesn’t step out for fresh air.

Oh fuck. I forgot about the fart spray.I leap to my feet and dash inside, hurdling over piles like a damn Olympian. I grab the tiny bottle from the kitchen counter and glance at the back.I should have read the instructions earlier, I chide myself. No time for that now.

I take a deep breath and give the entryway a spritz. I have no idea if that’s enough, but they should be here soon, so it’ll have to be. I scamper back to the patio and resume my position, relieved to finally be able to breathe again.

I’m just in time. As I hunker down I can hear the front door open. I do my best to slow my breathing down as I strain to hear what’s being said. After a few minutes, which feels like an eternity, I hear Jason raise his voice. I feel my heart beginning to race, and I’m debating whether or not to bust in when I hear the front door slam, followed by a long silence. Too long. I slowly rise from my spot, my fight or flight instincts squarely on fight. But then I hear it. It’s Mina, and she’s laughing.

All the anger and anxiety practically melts away, and the only thing I want is to be next to her. I slide open the door and step inside, and I’m met with the stench from the fart spray, which I had completely forgotten about.Christ, that’s rank. It doesn’t even smell like a fart. It smells like straight swamp ass, if that ass also happened to be infected with gangrene. No wonder Jason didn’t stay for the full tour. This is awful. Mina is on her hands and knees, and she shuffles around to face me, barely able to breathe. Her laughter is contagious, and I can’t help but join in.

“So, baby, how’d it go?”

“Thanks a million, guys,” I say as I wave goodbye. I close my door and turn around to face Mina. “That was intense. I didn’t think we’d get done so fast, but it’s not even midnight yet.”

“No shit,” she groans, making her way over to my couch and sinking down on the cushions. “I don’t know if I’ll ever feel clean again.”

“Same. But at least the apartment looks clean again.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s a plus. When I first saw the mess, I didn’t think it would ever get clean.”

“Do you think it still stinks in here, and our noses have just gotten used to it?” I sink down on the couch beside her and put my arm around her. “Or did we get it all?”

“Let’s go outside for a few minutes, get some fresh air, then come back in and see,” she suggests.

“Sounds good,” I agree, and wait for her to stand. She doesn’t. “Seems like there’s one flaw in your plan.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“It requires standing and going outside.”

She groans dramatically and balls her fists like a child having a tantrum. “But I don’t wanna move! That’s stupid. Moving is stupid. My whole body hurts.”

---