Page 69 of Saving You Losing Me

I say nothing because what is the answer to that, anyway? Do I hate her? Hate is too weak a word for how I feel about her. I experience every emotion when I gaze into those betraying eyes, and bitterness replaces any other emotion that is jostling for position inside my damaged heart.

I point to the couch.

“What happened?”

“I–” Her voice breaks. “Killed him.”

“I heard, but that wasn’t the question. What was your reason?”

She tugs her bottom lip through her teeth.

“He was angry. He was always angry.”

Her eyes burn with pain. “I overheard him arguing with Emilio. He ordered him to fetch Dominic Riley and then he saw me.”

Her knuckles are white as she clenches the fabric of her dress.

“He was so angry, Atom. I was used to the beatings, but this was something else entirely.”

I hold up my hand. “Stop right there.”

I draw in a ragged breath, fast losing my shit. “Beatings?” I fix her with a hard glare and she nods miserably.

“It began shortly after our wedding.”

Fuck! I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He has been abusing her for all this time. Ten fucking years!

“Despite what you think, it wasn’t a love match.” She shakes her head sadly. “It was an arrangement that I wanted no part of.”

“But you agreed, darlin’ and nothing changes that. You had a choice, and you chose that life, so you have nobody to blame but yourself.”

I dismiss her words with the facts and she nods miserably.

“You’re right. I chose that life, but I had my reasons.”

“In the past, darlin’. Whatever they were, you had a choice. Nothing changes that and you chose him.”

I almost can’t speak. I’m so angry. If I thought time would cure me of my bitterness, I was wrong. It’s as if no time has passed at all as I’m brought back to the past, as if those years never happened.

Clara nods and sighs heavily. “You’re right to be angry. I chose him over you and, well, I can’t change that.”

“What happened today?”

I can’t dwell on the past, or her reasons. I already know I’m not strong enough, and the only way I can deal with this is to focus on the present.

“As I said, he was angry and blamed me for whatever problem he was dealing with. He told me everything was my fault. That I had a loose mouth and gave his enemies ammunition to bring him down.”

“Did you?” I say cruelly, and she shakes her head.

“If I had the chance, I would have given anything to bring him down. I hated him and I always have.”

“But you still married him.” I snap, hurt, pain and bitterness fully in charge of my tongue right now.

She glances down at her hands and tugs on the fabric as she whispers, “He was enraged. It was as if he had lost control of his mind as well as his body. He pushed me into his den and slapped me hard around the face, punching me and raining blows on me that came from nowhere, and I fell against the desk and onto the floor. I had no time to react before he was kicking me and all the time, he was shouting obscenities and threats. I truly believed he was going to kill me.”

She sobs into her hands and any normal man would be comforting her, but I watch with a steely determination to guard my heart because I will not allow her to destroy me for a second time.

“He beat me with the iron poker and told me he would use it to tear me up inside.”

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