Page 63 of Leave

He deserved better, though.

“I don’t know what’s happening.” I laughed bitterly. “I just know what’snothappening.”

I was convinced he was going to scoff and roll his eyes, but instead, he pulled me closer. “Okay. Then we won’t push it. There’s still plenty we can do.” He paused. “I mean, if you want to. If you’d rather stop, we can—”

“No, no, I don’t want to stop.” I shook my head. “I don’t know if I’m going to get it up and finish, but I don’t want to leave you hanging.”

“There’s no pressure from me,” he whispered, and kissed me softly. “Let’s take a breather for a few minutes, and then we can figure out what we want.”

I hated that idea. I knew exactly what I wanted, and that was to be pounding into his ass until we got a call from the front desk telling us to keep it down.

Maybe he was right, though. Maybe we just needed to chill for a bit, then get back into it.

I settled on my side next to him, and he rolled to face me. As he draped his arm over my waist, I said, “It’s, um… It’s probably not going to happen tonight. Topping you, I mean.”

“Okay. It doesn’t have to happen tonight or any other night.” He cupped my face and kissed me softly. “As long as we can make each other feel good… I’m happy.”

I sighed. “There’s just… I mean, everything we’ve tried so far has been easy. I guess—I don‘t know, I guess I worked it up into something in my head, and then it was just…” I flailed my hand, and I hated how goddamned weak and pathetic I sounded as I added, “I thought this would be that easy, too.”

Riley held me closer, which only made me feel like even more of a failure. Every time I thought I was far enough ahead of my nightmarish past, it crept in like black mold, seeping in and taking hold until I couldn’t breathe anymore. Ikneweverything with Riley was safe. That sex with him was nothing like what had happened back then. This man had proven, time and time again, that he would never push, that my consent and pleasure were paramount, and that more than I’d ever been with anyone else, I wassafewith him.

But the moment I tried to lose myself in exactly what I wanted… it all came crashing back in.

I wanted to explain it to him, too. I didn’t want him to think this was because of him. I also didn’t want him to think I wasstupid and pathetic, though; failing to keep my dick hard was humiliating enough without also explaining why.

“I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes. “I felt so damn good tonight. Like everything else didn’t exist, and it was just us, and…” I trailed off, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me.

Riley drew back a little. “Nolan. Baby. Look at me.”

Shame and humiliation kept me avoiding his gaze.

“Please?” he whispered. “Look at me?”

I finally did, and I found nothing but gentleness in his expression. And maybe a tiny bit of amusement, which made me want to shrink away and die.

But he touched my chin and murmured, “The first time I topped you, I set a new land speed record for going off too soon.”

I blinked. “You…”

“Remember?” His lips curled into a playful grin. “I barely got in and”—he snapped his fingers—”that was all she wrote.”

“I, um… I remember.”

“Right. So I’d be a hell of a hypocrite to be an asshole because you’ve got some nerves tonight. Some completely understandable nerves. Or even if it just… happened. Because let’s be real—sometimes dicks don’t cooperate, and they don’t always need a reason for it.”

The quiet laughter that tumbled out of me felt good. Like there was hope that this humiliation wouldn’t last forever.

“Don’t sweat it, okay?” he said. “I mean it. We’re both still going to get off tonight—don’t worry.”

Sighing, I sank into his embrace and buried my face against his neck. This had to be the most surreal part about sex with Riley. At every turn, when I was sure he was going to flip out at me or laugh at me or think I was a pathetic loser, we landed like this—his strong arms around me while his gentle words reverberated through my mind.

“It’s embarrassing,” I admitted.

“I know.” He stroked the back of my head. “I wanted to curl up and die when I went off too fast.”

I lifted myself up again to meet his gaze. “It bothered you that much?”

His cheeks colored as he nodded. “Are you kidding? Somewhere, there’s a support group for premature ejaculators who would all hear my story and say, ‘okay, you know what, I’m good.’”

---