Page 59 of Second Chance

Probably, he should start with an apology. But the thought of it feels sour on his tongue. He’s not sorry; he didn’t say anything he doesn’t believe. At the same time, it makes him feel like a petulant toddler. He wants her to acknowledge he went through a bunch of shit at the same time she did. He wants her to understand he missed opportunities for her sake. He wants her to understand it hurts him when she acts as if having a family that loves her is a pain. He wants so many things, and none of them are all that important, but he’s not about to back down on them. That would mean admitting he feels vulnerable and stupid to want them in the first place.

Gianna must feel similarly unwilling to make the first step. She lets him work on stripping parts out of Mrs. Cooper’s son’s ancient Volvo in peace for most of the work day. It finally gave up the ghost a month ago, and he traded it in for a newer used car. Though not technically a dealership, they usually know when their regulars are looking to trade up, and it’s easy enough to get buyers and sellers in touch with one another. The upshot is that every now and again, Pa ends up buying very used cars for very cheap. It’s a good deal for everyone. The Volvo isn’t roadworthy anymore, but there are things worth saving about it—vintage upholstery, wiring, and some of the parts under the hood are still in use in newer Volvos.

Tony’s ripping out the upholstery when Gianna finally makes her way to the garage. Tony finds it therapeutic, cutting up along the seams and ripping it all out.

“So,” she says, her voice loud in the quiet space since the radio’s off today. Usually, Kyle turns it on, but it’s his day off(or not, depending on how long he and Pa spend fixing the motorboat). “Are we gonna talk about it?”

“What’s to talk about?” Tony keeps his back turned, bent over the car’s seats.

“Hm, well, let me think.” From the ironic tone of her voice, he can tell she’s probably crossing her arms and cocking her hip. “Maybe how you embarrassed me in front of all of my friends? Lily and Sean aren’t answering my texts. You made me sound like a freeloader.”

“That’s not what I said.” Tony tries not to change his tone and reveal how angry he still is. He wonders for a second if this is how Pa feels when he talks about Mario.

Gianna’s voice is thick, like she’s fighting tears. “Is it so bad to want some time to be a normal college student? I wouldn’t actually move out. It’s not like I’m not grateful or like I regret Lia or anything. I just…want to be normal sometimes.”

Tony doesn’t answer, clenching his jaw as he tears out a tricky bit.

“God, what iswithyou?” Gianna says in disgust. “You didn’t used to be this way.”

“What way?”

“Emotionally unavailable.”

Tony straightens and tosses the scraps of upholstery on the pile behind him. “I’m available. I’m available all the damn time. You’re the one who’s acting as if nothing’s wrong when your goddamn professor got stabbed. At least your fancy college friends are pretending to care a little.”

Gianna hesitates a moment. Her eyes go wide, and he thinks this will be when she finally opens up.

Then, her chin juts out. “Maybe I don’t want to talk about that with you.”

“Fine. Then don’t come complaining to me about this.”

“Fine.” She stalks off, grabs her keys and phone off the workbench, and heads for the door.

“Where are you going?” he calls after her. “Day’s not over.”

“You can close up today.” She’s barely loud enough to be heard across the garage, not even doing him the decency of yelling. “I’m gonna go take care of my daughter since babysitting is such a burden to Mom.”

The door slams behind her.

“Fuck,” Tony says to no one in particular.

He goes back to the Volvo. Ripping out cloth and foam is less satisfying now that he feels guilty. Guiltier.

Eventually, he caves and gets his phone out.

All he has is one text from Daniel:Emergency meeting w counseling this afternoon about the stupid police searches. home by six. maybe six thirty.

Tony rolls his eyes.Baby,he answers.You are not the only dean at the college. You’re also not a counselor. Delegate or sth.

He remembers what Gianna said about counseling at Lobell once, how they were no help to someone like Andrew Clayfield, who was veering into psychosis. They probably need all the support they can get. On the other hand, what help can Daniel be to them? He keeps trying to send Lily to them every time she comes to talk to him, and it’s clearly not working. Counseling services at a small liberal arts college don’t exist to handle violent crime, they’re meant to tackle homesickness or stress from too much classwork. One meeting with Daniel will notsuddenly equip students to handle the disaster on campus right now.

With his brain already on the Lily Peterson track, Tony can’t help but retrace every concern about her he’s had in the last few weeks. Every time he’s seen her, she’s looked anxious, even desperate. She was nervous the day “Sean hit a deer,” but last night, she seemed all over the place. And who’s there to help her besides Daniel? Gianna? Gianna has her own shit to deal with. Sean? He’s trying his best, but his best is getting overwhelmed at the thought of handing out flyers. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’s able to handle an unstable girlfriend in meltdown. All this new business with police searches is hardly helping.

What Lily could possibly have to hide from the police is beyond Tony. Maybe an embarrassing sex toy collection. Maybe pot. Maybe, the paranoid part of his brain adds, proof of the murder or a handy stack of magazines with the letters cut out. Shewasworried about being a suspect, which could mean she did it. If watching his way through several procedural crime shows with Daniel in the name of science has taught him anything, it’s that if someone is trying to look innocent, they probably aren’t.

Great, and now he’s thinking like Daniel was last year when he started suspecting every troubled student who intersected with Mario of murder, including Tony’s own sister. Daniel believes Lily didn’t do it, and Daniel is the most suspicious person he knows. If she were going to do anything to him, she would have already done it.

“You’re being ridiculous, Anthony,” he tells himself firmly.

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