Page 40 of Life Lessons

I’m woken up the next day by banging on the door I am still lying beside. As I uncurl my body, I groan at the stiffness in my joints. My whole body hurts from lying on the hard, cold ground all night. But I would take this pain any day, compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart. It was already fractured, with a giant Tillie shaped piece missing, and now Jett has taken his part away too. All that is left is a cold, empty shell. My cold, black heart consumes me.

When I fell asleep last night, I vowed never to let any man wield that kind of power over me ever again. Besides, there is no point in me trying to move on, I already know I can’t. I found my soulmate, my other half, and he left me. He left me shattered, and broken. I’m not capable of loving, or being loved. That is the moment I decide I don’t want to feel anything anymore. So, I shut down. Turn off all emotions, all feelings at all. I will function to the best of my ability, but I can’t live. It may sound dramatic, but how can I be expected to function when I am missing a crucial part of me.

So, as the knocking becomes louder, I push the hair out of my face, straighten my clothes that I have been laying in all night, and turn to answer the door. I know I look a mess, my eyes must be red, sunken, and empty, my skin the palest it has probably ever been, and just generally lacking in any kind of happiness. But I can’t fake it.

As the door swings open, my best friend pushes her way through and throws her arms around me. I stand there, allowing her to hug me since it’s what she seems to need, but I can’t bring myself to return the hug. What would be the point? It won’t make me feel better. Nothing will.

“Oh, Abs. I have been so worried about you. You didn’t come to class again today, people are saying you have been suspended. There was even a rumour that the security were here for you because you attacked Caine. That’s why he left. Apparently he spoke on Harriett’s behalf at the hearing, said you provoked her and that is why she hasn’t been punished. I have been telling people what utter bollocks that must be though,” she explains, as she pulls me towards the sitting room and onto the sofa. I flop down, trying not to remember all the memories I have of Jett walking me over to the couch before fucking me on it.

“It is probably true. He has gone after all,” I say, voice monotone and unfeeling.

Trixie’s eyes peruse over me, and I see the concern there. She looks at me with sad eyes, and a small smile on her face.

“Are you okay? On the plus side, people are too busy talking about all the security and why Caine left to talk about the sports rally fiasco.” Her perky, upbeat tone tells me she really does think that is a good thing. I guess now that people know I’m a murderer, security seems the next most logical step on the gossip train. Fuck, do people really have nothing better to do than spread bullshit and lies.

“No, I am not okay. That fucking bitch tells the entire school my personal business and it becomes my fault. I made her tell the entire school that I’m a murderer. Then, on top of that, I find out that the only teacher I even sort of tolerate or respect in this fucked up excuse for a school, stabs me in the back, and then leaves,” I spit out. What starts as anger slowly morphs into pain as I talk about him and his betrayal. What annoys me the most is that I can’t even bring myself to be mad at him. I am too busy missing him for that.

“I’m sorry, Abs. I am doing what I can to get the justice you deserve against Harriett. She has no right to make up shit like that just to hurt you,” Trix says, as she strokes my arm reassuringly. I can’t stop the manic laugh that escapes my lips.

“She didn’t lie though. Almost a year ago, I killed my twin, Tillie,” I whisper.

Trixie’s eyes fly open and her hands freeze where they are holding mine. She looks like a deer caught in headlights, like she doesn’t quite know what to say or do next. So I speak for her.

“I have to live with what I did every single day. I am missing a piece of myself that I will never get back. Matilda, or Tillie as she preferred to be called, was quite literally my better half. Both of us died that day, but for some reason I was given a second chance at a life. I didn’t want it, and I’m still not sure I do. But, still, I tried. I tried to live the life she would have wanted. I made friends, and so much more, but it will never be enough. I will always be empty inside.” My voice is low, and full of pain. I wipe away the stray tears that fall, those that I can’t stop and manage to get loose. I thought I had cried all I could, but I was wrong.

Looking over at Trixie, I notice she too has tears streaming down her face. I’m confused. Why is she crying?

“Oh, Abbie. I am so sorry. I had no idea you had a sister, let alone a twin that you lost. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through, and to have it all dragged back up by that bitch, Harriett, it’s so wrong. But please don’t dismiss the life you have built. It may not be much in comparison to the life you had with Tillie in it, but it’s yours. You created it for you. Don’t ever forget that,” she says, pulling me in for another hug.

This time I gently wrap one arm around her. I wish I could tell her everything. Tell her the real reason for my pain, but I can’t. There’s no point, it’s not going to change anything. I know I am lucky to have someone like Trix in my life, but it’s not enough and I hate that for her. The way she looks at me, it’s like she needs me as much as I need her. Problem is, she put her faith in the wrong girl. I can’t save myself so I sure as fuck can’t help anyone else. I’m a lost cause and she needs to get as far away from me as possible. I hate that I have to push her away, but there’s no other choice. All I do is hurt the people I love. Death and destruction are left in the wake of everywhere I go. I can’t pull Trixie into that, she deserves better.

“Sorry, I won’t be much company tonight. I want to try and get myself ready for school tomorrow. I can’t hide away forever. I’m gonna have a nice bath and catch up with my homework. Is it okay if we meet tomorrow instead? We both have a free after history?” I ask, trying my best to sound as sincere as possible.

Trixie assesses me with her knowing eyes, and I feel naked under her scrutiny. My heart races at the idea she might want to stay. I need to be alone right now. The pain is building and it is getting too much to bear.

“Fine. But you better be there or I will drag you there. You are not missing class and risking not graduating because of that bitch. And please just know, Abs, you can talk to me about anything, anytime. Whenever you are ready to talk, I will listen,” she declares, with love and care in both her voice and her eyes. I look away, not wanting to see that she cares for me. She shouldn’t.

I don’t say a word, just give her a small and meaningless smile. Her face turns sad, and her shoulders sag. My usually perky and upbeat friend looks defeated and lost, like she isn’t really sure how to help me.

In silence, I lead her to the door, opening it and gesturing for Trix to leave. She is almost all the way out before she turns and looks over her shoulder. With a small sigh, she smiles and walks away, deciding not to say whatever was on her mind. As soon as I slam the door behind her, I waste no time in running back towards my bed.

Taking the note out of my back pocket, I unfold it and gently place it onto the bed. I strip off all my clothes and pull the old Metallica t-shirt out from under my pillow. I must have about five of his t-shirts still littered around the flat, but this is the one I wear the most. As I bring it up to my nose and inhale the familiar smells that are all Jett, my chest aches. I feel it down to my very soul.

Sitting cross legged on the bed, I pull the little pocket knife out of my bedside table. I keep it hidden underneath my kindle and dildos. Normally, I would take my time. Look for the perfect spot to maximise impact, but minimise scarring. I don’t have time for that this time. The darkness is invading quickly and I feel like I am drowning. This is the only way I know to get just a bit of relief. So without thinking, I slice horizontally across the top of my lower arm, closest to the inside of my elbow.

Blood begins to pour instantly, and the droplets form quicker than they usually do, but that’s okay with me. More and more fall, and I watch them as they leak over onto my purple duvet cover. I know I should care that my arm is bleeding heavily, or that I am getting blood everywhere, but I don’t. All I can feel is that momentary relief. That sensation that just for a moment, I’m not drowning. I am holding the darkness off, for now. I know it’s temporary, but I don’t care. For now, I just need to basque in the moment, the few seconds of relief that I will get. Before the guilt and revulsion behind it creeps in. It’s a cycle I’m used to, and one that can only be broken one way. A permanent end to the cycle, and to me. There’s a part of me that is very seriously considering this option. But that’s for later me to deal with. This me, is allowed to watch the blood fall, and hope that it washes away just a small part of my pain. Just enough so that I can function. Or maybe just enough so I can go a short while without thinking of him.

I have known grief. Hell, I have lived it for the past year. I thought the pain of losing my twin, my other half would be what killed me. I didn’t think it was possible to live in a world where she wasn’t. But I did, and now I am sure about what will kill me. Finding the person who you share your heart and soul with, only to have them tear it out. That’s the worst pain in the world. That is the pain I don’t ever think I will survive.

The shrill ringing of my alarm pulls me out of the stupor I was in. I think I fell asleep around one this morning, and after dreaming about him, and some of the memories we shared together, I woke up gasping for breath. That ache in my heart felt more like a crater and I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to sleep. I brushed away the tears that fell, not wanting to cry anymore and I just laid there.

Shutting my brain off from all thought was easy. I had enough practice doing it after Tillie’s death. It’s like time and space are moving around you, but you aren’t really aware. That’s exactly what I feel like. Just numb and not really caring about the world around me. A beep from my phone grabs my attention and I snatch the phone up instantly.

I don’t know why I am still expecting it to be him. I don’t even dare look at how many times I called or messaged his number last night. I just want it to all be a lie. I want to get that familiar text from my moody bastard, and just know that everything will be alright. But that text never came, and this one is from Trixie. I try not to acknowledge how deflated I am at seeing her name instead of the one I really want.

Trix: Don’t be late for class today. I will hunt you down. Harley and Jackson are looking out for you in Maths. Stick by them and try not to get into any trouble.

I know her words are meant to be kind, but all they do is remind me of my mother. Her reminder to stay out of trouble. It’s okay for people to walk all over me and drag my name through the mud, but god help if I attempt to fight back.

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