Page 42 of Life Lessons

I want to stand. I want to hold my ground, but I don’t think I can. I can feel the water droplets filling my eyes, and no matter how hard I try to hold them off, I know they will fall. I am determined not to let these dicks see me cry.

I risk a look towards the teacher, a last ditch effort, hoping she is going to stop this attack. But instead of the support I would have gotten from him, I am faced with a cold, hard sneer. Now the family resemblance is visible. No matter how beautiful Harriett and her Auntie may be, that look will always make them ugly.

Unable to stand listening to their abuse any longer, I pick up the bag I had only a few minutes before put down, and I make a run for the door. A loud, shrill voice sounds out over the taunts. “If you step foot out of this classroom, Miss Nightingale, I will fail you. So, you either sit back down in this room and deal with the consequences of your actions like a grown up, or you will not graduate.”

Taking a deep breath for extra courage, I hold the tears at bay for just a few seconds longer and I turn around to face my new teacher. Looking her straight in the eye, I find a confidence I didn’t know I was capable of. “I would rather be downgraded and do Standard Maths than be in a classroom with a teacher who not only allows but encourages bullying and abuse. Not one person in this room knows my story, yet you judge me anyway. You are all bullies who stand behind what Harriett says simply because she has dirt on you. But I don’t back down. I’ll happily tell the world what a massive hairy cunt she really is, and I’ll pay the price. But my question to you all would be, what makes her a reliable informant? How do you know she is telling the truth? Did I have a twin sister? Yes. Did she die? Yes. Did I kill her? Maybe. There’s a long story behind it, one I have no intention of sharing with you lot. What I want to know is how Harriett can get away with reading confidential documents, breaking the trust handed to her in her office assistant role, and spreading rumours about people? Or using the information to blackmail and bully people? When does it end?”

I hear mutterings but nobody says anything, which I guess is a good thing. I turn back around, thinking I have gotten away with my little speech. I should have known better.

“If I were you, Abbie, I would think very carefully about the aspersions you cast my way. I take my job role very seriously, and I keep lots of secrets confidential. You are the one that pushed and bullied me, and so I retaliated. I felt people deserved to know the type of person they were going to school with. But I still kept your other secret, and I know you don’t want that one getting out. Do you, Little Bird?” Harriett sneers, her face a mask of deviousness.

Just the mention of that name on her lips makes me want to charge at her. I drop my bag and my fists roll up into a ball as I take a step towards Harriett. She instinctively takes a step back and her Auntie takes a step forward, placing herself between us. The tension in the room is palpable and I can hear mutterings all around wondering if I would be stupid enough to throw a punch. I am reckless enough. What do I have to lose?

Even if Harriett does spill my remaining secret, what are they going to do? Stop us from being together? Too fucking late for that. I literally have no shits left to give. Which is what propels me to take another step towards the bitch who is responsible for ruining my brand new life.

Before I can get close enough to Harriett to throw a punch, her Aunt steps in the way. I wouldn’t have minded if her Auntie caught a clip too, but I don’t get a chance. Harley and Jackson are both on their feet in an instant blocking my path. Jackson gently takes hold of my shoulders and guides me back towards the door, while Harley speaks to our new teacher.

“Sorry, Miss. I think Abbie is still not feeling too great. I am going to take her to the nurse and hopefully she will be feeling better very soon. I think it’s better for all parties that we have a bit of a cooling off period. Don’t you agree, Harriett?” he says calmly, looking pointedly at his ex.

Harriett stares up at Harley, her feelings still evident in the way she looks at him. He clearly means a lot to her, which is why she agrees to the break. Our new teacher however, isn’t enamoured by Harley, at least not quite yet.

“Fine. But Jackson, you stay here. And Harley, I will expect to see you in my classroom after school to make up for this lost time. Miss Nightingale, see Mr Thornton about a transfer. You are no longer welcome in my class. I only teach the best.”

“As in, no murderers,” one of my fellow students tags on to the end, causing everyone to break out into laughter. Even the bitch of a teacher in front of me has an evil glint in her eye and a cocky smile on her face.

Before I can say anything, Harley drags me out of the classroom, picking up my bag as I go. As soon as we are out of the building, the cold crisp air hitting my skin, finally Harley stops. He gently pushes me towards the nearby bench, encouraging me to sit. As I do, I see a brightly coloured pixie-like woman with multi-coloured hair come running around the corner. She pushes past Harley and throws herself onto the bench next to me.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Trixie yells.

I look down, focusing on a piece of rogue thread on the cuff of my hoody rather than at my best friend with the knowing eyes. Biting the inside of my lip, I feel my body sag and that’s when it occurs to me, I just pissed my future down the drain and I don’t care. I may not graduate now. My one goal, and I don’t even give a shit. If I don’t graduate, my parents will disown me, but so what. There is no point to life in general right now.

“To be fair, that new teacher is a right bitch,” Harley adds, much to Trixie’s annoyance. She gives him an angry glare, and I am glad someone else is bearing the brunt of her disappointment for now.

“Look, I know it’s tough, Abs. I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through, but you have to keep going. You can’t let them win. You have half an hour to get your shit together and then you go to your next class and just do what you can. I will meet you at lunch time in the cafeteria. Okay?”

I agree, mostly because I need to be alone. Luckily it works, and so for the next half an hour, I go to my happy place. The place where I can be close to Tillie, and have memories of Jett with me too. For just half an hour, I sit in the music room, singing my heart out, and letting the darkness win.

The bell indicatingthe end of that lesson, gives me around five minutes to get to my next class. Standing, I pull my bag over one shoulder, but I just feel so heavy. I feel like with every step I take, my shoes are ladened down with cement. It’s so ironic that just a few days ago I felt so light it was almost like I was walking on air. Now, with every step I take, all I want is for it all to end. I don’t want to feel this hurt, this emptiness anymore. But if I can survive losing my sister, my twin, the better half of my soul, then I sure as fuck can keep putting one foot in front of the other until I am over him. Only my heart secretly knows that there is no chance I will ever get over him.

The walk to my next class is as eventful as I was expecting. Students whisper to each other as I walk past. I try to keep my head down ,but it’s difficult to ignore the murderer jibes that are being thrown my way. Then there’s the one student, who I didn’t even fucking recognise, she has the audacity to throw a fucking apple core at my head.

I want to get angry, to fight back, but I just can’t care enough to argue. What’s the point?

The rest of the week passes by in much the same fashion. I went to class, and with every corridor I turned down there was another student with another set of insults to hurl at me. Then there was the actual food, or objects that they threw at me. When they progressed to throwing drinks over me, I had to stop wearing his t-shirts. They were already starting to lose his scent. I couldn’t risk needing to wash them too. What was worse was when they progressed to physically spitting at me. Like I was something so disgusting, that was all I deserved.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have people on my side who stand up for me and try to stop the tirade of abuse. Trixie got into more arguments with people this week than she normally does. Harley and Jackson were literally threatening any jock with being kicked off their teams if they supported this bullshit. It wasn’t enough. Three people don’t have the power to take on the whole school. Particularly when the teachers don’t give a shit about it either.

Friday is the day I’m supposed to have my appointment with Mr Thornton and my parents to decide how we proceed from here, given my clear and unruly behaviour. Such bullshit. I have spent the last week being bullied, abused, and assaulted, yet I never even spoke a word to my attackers. I didn’t fight back in any way, or even tell on them. There would have been no point. The teachers are aware of what is happening, and because they failed to punish Harriett, they have actually given her more power. She feels invincible, which is why she is encouraging people to do this. She is leading them, supporting them in their reign of terror, yet nobody gives a shit.

So I haven’t fought back. I haven’t said a word. But each night when I finally get home to the safety and comfort of my room, I surround myself with the scent and reminders of the man I love, play a recording I have of my sister singing, and I cut away the pain. Each time I need to do more, to go deeper, to let more blood flow because it is never enough. What was once enough to be a relief for me is now just painful, a tiny ripple of relief. I want and crave more, so I cut more. As the blood runs further and faster, I wonder each time, how much more my fragile shell of a body can withstand.

Friday night is normally a time when I would rush home after my last class of the day, tired from the week that I am glad to be behind me. My last lesson on a Friday is normally Maths, and on more than one occasion, Jett and I would stay after class to enjoy some detention time. I remember the time we almost got caught by another student. They had left their phone in the classroom and came back looking for it. Luckily I was on my knees under his desk and was out of sight. If he had come in a few minutes before he would have seen me bent over the desk getting my ass slapped with a ruler.

But those days are long gone, and now Friday has a different meaning. Instead it means nothing, just the end of one working week, and the start of an empty weekend. All I have to look forward to is an evening purging my soul and trying desperately to find the right place to cut that will give me the relief I seek. I honestly feel like an addict searching for that illustrious high I had once before, but can’t seem to replicate again.

Though this Friday is different, and as I sit outside Mr Thornton’s office waiting for my parents to arrive, I take some deep breaths in preparation. I don’t know what to expect. I haven’t seen my parents properly in quite a while. My leg is bouncing up and down and I can feel my heart racing in anticipation. I don’t think it’s normal for kids to get anxious at seeing their parents.

“Miss Nightingale, you may go in now,” says Mr Thornton’s secretary in a sickly sweet voice as she points towards the door I am very familiar with. This isn’t exactly my first time in the Head’s office.

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