Page 50 of Life Lessons

“He’s not worth this, Til,” I say quietly and I hear her sigh. It’s like I can physically feel the pain she feels deep inside. I know she really liked him.

“I thought he liked me,” she whispers, her voice sounding raw.

“I know, hun. And it’s his fucking loss because I am telling you, Misty is nothing compared to you,” I state proudly, and I mean it. She may be my sister and that does make me biased, but it’s also the truth. She is a good person, and a million times nicer than Misty.

“I thought he was going to take me to prom,” she says, her breath hitching at the end and as I look over I see a rogue tear falling down her cheek.

“Prom is a couple of months away. You have plenty of time to find someone. And if you don’t then I will be your date because you know I will probably be going alone,” I say with a smirk at the end.

“You have been asked out loads already. Why haven’t you said yes to any of them?”

“Because they’re all knobs. They don’t really want to be my date, they’re just hoping they will get lucky afterwards. Plus, any that I have tried to hold a conversation with, getting my hopes up too soon only to be dashed when I realised they were dull as dishwater.” She chuckles at my words and throws her head back in mock exacerbation.

“How will you ever find a man at this rate?” she jokes, putting on her best voice to replicate Mum. She nails it as always and I chuckle.

“That’s the problem, I’m not going to meet a man at high school. They’re all immature boys, as far as I’m concerned. I need a real man who knocks me off my feet, who can hold an intelligent conversation, and who knows what he is doing in bed,” I reply and I can feel Tillie rolling her eyes. Sex is the one thing we have always differed about. I am slightly more liberal, having had a couple of sexual encounters that I have instantly regretted afterwards. Whereas, Tillie likes to be in relationships, and she has only done it once with her old boyfriend.

“Well none of us will get a chance to meet a man or go to prom if you don’t speed the fuck up. Mother will kill us, and I would really rather that not happen. I want to be around when you introduce her to this older man you are going to find. She had a hissyfit when I brought home Sean, and his parents were part of her social club. I can only imagine what she will say when you bring home a guy a lot older than you. I’m having visions of her calling the police, shouting words like grooming and abuse. All while I’m laughing in the corner because you probably hit on him first,” she giggles as we both picture that future together. I can’t help but laugh because it’s so accurate. It’s like she knows me so well, and Mum’s actions are almost expected.

Laughing together, I start to feel more confident, and knowing Tillie is right, I start to speed up. We carry on talking about this imaginary future where I piss off mum, and I’m not really taking it seriously, I’m just trying to distract Til and make sure she doesn’t cry any more. We are joking together when Tillie clumsily drops her phone into the footwell and it slides to the front of the car under the glove box. Tillie tries to reach it, but is restricted by the seat belt. Without thinking about it, she unplugs her seat belt and leans down to pick up the phone.

As Tillie sits back up straight, everything feels like it moves in slow motion. I start shouting at her to stop being stupid and to put on her seat belt, flicking between looking at Tillie and looking at the road. We are going along some rural back roads, and they are full of twists and turns. It’s pitch black dark, with only the moonlight and my full beams to guide the way.

It all happens so fast. One minute I’m looking at the road and it’s all clear, then I look at Tillie as she sits back with her phone, I shout at her again to put on her seat belt as I look back out onto the road. Only now the road isn’t clear, there’s a deer in the middle of the road. My brain begins to freak out and I try to think what to do, but everything is moving so slowly in my head compared to the warped speed outside. The car is propelling towards an innocent creature and I’m willing it to get out of the fucking way.

I try to slam my hand on the horn, hoping to scare it out of the way but my movements are off and I miss. I don’t have time to do it again. I do the only thing I can do which is to swerve the car around it. I don’t think about what I might be swerving into, all I can think is that I can’t kill the deer.

As the car rapidly veers to the side, it hits a couple of bumps at the side of the road causing us to curve more and go off road. That’s when the wheels start spinning and I lose control completely. The car swerves off into the ditch at the side before it starts to roll. I hold onto the steering wheel as much as I can, but Tillie has nothing to hold her. I watch as her body bounces between the top and bottom of the car as it rolls before finally stopping when it crashes against a tree.

Pain ricochets around my whole body, my voice hoarse from screaming. I don’t even give a shit about the pain, or the fact I can’t move my legs as they appear to be trapped under the steering wheel. All I can see is the broken, bloody body of my twin crushed against the tree, with pieces of windscreen glass impaling her. I shout for her, wriggling desperately to try and get free. Just so I can touch her to make sure she is okay. The moment I lose consciousness is the moment I lose my sister.

As I finishthe story with tears pouring down my face, I feel my father climb onto the bed next to me. He scoops me into my arms like he used to do when I was a kid, and I cry on his chest. I sob endlessly while he holds me not saying a word, just letting me know he is here for me.

When I finally stop sobbing, he wipes the last few stray tears away and although it hurts, I look at his face. He isn’t angry, disgusted , or even upset, like I was expecting. Instead, he is just sad, and when he speaks his voice is filled with all the love I have been missing this past year. “Abbie, thank you for finally telling me what happened that day. I knew some of it, but not all. But knowing the truth doesn’t change my opinion, it only solidifies it. You were one hundred percent not to blame for your sister’s death. You both made stupid decisions, but that blame is split equally. In fact, I would lay it more on Tillie since you are the one who spoke sense about getting a taxi. The fact you were both intoxicated was bad, but what actually happened was an accident. You weren’t to know that swerving to avoid the deer would result in you hitting a divot that caused the car to roll. The accident investigation officer I spoke to said that ten people could have made that decision and you would have got ten different outcomes. It was just unlucky that ours ended badly. But that is all it was…luck. And actually, you made the right decision in saying that you should drive. When we tested your blood alcohol it was 90 milligrams, which is only ten above the legal limit. Tillie’s blood alcohol was 320 milligrams. Because she drank so soon before the drive, her body hadn’t had a chance to absorb it. They also found no food in her stomach, whereas you did, which helped. It may not change how you feel, Abbie. But in the eyes of the law, and my eyes, this was a terrible accident. I know I have neglected you this year and for that I am terribly sorry, but we are going to work together to help you get better. Is that okay?” he says, and I nod but don’t pull away. I want to keep lying here, hugging my father who I thought I lost a year ago too.

Sadly, it doesn’t take long for our hug to be disrupted. “Finally, you are awake. I told the nurse you were probably just being lazy. Oh for goodness sake, Robert. What are you doing? Get out of that grubby hospital bed will you. People could see,” she squawks. Her fucking annoying voice vibrating around my already sore head. I try to pull away to let my dad get up, but he just pulls me back close again.

“All they will see, Agatha, is a dad holding his only remaining daughter close. There is nothing wrong with having feelings,” he says, only for Mum to scoff at his comment.

“Having feelings is what has got her in this mess to start with. Do you have any idea of the publicity nightmare you have put us through? The story about your pathetic suicide attempt made the front page news, and it squashed all the stories of me at your sisters grave. How selfish can you get?” Her shrill voice is loud and annoying. I want to argue, but I don’t have the effort.

“Enough, Agatha. You will not speak to Abigail again like that. Now, go and get the doctor to check Abbie over. I want to make sure she is up to receiving visitors. There’s a certain small, but loud girl with rainbow coloured hair that has been sitting patiently in the waiting room for the last almost two days now. I think, if you are up for it, Abs, that she would like to come say hi,” my father says, with a smile on his face. Trix. I forgot she was there. I start to reply but Mum interrupts.

“Absolutely not. She will have no visitors until she has been cleared and we can take her home. I don’t want any more scandals,” she says, and my father simply rolls his eyes again.

“Abbie will be staying here for as long as she needs. She needs to talk to specialists, but she also needs her friends. When she is ready to be discharged, she is going to go back and graduate because I believe in her and I know she can do it.” The pride in his voice makes my chest swell.

“You really think I can graduate?” I mumble, but he simply confirms his statement. “Trixie is the one who found me, isn’t she?” I ask.

“Yes, and thanks to her smart thinking, I still have a daughter. She was able to make you vomit and kept you safe while she waited for the ambulance. She may have been terrified, but she is one brave girl. She is also one very sad little girl right now, who is scared for her best friend. I have to admit that when you lost Tillie, you and her were so close, I never thought you would be able to open up and find someone new to be friends with. But you certainly chose well. I approve of your choices,” he states, and I feel like there is something he isn’t saying. Some unsaid meaning behind his words. Knowing my father, all will be revealed with time.

“I didn’t think I would either, but I certainly have found the best friend in her. I think I would like to talk to the psychiatrist for a bit first before talking with Trixie, just because I want to have my thoughts and feelings in order. I said and did some horrible things to her when I was at my lowest. I don’t deserve to have her still standing by my side, yet she is. I owe it to her, and everyone else in my life to sort my shit out.” My father hugs me closer and kisses the top of my head.

When my mother starts to speak, I am preparing for more venom but instead her voice sounds raw and quiet. Almost like it pains her to speak to me like this. “Abbie, I heard your story and although I might not like it, Tillie did make her own choices. But the simple fact remains that you got to live when she didn’t. So you have to live for her. Do not ruin a chance she never got. And do not disgrace our family name any further, I will not warn you again.”

Before I even get a chance to reply she sweeps out of the room, almost like a mirage that never really happened.

“Was that a zombie version of your mother at the beginning?” My dad jokes and we both sit together, grasping hold of each other as we laugh. It may have been a zombie version, but she is still right. Whether I meant for it to happen, or it was an accident, I’m not entirely sure, but what I do know is that attempting to take my own life is selfish. I have so much and so many people to live for. From now on, no matter how consuming the darkness is, I need to learn to live. That’s when I remembered Mike’s advice. I need to learn to dance in the rain.

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