Page 19 of Trust In Me

After that’s all been agreed, we all part ways for the evening. I ask Kellan if he needs any help with Hallie tonight, unsure what I want his answer to be. Part of me would give anything for more time alone with him, but we both know I have an essay due soon that I’ve barely made a start on. He reminds me how important it is that I keep my grades up.

I go towards my room and Kellan goes to his, where he has already laid Hallie to sleep, and we stand in the hallway, ready to say goodnight to each other.

Standing with my back against the wall outside of my bedroom, trying to keep the pout off my face at the fact that he told me to go to my room to do my school work. I’ve never felt so juvenile around him before. Then again, I don’t think the pouting and sulking is helping to change his mind either.

He begins striding towards me before placing his hands flat against the wall, caging me in as he closes the distance between us. His body is mere millimetres away from touching mine, I feel the heat radiating off him, and it warms me. As he leans closer to my ear, his five o’clock shadow brushes against the side of my face and as his breath hits my ear, a shudder rips through my body.

“If you want to come and watch a movie in about an hour or two, after you have done your essay, then my door is always open.” His voice is husky and full of desire.

Fuck, this is a bad idea. What happened to maintaining our distance, and to him just being my boss and friend? Then again, what he’s really offering me is so much more than a lust-filled night of me pining for him. This isn’t the first time he has invited me into his bed. Ever since the night of the nightmare, he has made excuses for me to fall asleep in his bed. Nothing ever happens between us, except he holds me as we sleep. And every night that he holds me, is a night I get to sleep without any nightmares. He makes me feel safe.

“I would love to,” I reply, before casting my gaze away from him. I don’t want to look at him as I ask him the next part. “Isn’t it hard for you?”

He chuckles, his breath hitting my cheek, and the deep rumble of his chest vibrates against mine. As I look up through my hooded lashes, his face is spread into a cocky grin.

“Oh, Flower, it is very hard for me,” he says, grinding his hardness against my stomach for effect.

As soon as his erection touches me, a deep moan escapes my body as all the pent-up sexual tension returns. That is so not what I meant, and he knows it. Fuck, I should really think through what I say when I’m with Kellan. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

I place my hands gently onto his chest and give him a small push. It moves him back by just a couple of centimetres, but that’s enough space for me to breathe a bit of air that isn’t filled with Kellan, and my brain begins to clear of the constant sex fog I seem to be in whenever I’m around him.

“I know it’s not what you meant, but the answer is still yes. It’s excruciatingly painful to lie next to you every night, to hold you in my arms and know I’m not allowed to touch you in all the ways I want. But, I’m also not an idiot. I know you have experienced trauma, and you need time to heal. If I can help you even just a little by holding you all night, then I will put up with blue balls for as long as it is necessary. I care about you, Mia. Probably too much, but that means I have to look after you. Do I think we would have a fucking phenomenal time if we did fuck? Of fucking course we would. It would be mind-blowing. But neither of us is in a position to have a relationship. What we feel is lust, and I’m not prepared to lose a friend, or let Hallie lose her nanny just because my cock is hungry for your tight pussy.” Fuck, it really doesn’t help when I can feel his cock straining through his trousers, desperate to get to me. But it’s true. We are both far too fucking broken to ever make good partners in a relationship. Although, the more I think about having a relationship with Kellan, the more it appeals to me. He would make a good boyfriend; kind, caring, considerate, and don’t even get me started on how hot the sex would be. But he has demons, ones left behind when he was abandoned by his ex. I can’t fight against demons of the past, all I can do is keep showing him that I couldn’t be more different from her, and that I will always be there for him. Maybe then, one day in the future, when we both have our shit together, we can finally give this a chance to see where it goes. But, until then, this is the most we can offer each other. Friendship. And maybe a bit of flirting.

“Well, he will have to settle for spending the night nestled in between my ass cheeks while we sleep. Sadly, that's the most action he will get,” I joke and Kellan’s face blushes red beneath his stubble.

“I think we will enjoy that. Come in whenever you are ready,” he whispers in my ear before beginning to pull away.

Using the hand that was resting on his chest, I quickly fist his t-shirt and pull him back so his body’s flush against mine. Without even thinking about what I’m going to do, I stand up on my tiptoes and press my lips against his. The kiss is firm and demanding, which is very unlike me.

Kellan seems frozen, clearly not expecting me to kiss him, but as soon as my tongue swipes across his lip before tangling with his, it’s like a bolt of electricity wakes him up. His hands that were on the wall, now waste no time sliding over my body, cupping under my ass. I follow his lead and allow him to pick me up easily. He slams my back firmly against the wall as I wrap my legs around his back, his cock rubbing against my fabric-covered clit. But it was more than enough contact to make me moan.

The sound of my moan seems to wake us both up from the lust-filled haze we are both in, and our lips pull apart. His crystal blue eyes gaze into mine, and fuck does my stomach do those little flips and my heart seems to skip a beat. Our breathing is almost synchronised as we pant. The lust-filled silence is deafening, and I have to break it.

“Thanks,” I mumble, which earns me a chuckle from Kellan. One that vibrates through our still connected bodies.

It’s at this point that Kel seems to realise he’s still holding me in his arms, and he slowly lowers me to the ground. “What are you thanking me for? Not that I’m complaining, you can thank me like that anytime you want, Flower,” Kellan jokes, and I playfully smack his bicep.

“For letting me stay with you. We both know it helps with my nightmares. I know I haven’t talked about it, and you haven’t brought it up, but I want you to know that it means a lot, you wanting to look after me.”

He gives me a big, genuine smile, and fuck if it’s not even hotter than the cocky smirk. “Always.”

With that we reluctantly part ways, and the whole time I’m doing my coursework, all I keep thinking about is how long I have until I can go next door and curl up in his arms.

I think it’s safe to say, I like this guy a lot more than I should. I’m so fucking screwed.

Waking up tangled in Mia, her limbs, her hair, and her scent envelops me. I feel warm, but it’s not just from the heat of her body, it’s from her. It’s like she lights up my soul, and it scares the shit out of me. Laying there and watching her chest rise and fall, the urge to touch her, to claim her and make her mine becomes overwhelming. But, we were right when we talked about it last night. We are both far too damaged to ever be capable of having a real relationship, and that’s exactly what she deserves. She deserves flowers, chocolates, and romance with all the bells and whistles on. I’m not that type of guy. She deserves better than me.

My little princess grumbles from the cot attached to my side of the bed. In a routine we have perfected, I slide my arm out from underneath Mia, and quickly grab Hallie before she screams and wakes up the whole house.

As I lay her with her belly against my chest, and she holds her head up to look at me as her hands reach out to grasp at whatever they can reach—my lips, my hair, my arm. As long as she has something fisted in her hands, she is happy. I can’t believe my baby girl, who not so long ago laid on my chest after she had just been born, is now over seven months old. She’s crawling about, eating actual food, or should I say throwing food all around the kitchen with her spoon, before scooping it up and licking it from her fingers. My little girl is growing up and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

Holding her above my head, the same way I watched Mia do the other morning, we pretend Hallie is my little comet and I tell her all about how she flies around the moon before dropping her back down to earth. Then I remind her that I love her to the moon and back. I feel a twinge of sadness in my chest whenever I use that saying, same as when I hear Liam call her his Hallie Bear. My heart breaks for the girl who will have to grow up without a mother.

If someone had told me at the time that none of it was real, I would never have believed them. She called her our little gummy bear. She is the one who kept telling her the entire time that we would love her to the moon and back. I look back now and it all makes much more sense. She spent most of her time teaching me how to be a parent, getting me to bond with her bump, as opposed to doing it herself. I think that was her way of teaching me, getting me ready to be a single dad.

Part of me wants to believe she cared, that she was making sure I would be a good enough dad for Hallie, but her actions speak louder. If she cared she would never—could never—have left.

“Morning, baby girl, aren’t you beautiful this morning,” Mia coos as she rolls over and takes Hallie’s outstretched hand into her own. She grips her tightly, and even as we pretend to fly about in the sky, she never lets go of Mia's hand, which does crazy things in my chest. My heart feels like it’s fluttering, and it’s not a nice feeling—okay, so it’s fucking amazing—but what I mean is, it can’t be good. After that soul-destroying kiss last night, I’m not even ashamed to admit I had to blow my load not once but twice in the shower. There was no way in this world that I would’ve been able to lie next to her the entire night with my cock as hard as he was and not want to ravish her completely. It’s getting harder and harder—pun intended—to be close to her and still have nothing happen between us.

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