Page 35 of Trust In Me

“There’s no fucking way you would give up sex.” Her voice is strained and she tries to laugh at the end, making out she’s joking, but I can see it in her eyes. She means every word, and it hurts. I’d hoped she knew me better than that.

“Mia, for you I would. But I don’t think we will need to. As far as I’m concerned, you are a virgin. Until you have given it up willingly, it’s still there. I plan on being your first, and hopefully your last. I want to show you how to feel, and how to love sex, and I’m willing to wait until the time is right,” I explain, as I pepper little kisses across her jaw and neck. I genuinely mean it when I say I would live my life without sex, as long as I know she’s safe. Obviously, I’d prefer teaching her to enjoy sex.

“Kel, I feel things with you that scare the shit out of me. I trust you in ways I’ve never trusted anyone. The problem is, I don’t trust myself. I know more than most people that my body can betray me, and lie to me. I remember one time when I was around thirteen, I was an expert at sex by that point. Fuck, it hurts me to even say that, but it’s true. I’d done more things sexually at that age than most people experiment in their whole lives. But, I swear to you, I’ve never enjoyed it the way I just did with you. Thirteen was when I started getting periods, and essentially becoming hormonal. That’s when my body began betraying me. My head was repulsed, but if the man knew what he was doing, he could drag an orgasm out of me, even if I didn’t want him to. I stopped listening to my body because it lies.”

Fuck. I have no idea what to say to that, or how to help her. Her eyes look so vacant, they almost appear lost, and she’s staring at me like I might have the answers she craves. “Mia, the sensations I made you feel, did you experience anything like that with them?” I ask, and her eyes snap up to mine.

Shaking her head, she mutters, “No, nothing like that.”

“How were they different?” I ask, hoping that her answers will give us both some direction. It’s not like there’s a handbook to teach me how to deal with this shit.

“I don’t really know. With them, my body clenched a little, like my muscles were coiling without my permission. But with you, I still felt the coiling sensation, but it was so much more. I felt like tingles were spreading all over my skin, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was like this overwhelming sensation of needing more from you, and when you gave it to me I felt like I was falling apart in your arms. Like fireworks exploding in my brain.” I can’t stop the shit-eating grin from spreading across my face, hearing how I affect her.

“Don’t you see how different they are?” I ask, tilting her chin up so that her eyes meet mine. “What you experienced before was probably just your body responding, not even a full orgasm. I gave you your first, and nobody can ever take that from you. I’m not an expert, and I sure as fuck am not a psychologist, but just hearing you describe them, it’s obvious how different they are. I’m not asking for anything from you. We move at your speed with this one, and we can go as slow or as fast as you want. Even if we get caught up in the moment, like we did tonight, all you have to do is tell me to stop and I will, in a heartbeat. No questions asked. Okay?”

She nods her head, and leans down to place a kiss on my lips. I try to hold back, but just like every other time that her lips met mine, it feels as though it activates something primal, deep, within and I can’t help it, I’m desperate for more. I deepen the kiss, our lips bruising as my tongue sweeps across her bottom lip, begging for permission. She opens, and I can’t hold back the groan of pleasure I feel when our tongues meet. She tastes so sweet, and I can’t get enough.

My cock starts to harden underneath her as soon as Mia starts to wiggle around. The beautiful moan I hear is like music to my ears, but I know we need to hold off. We literally just talked about this.

Pulling back, we both gasp for breath, and Mia’s hands claw at the back of my head as she frantically tries to pull me back into the kiss. Fuck, I want to do it. I want it all with this girl, but I have to do it right. Even though it pains me, I pull my hands away from her silky skin, and reach around to grab hers. “Mia, I’m not going anywhere. We have all the time in the world to do this right. I’m going to take you on dates and show you what it means to be cared for. I will kiss you whenever you ask. I will do a whole fucking lot more if you ask me to. But tonight has been a long night, and our emotions are running high. I don’t ever want you to regret anything that happens between us. So, tonight we sleep. Tomorrow we can see how we feel. Okay?”

She smiles the biggest smile I think I’ve ever seen, and with a cheeky glint in her eye she leans down and steals a quick but incredibly sexy kiss. My dick’s screaming at me, telling me what an asshole I am, but I know I’m doing the right thing.

“A date, you say? Now I am intrigued,” she says, biting her bottom lip in a way that makes my cock twitch. Fuck, I may actually die from blue balls if I have to hold off from this girl for too long. Shit, I need to stop thinking with my dick, and start planning a fucking date. It needs to be romantic yet magical. This is not my strong suit. I have no fucking idea what makes a good date, but I know a hopeless romantic who will be able to help me. Well, I’m hoping he holds off on killing me long enough to give me advice. Liam specifically told me not to start anything with Mia, so he probably won’t be happy when I tell him. But, I don’t give a shit. I like this girl and I’m done denying it. So, Liam better get on board quickly because I have no fucking clue how to be romantic.

The next few days pass by so quickly, Kellan and I have got into a routine together. We’d sort of established one before, an unofficial version, but now it’s very much official, and it involves a lot of kissing. We go to bed together every evening, and we wake up together every morning. Then we start our routine of looking after Hallie, and swapping off until the other person is showered and dressed. We move around each other, sharing the responsibilities like we’re a well-oiled machine. Kellan goes to work, or works in his office, while I spend time with Hallie. Sometimes if Liam or Bree is free, they will be there too. Sometimes they take her so I can finish any assignments I have.

I used to do my university work after Hallie went to bed, but that’s proving a lot more difficult now that I spend every evening with Kellan. Sometimes we laze around and watch a film with Liam and Bree, but the majority of the time has been spent in Kellan’s bed. With each night that passes, the more we kiss, the more I want him. I’ve spent my whole life terrified that my body betrayed me, but it didn’t. Yes, I felt things, but I know I couldn’t help it. What I felt back then is merely a fraction of what my body is truly capable of. And each night we've explored together.

His kisses are intoxicating, and every night I push him to give me more, but he refuses. Insisting he wants to show me this is more than just sex for him. Instead, he explores my body, finding all my sweet spots. There’s not an inch of skin his lips haven’t explored, well…except my pussy. He’s learning to play my body the way a musician learns to play an instrument; with patience and practice. And I’m so fucking here for it, but I want more.

Last night, I decided I was done being worshipped—temporarily—and I wanted to take a bit of control. The more Kellan worships my body like I’m the only God he prays to, it gives me confidence. I feel like a queen and now it’s my turn to learn his body. I want to devour, kiss, and inspect every curl of ink that adorns his gorgeous skin. I want to give him the pleasure he shows me. The only way to do that is to experiment.

Kellan was only too willing to give up the control for a little while. I found sweet spots that caused him to groan under my touch, and fuck did that turn me on. Ever since, I can’t stop thinking about how far I want to take things tonight. I want to touch him more, but if I’m being honest, his cock kinda scares me.

The problem is, I was taught how to be a good little cocksucker early on. I know all the tricks of the trade to get a guy going. I learnt how to suppress my gag reflex, and to breathe as and when I can, while allowing the guy to face-fuck me as he desires. I know all that, but I don’t want to just go through the motions with Kellan. I don’t want to use all the techniques I was taught, only for it to result in flashbacks that ruin the moment. I want it to be different with him, but I’m not sure how. I’m worried that as soon as I touch his cock, I’ll turn into the girl they made me. The good little cocksucking whore.

“Mia, are you okay?” Bree asks, as she waves her hand in front of my face.

Looking around I realise I’m standing in front of the coffee pot, that's clearly been ready for a while, but I still haven’t poured my coffee. I obviously got lost in my own head. Frantically, I turn around to find Hallie safely in her high chair where I left her. Admittedly, she is covered in banana, and it’s all over the kitchen, but at least she is happy and safe.

Fuck, I can’t blank out like that while I’m looking after Hallie. My heart races and my palms start to sweat at the thought of all the things that could have happened to her while I’m supposed to be looking after her. After I’ve fully checked her over from head to toe, and helped to wipe all the excess banana off her, I place her back into the high chair and turn to my friend, who thankfully gave me a few minutes to compose myself and made the coffee.

“I’m fine, honestly,” I lie, not entirely sure how to find the correct words to describe what’s really going on.

I think Liam and Bree have worked out there’s something going on between us, but we decided not to tell them officially yet. They’re our best friends, and they only want the best for us, but we don’t want to deal with the pressure of them knowing. They’ll worry about what will happen if our relationship doesn’t work out, and if they’ll have to choose sides. That puts a burden on our relationship, having so much riding on us having to stay together, it’s a lot to deal with so early on. But, the problem with not telling my best friend everything is that when I have freak-outs like this, I don’t have anyone to talk to.

“Look, Mia, we haven’t talked much over the last couple of days, and it kinda feels like you’ve been ignoring me. I know Kellan told you about what happened with Kyle, and I’m sorry if you’re mad at me about that, or feel like I overstepped,” Bree mutters as I gulp down the hot coffee much quicker than I probably should have.

Bree fiddles with her cup as she looks and waits for me to answer. With everything going on, I’d almost forgotten about the horrendous day that started it all. Why she would think I’m mad is baffling as hell, which I tell her. “Why would you say that? I’m not mad at you. I’m so fucking grateful you’ve been able to help, even if it’s just a little. I promise, I’ve just got some other stuff going on.”

“Let me guess. You don’t want to talk about it?” Bree asks, with a small smile, and though her words seem kind, there's a definite element of sarcasm in her tone.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I didn’t really intend on it coming out as snappy as it did, but there was something about the way she spoke just then that caused my hackles to rise.

“I just mean that you are an expert at keeping things to yourself. I know for a long time, you’ve needed to, but now you don’t. I’m supposed to be your best friend, Mia, and you don’t trust me enough to talk to me. I had to find out about that asshole Kyle from Kellan, for fuck’s sake. You trust him more than you do me.” Her voice is strangled, almost like she’s struggling to hold it together. I want to shout, to remind her that she isn’t all that fucking great at communicating either, but the truth is, she’s right. I should’ve trusted her. We aren’t scared little teenagers anymore. Fuck, Bree runs the London criminal underworld, and she’s scarily fucking good at it. I should’ve known she could help me.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I should‘ve known you could help me, but it has fuck all to do with trust. Kellan and I have spent a lot of time talking, learning to trust each other, not for me, but because he needs it. He needs to know he can trust me with Hallie. It makes perfect sense that I would learn to trust him in return. As for Kyle, the only reason Kellan knew first is that he was here when I got the texts. I know you’re a badass now who can help me, but it’s hard to not see us as scared kids trying to learn to be fucking debutants despite not having an inch of class between us.”

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