Page 51 of Trust In Me

Thankfully, Desmond and his wife, Siobhan, and Paddy, and his wife, Clodagh, all agreed to stay in a nearby hotel. They could have fit, at a push, but I think this whole event is stressful enough, without asking Desmond to move in for a bit. He’s too unstable, I have no idea what he is going to do from one minute to the next.

We’ve all been building bridges lately. The girls have started talking to their mother again, Liam has started at least acknowledging Desmond, and we finally feel like we have Finn back. We are even making progress with Evan, and it’s all thanks to Bree. She has an amazing ability to bring people together, and they trust her which means they have no problem standing beside her in a fight. Even Desmond appears to have that approach—or at least he does for now.

“Kellan, for fuck’s sake, we need to leave in half an hour and you aren’t ready,” Liam shouts as he comes barging into my bedroom. I turn to face him with a scowl on my face.

“That’s because your evil goddaughter decided last night that she didn’t need sleep. I was up and down with her almost all night. Then this morning whenever I tried to feed her, she just either refused or threw it all up. I’m starting to worry she might be getting sick. She feels hot to me. Does she feel hot to you?” My words come out in a rush as I hold the gripy baby in my arms out for Liam to feel. He isn’t yet dressed in his suit, otherwise I would try to keep her as far away from it as possible.

Liam places his hand on Hallie’s forehead and his eyebrows furrow with the same concern I know is etched on my face. “She doesn’t feel crazy warm. I'm gonna ask Mia to come have a look at her and do her temperature. She's better at all that stuff than we are. She can bring some medicine if that’s what she needs.”

Before I even start to object, Liam has pulled the phone out of his sweatpants pocket and is dialling. I hear him relay everything I just told him and then he hangs up. “You shouldn’t have called her. She is trying to get ready, and to help Bree get ready. Besides, we are supposed to be splitting the house. Is she even allowed to see us?”

Liam rolls his eyes. “She isn’t the bride, dumbass, and this is an extenuating circumstance. Besides, if she can help get Hallie settled, we may stand just the slightest chance of getting to the wedding on time.”

I start what I’m sure will be a very sarcastic retort, but I’m halted when my bedroom door bursts open and a very concerned-looking Mia flies in. She is wearing a silky pink robe that stops mid-thigh, and the back reads ‘Maid of Honour’ and below it says Mia. She has her hair in big rollers, and it looks like she was halfway through having her make-up applied when she left to come here. One eye looks more spectacular than the other. But I do my best not to comment, she is doing me a favour, after all. But the truth is, even looking completely unready, she still looks absolutely fucking beautiful. That swooping feeling, that I refuse to refer to as butterflies—I’m a grown-ass man, for fuck’s sake, we don’t get butterflies—continues in my stomach, and my heart races. Even like this, my cock is beginning to harden.

“Is she okay?” Mia asks, as she rushes over and sits next to me on the bed, placing her hand on Hallie’s forehead.

“Oh yeah, she does feel a bit hot. Let me grab my thermometer from next door. Liam, we’ve got this. Please, for the love of God, go and get dressed. Also, can you check on your brothers? Ryleigh said she saw them a few minutes ago in the kitchen having some breakfast, they weren’t dressed yet either. Kian says that because our security is run with military precision, being late is not an option if we all want to stay safe,” Mia explains, and as she heads towards the door, Liam charges in front of her, spitting out a bunch of expletives about how unreliable everyone is. He also may have mentioned something about having a heart attack, and that seriously may happen before the end of the day. Liam is quite possibly the most stressed I’ve ever seen him, and I know my job is to help take the burden off, or even just make him feel excited for today, but I can’t do any of that while I’m worried about Hallie.

While it’s just me and Hallie, I carry on rocking her in my arms, whispering and singing to her. It helps to keep her calm when I sing. Ever since she was born I’ve always sang “Mockingbird” to her by Eminem, and while most would argue it’s not the most appropriate song for a baby, she loves it. My beautiful little weirdo laughed for the first time when I was singing about breaking the birdie's neck. Thankfully, it seems to be doing the trick right now, as her eyes begin to droop from the song and the swaying motion. She is fighting it, desperate not to fall asleep, but I know she must be exhausted.

Mia comes rushing in with her children’s ear thermometer. She looks at me for permission, which I instantly give. She should know by now that when it comes to Hallie, she doesn’t need my permission for things, but she still gets it anyway. Mia has more than proved how much Hallie means to her, and despite a rocky start, I know she will always put Hallie’s wellbeing before anything else.

The thermometer beeps and the display screen turns an orange colour. Meaning she has a fever, but it’s not too high. “That’s good, it’s not too high. But I think it’s something we should keep an eye on during the day. If we give her some medicine now, that should help it go down, and she also might sleep through the ceremony then.”

Nodding in confirmation, Mia strolls over to the chest of drawers where I keep all of Hallie’s things, and pulls the medicine and syringe out of the top drawer. After reading the instructions once more, despite us both knowing them off by heart, she draws up the correct amount and holds the syringe out for me to take. “It’s okay, you give her it and I will keep holding her.”

I appreciate her offering to let me administer the medicine. When she first started working as my nanny, I was crazy overprotective of Hallie, and when it came to things like this, I didn’t want her to use her own initiative. I wanted to know if my child was ill. But, the more we’ve worked together, she knows now that I trust her judgement, possibly more than I do my own sometimes. And, even though Hallie doesn’t get ill often, I know Mia only has her best interests at heart.

Stroking my daughter's cheek, Mia gently presses her finger against Hallie’s lower lip, encouraging her to open her mouth. Gently she places the syringe into her mouth and Hallie responds by lapping up the medicine like a little cat would. Mia strokes Hallie’s beautiful curls and pushes them off her forehead. She leans down and presses her lips to her head and my heart stops.

How the fuck am I supposed to not fall in love with a woman who cares for my daughter in this way? If I was a woman, my ovaries would have just exploded. When I became a single dad, I always worried about dating. It was hard enough for me to date before, but finding someone who could not only deal with my shit, but take on my daughter too, I pretty much ruled myself off the eligible bachelor list. Then I met Mia. She cares for me and my daughter, so why can’t I have her?

Acting almost on instinct, given how close we are to each other while she is kissing Hallie, she reaches up and strokes my hair in the same way she did my daughter. Cupping my cheek she gives me a small smile, and she is so close now I can feel her breath on my lips. It wouldn’t take much to lean in, to close the gap between us and press my lips against hers. But I don’t. There have been too many times in her life when men have taken what they want from her without listening to what she wants, I won’t be like them. She has to be the one to move first every time.

“I need to finish getting my make-up done, but Ryleigh is having hers done now. So I have a little time. Why don’t you go shower and get dressed while I look after Hallie?” Mia asks, and the feel of her words against my skin sends shivers down my spine.

Please close the fucking gap and kiss me, I think to myself, being very careful that this isn’t one of those times where I’m supposed to be thinking the words, but in reality they are tumbling out like word vomit. But not this time, thank fuck.

“Are you sure, Flower? Aren’t you supposed to be helping Bree get ready?” I ask, as I reach up and push a stray lock of hair behind her ear. I don’t miss the way her breath hitches when my hand touches her skin. I wonder if she feels the electricity pulsing through her body the way I do?

Her eyes glance down at my mouth, and I know she is watching as my tongue travels around my lips. I’m not trying to be sexual when I lick my lips, but the way she is looking at me is driving me fucking crazy. I don’t miss the way she bites her own lip, no doubt to hold in a groan.

“She’s fine. She only needs to put her dress on, and we won’t be doing that until after all the men have left the house. It’s more important that you all get ready and leave on time. You need to be waiting at the venue to greet people,” Mia explains, and with each word she drives me more crazy.

If I didn’t have a baby in my other arm, I would’ve taken hold of her neck and her hip and pulled her into me, taking the kiss we both know she’s trying not to give. Whatever is holding Mia back, it’s big. I just wish she would talk to me about it. Maybe then we can stop all this bullshit and just be together.

I move slower than I normally would, giving her plenty of time to move away or not consent, whilst still making my intentions perfectly clear. She doesn’t retreat, if anything I think she moves in farther, and it doesn’t take long for our lips to meet. Her soft, supple lips press against mine, and I want to deepen the kiss, to taste her fully, but she has to be the one to change the kiss. She doesn’t, but she doesn’t pull away either, and I savour this moment.

Slowly she pulls back, resting her head on my forehead, and for just a moment she looks really sad. When she speaks it's barely above a whisper, and I struggle to hear her. “I miss you.” It’s like she’s frightened to say the words aloud. Like admitting she misses me brings her pain. When, it’s me that feels like she’s stabbing me in the heart.

If she misses me, why can’t we be together?

She pulls back, staring at me, and I realise I just said what I was thinking. Fucking hell, I really need to learn not to do that.

“Kellan…please don’t ask me that. Being apart from you physically hurts, but one day you will trust that I’ve done the right thing. No matter how much we both want to be together, we can’t be. So, please, I’m asking you to be strong during the times when I’m not. I’m asking that you be strong and remind me of this moment, when I’m being weak and wanting you,” Mia begs, as she places her hand on my cheek.

Shaking my head in confusion, I try to hold back the annoyance I feel at that statement. “Please don’t ask me to do that. The times you are weak, they are the only times I get to be happy. Just for a short space of time, I get to live the life I want, with the woman I am falling for. Don’t ask me to take that away. If you have to do it, then that is all on you. But don’t ask me to walk away from you, because I can’t.”

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