Page 8 of Trust In Me

“I wouldn’t say it's a problem. This is a regular occurrence at the moment sadly. She just hates sleep, or me, I haven’t decided which yet. Once I get her down, she wakes up a couple of hours later for food, and we go through it all again. The health visitor I saw said she’s going through a growth spurt, and this type of behaviour is very normal. But, she isn’t the one getting around three hours of sleep a day.” I can’t help but giggle as his ramble continues. I love the fact that he was so worried he asked a health visitor for help. He strikes me as the type of guy who isn’t big on admitting when he’s struggling, or asking for help of any kind.

“Why don’t you let me have a cuddle for five minutes while you order us some food? We can even put a child-friendly movie on, if you like?” I ask and his eyes go wide as saucers.

“For the love of God, no more cartoons. These bloody films are driving me crazy. I’m also not convinced those movies give off good messages, but since she’s only seven months old, I’m choosing to let it pass. Well…when I say choosing, I don’t really have a choice. When you find something that makes the screaming stop, you do what needs to be done. When she was a baby, like a tiny newborn, I couldn’t get her to sleep then either. The only time she ever stopped screaming enough to consider sleeping is when the Hoover was on. Once I discovered her love of the Hoover, I kept it plugged in and switched on for hours at a time, all while I desperately grabbed a bit of sleep.”

As I sit down on the couch, he walks towards me, and I realise he’s actually going to do what I suggested. He gets her settled in my arms and breathes a sigh of relief when she doesn’t start screaming. So, I continue our conversation. “There’s a lot of research to show that babies like white noise because it reminds them of the sounds they hear in the womb. But I think it’s more of a comfort to them. Like just now when you were singing. Hallie was looking at you like you’re a rock star, and I’ve only ever seen her do that with her uncle Liam.” I try not to sound overly technical, but I do also want to impress him a little. We never got a chance to have a real job interview, so he doesn’t know I have a lot of experience in this field. If I had the money, I’d have gone to college full-time, and would have already graduated. But, as it is, I’m doing a part-time online course and should hopefully be able to finish next year. I’ve worked hard and gone through the course quicker than I needed to. The only thing outstanding is the placement experience hours that I need to qualify, and my final dissertation.

“Ha, you must have caught her during a moment of gassiness. She only looks at me lovingly when she wants food, or when she knows she’s doing something she shouldn’t. She is so close to being able to pull herself up now. It won’t be long until she’s walking. She’s growing up way too fast, and I feel like I’m barely holding on,” Kellan groans, as he flops onto the sofa beside us. He’s sitting so close, I can feel the heat from his arm next to mine. “So, what do you want?”

My eyes fly to his, and I could get lost in the bright, crystal blue eyes that he currently has aimed at me. I expect to see the cocky smile I’m becoming used to, but his smile is just normal. Like he didn’t just ask me a loaded question. “Erm…yeah, but…” My voice trails off as my brain struggles to think of the correct words. WhatdoI want?

My brain feels like a scattering of thoughts, as each possibility flicks through my mind. I want him to kiss me like he did the day at the warehouse. I want him to do unspeakable things to my body, when I’m ready for that. I want him to get to know the real me and forget about the past. But, mostly, I want to feel his warmth as he cuddles up beside me, to fall asleep on his chest, and have him hold me. I want it all, and I know I can’t have it. Even though that thought annoys me, the bit that really shocks me is how strongly I feel about Kellan. I didn’t think I was capable of liking a guy, or having these types of yearning. I thought they were long gone, scared away by the ghosts of my past.

Kellan’s chuckle pulls me out of my thoughts, and as Hallie replicates her daddy’s laugh, I can’t help but join in. “Relax, Flower. I meant what do you want to eat, so I know what type of food to order. Chinese? Pizza? Indian? Italian?” he asks, scrolling through his phone, and what I’m guessing is a food delivery website, as he reads out all the options.

Well, that could have been a whole lot more embarrassing than I thought. Thank fuck I didn’t actually answer him out loud like I was contemplating doing. I do my best to cover it up, making it sound like I was umming and ahhing about the food choices, rather than how much of my soul I was about to bare to this guy. “I’m fairly easy-going, what do you want?”

With his signature cocky smirk, he replies in that gravelly tone that sets my insides alight. “Good to know that you are…easy.”

Seriously, if I’d been taking a drink, I would’ve spluttered it everywhere. Instead, I settle for choking on my own saliva, or maybe it’s just thin air. Either way, I’m coughing and spluttering, all whilst trying to make sure I don’t disturb the baby in my arms, and that I cover my mouth with my free arm. Kellan’s laugh fills the room, and I really fucking want to hurt him right now.

“God…you are the worst. Is there ever a time you don’t flirt?” I cough and splutter at the end, my body only just getting used to breathing normally again. Hallie starts to grumble, presumably annoyed at being shaken whilst in my arms, and I’m worried she’s seconds away from crying. Well, that is until the cutest little laugh erupts from her body.

“Oh my God…is she laughing? She never laughs at me. Only Liam has ever been able to get her to laugh, and I’ve never seen it so I keep telling myself it’s gas, or that he’s messing with me. But that was a real honest to God laugh, wasn’t it?” he enquires, as he leans forward and starts to tickle Hallie’s tummy, which earns him some more laughs. The smile on his face is blinding. I’ve never seen him look so happy, and I’m glad I got to be a small part of it.

“Yeah, it’s definitely a laugh. I know you have been freaking out about Hallie hitting milestones at the right times, and things like that, but you really don’t need to worry. Hallie will do it in her own time.” I lay my hand on the top of his. It’s supposed to be for reassurance, but as soon as my skin touches his, it’s like I’m electrocuted. A strong current heats its way up the nerves in my arm. It burns as it goes, until finally settling in my core. Fuck, this guy must have magical powers that directly link to my most intimate places.

“I know, that’s what the health visitor said. There’s definitely some areas where she’s more advanced, but there’s also some areas that I know she should be excelling in and she isn’t. I just worry, given her history, how broken she really could be.” His voice breaks as I think he’s just confessed something that’s been worrying him for a long time. I don’t want to pry, or make him feel like he has to tell me anything. But at the same time, I want him to know he can talk to me.

How fucking ironic is that? I’m desperate for him to open up and talk to me so I can learn more about him, yet that’s the one thing I told him was off-limits for me. How can I ask him to do something I’m not willing to do?

“Look at this beautiful little girl, there’s no way in hell she’s broken. What would make you think that? You know you can talk to me, and it will remain just between us. You will always have my word on that.” I try to make it seem like I’m not desperate for any morsel of information that he’s willing to throw my way. Given the way his face, that was so beautifully happy just a second ago, is now contorted with anguish, I want him to talk not just for me, but because it looks like he needs to.

“Thanks, that means a lot. Let’s get some food ordered, get this bottle in her, and then we can talk.” His face wears the briefest of smiles that doesn’t even reach his eyes.

I watch as he tests the bottle on his forearm before handing it over to me. As I place it into Hallie’s mouth, she begins to suck as though she hasn’t been fed in ages. I know Kellan probably gave her a bottle about an hour ago, when he was trying to get her ready for bed. This is another last-ditch attempt to get her to fall asleep.

“Okay, so shall we go with a pizza or Chinese? Those are the two I’m feeling most, but you can overrule me if you like,” I say, a slight blush spreading to my cheeks. I know he sees it because he looks confused as to why I would be blushing over something as trivial as this. But, the truth is, I’m not used to being the one making the first move, or making decisions. All my life I’ve had people choose for me. Ever since I left my family and became independent, as soon as I’m with another person, that indoctrination kicks in. I tell myself the other person knows what’s best for me, just like I was always told. But with Kellan, I don’t think that, and more importantly, I know he doesn’t think that. He always asks for my opinion, or gives me choices. He’s never forced me into anything.

“I like both, but let’s go with pizza. What’s your topping of choice?” he asks, as he pulls out his phone and begins scrolling through, no doubt bringing the menu up on his phone. But I don’t need a menu where pizza is concerned.

“Well, I’m pretty easy-going and like most toppings, but I love garlic bread with cheese. Maybe we could share a pizza and a garlic bread with cheese? I can eat a fair bit, but there’s no way I can eat a whole pizza by myself and then some garlic bread.” Kellan laughs at my words, and I look over at him to see what he finds so funny.

“Flower, you are so small, you’re almost see-through. When you say you can eat a fair bit, I think that's an overstatement.”

I sit with my mouth open, not quite believing what I’m hearing. Is he really body shaming me for being too thin? “Are you kidding me? Why is the fact that I’m petite such a problem?”

Kellan looks shocked and holds his hands up, like he’s telling me he’s not a threat. I know my body’s ugly. I’m very aware I have no curves and am painfully thin, but I’m working on it. I’ve been trying to eat and put on weight for the last few months, desperately chasing the womanly figure with curves that every girl dreams about. But, I was never allowed to look like that. I needed to look as young as I could, for as long as possible. As a result, puberty never quite hit me properly. Causing me to loathe my body so much more. I just never thought Kellan, of all people, would shame me about it.

“No, I think what I said came out the wrong way. What I mean is you are very thin…not that there’s anything wrong with that, though. It’s just, when someone says they eat a lot, I imagine them not being as thin as you. I realise now that talking about a girl’s weight is a minefield of a subject, and I in no way wanted to offend you. But, I’m not going to lie. You are petite. You have a beautiful, yet small, body. Not that you need my opinion, but if I’m giving you it, I think you would look a lot healthier if you were to put on a little more weight. That is all I meant by it. I wasn’t meaning to offend or hurt you,” Kellan stutters, and it looks like he is going to continue with his mumbling, probably until he thinks I understand him. I get what he’s saying, and I agree with him, it’s just hard hearing it from another person. Particularly someone who I desperately want to like my body.

“I understand. I know I don’t talk about my past, but the one thing you should know is that I didn’t have a good childhood. I wasn’t raised well. I suffered a lot, in ways you can’t even imagine. I’m as thin as I am because I had to be, not because I ever wanted to be. I’m trying to put weight on, to grow some curves. I want my body to be desirable. But habits you’ve had drilled into you your whole life are hard to get past.” I look down at Hallie the whole time I talk, grateful I have something keeping my hands occupied while I talk about things I’ve stayed silent about my whole life. Not even Bree knows. I told her a little after the disastrous interview, and elements of my life were exposed, but she doesn’t know any of the main stuff, not the full extent.

“Mia, you are beautiful just the way you are, and nobody should ever tell you how your body should look. But, ifyouwant to be more curvy, then make that decision for you. If you need someone to eat junk food with, I’m your guy. Now I have a daughter, I need to work on my dad bod anyway. Apparently women prefer single dads with a bit of meat, rather than abs. Who knew?” Kellan laughs, and I can’t help but laugh along with him.

“Whoever told you that is lying. Women love abs, and that V. That’s the money-maker right there,” I joke, and although Kellan is smiling, I can see a sadness in his eyes. I wait for him to speak, begging him with my eyes, but when he doesn’t, I decide to ask, “What is it?”

“This conversation just got me thinking. I’m not really sure I even want a girlfriend, or am capable of being in a relationship. Even if I decide I do want to, it won’t be for a hell of a long time. Hallie will always come first. It was hard for me to see myself as a catch before Hallie was born, but now it will be even harder. I have so much frickin’ baggage, nobody is going to want to get anywhere near.”

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