Page 11 of Feels Like Home

I think about how I just can’t seem to get out of this damn funk I’m in and how Christine told me to choose happiness but for the life of me, I just can’t seem to doit.

The other day the boys left their wet towels on the carpet in their room, and Icompletelylost it. Couldn’t even controlmyself.

One day they didn’t get the dishwasher unloaded before I got home from work and by my reaction, you would have thought they had been caught smuggling drugs atschool.

It’s not just the things that the boys — typical teenagers — are doing or not doing, though. It’s when the guys at work look at me with pity in their eyes or someone on my team asks me a question about something they should have known easily; I don’t handle anything well. My entire demeanor isshit.

I feel like I’m a live wire. My entire world has just imploded, and I can’t think where to gonext.

I never expected to be a single parent, raising the boys on myown.

And even worse, the resentment that’s building over knowing that I was stupid enough to stay with her long after I suspected something was happening is becomingdangerous.

“Dad.” Reece’s voice interrupts what was brewing up to be another anger-filled rant. “It’s a phone, Dad.” His small reminder of what’s truly important in life jars me back toreality.

And considering that we’ve had a hell of a go atlifeover the past few months, he makes an incredibly validpoint.

“I’msorry.”

“What?” the boys ask in unison. They don’t even try to hide the shock on their faces or confusion on theirvoices.

“I’ve been a shitty father. I know. You boys? You’re everything to me. I’m sorry for letting my anger and frustration lately show and filter to you guys. You don’t deserve that, and I know it. I promise. Right now? It ends. I’m going to do what I have to do to get through it,okay?”

“You haven’t been a sh… bad father, Dad. Just…” Aidan looks to Reece who nods his head like he’s encouraging him to say what they’ve both been thinking for a long time now. “…your temper is getting bad. It’s hard to livewith.”

I close my eyes briefly and drop my head before I look at their faces, both so broken and upset by walking on eggshells lately. “I know. It’s not right. I’m not pissed at you guys. I promise. You boys? You’re incredible, and I couldn’t ask for betterkids.”

“Why are you so mad all the time,then?”

If that isn’t a kick to the nuts. I knew I hadn’t been hiding my irritation well, but to actually hear it come out of my son’s mouth? Well, that’s a big awakening. I take a deep breath and give them my real. Because they deserve it more thananyone.

“Because I hate this. I hate that you question why you’re stuck with just a dad. I hate that your mom hasn’t called you. I hate that you turned fourteen and she missed it. I hate that you wonder anything about how amazing and awesome you both are and how blessed I am to haveyou.”

They both blink at me, and I realize they need to hear it all. “Boys, I hate that I saw your mom was unhappy and I didn’t step in sooner and help her sort it out. Ireallyhate that your mom couldn’t get over her own crap and realize that you’re worth it all. You two are so amazing. The best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn’t trade a single moment of your lives for anything because you two are the only good Ihave.”

And that’s the moment where I see the boys break. Whatever they’ve been holding onto, crumbles before my eyes as both boys break down into tears. Crying, wondering why they’re not good enough. Voicing the worries and concerns I was afraid were plaguing them the entiretime.

And the only thing I cando?

Is sit on the floor right along with them and holdthem.

Letting their tears fall and their own anger winout.

5

Christine

Ever since Andy walkedinto Dreamin’Beans the day he found Heather with another man in their bed, I’ve not been able to get him out of my head. The anger I could almost feel coming off him in waves. The dejection and sadness was so palpable, I knew I had to give him a glimpse of my story. Help him know that he’s notalone.

We haven’t spent any time alone, but we have seen each other quite abit.

At the high school footballgames.

Chatting briefly when he’s come in to getcoffee.

Soon after he left Heather, he stayed with Barrett and Tess for a week before finding a place morepermanent.

I know he went over to their house forThanksgiving.

---