Page 117 of Feels Like Home

My future is sitting inside thishouse.

Not being with her, my heart is torn topieces.

She doesn’t deserve the words I spewed ather.

She doesn’t deserve the doubt Ishowed.

I don’t deserve to still be torn apart by Heather’s viciouslies.

It’s not fair to either of us. Or theboys.

Gaining the courage, I raise my hand toknock.

Planning to beg her to tell me that she’ll forgiveme.

That she understands my head is screwed up and I’m blindly walking throughthis.

Just as my fist readies, the lights go out. Of the house and myheart.

I lower my hand, wondering if I should knock anyway, or if I should let itgo.

Pissed at myself for losing courage so quickly. For doubtingmyself.

Punking out, I hang my head and sit down on the top step of theporch.

“Dammit,” I whisper into thewind.

Resting my elbows on my knees, I scrub my hands through my hair and link my fingers on the back of myhead.

My throat closes up as I anxiously try to take in abreath.

Once.

Twice.

Threetimes.

What am I going to do? Life shouldn’t be this complicated. Right now, it feels like an episode of JerrySpringer.

So, tell me, Andy, what brings you heretoday?

Well, gee, Jerry. See, my wife cheated on me, left me and our boys without a glance backward, which didn’t piss me off nearly as much as when I found out my pregnant-with-my-child girlfriend’s dead husband had an affair with my ex-wife years ago but had known for years that it had happened and never toldme.

Why was I so hung up on the fact that she kept that fromme?

Why did it feel like abetrayal?

Why did I have to be such an asshole to her when she did tell me? Rather than just listen to her and try to figure out how to moveforward.

Did I really want to live this way? To find a way to live without Christine in my bed, in my life as nothing more than just the mother to my child? I decided I didn’t want to yesterday, but why am I still dragging myfeet?

The answer to every single one of thosequestions?

Hellno.

The decision I made when I discovered she knew about Heather’s indiscretions years ago as well as the accusations I placed on her that she could have possibly planned this entire relationship and pregnancy snakes its way through my veins, turning them hot then ice cold. Recognition of my mistake takes over, and I know I messed uproyally.

But I also know she deserves more than me just coming by in the middle of the night, begging for herforgiveness.

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