Page 14 of Feels Like Home

“I’m… okay. And you’re far from a bad friend, Andy. We both had our own junk going on when thathappened.”

“Still, I should have called, orsomething.”

“Please. No guilt, okay? Not worth it. I didn’t think a thing of it. We’re good. Bri’s moved on, and she and Grady are finally dating and happy. Dawson hasn’t even so much as looked in her direction, either. I think Grady made his point.” I laughlowly.

“I bet he did,” Andymurmurs.

Once again, we settle into the silence. The warmth of his pickup cab wrapping around me. I snuggle into the seat and sigh. Not out of annoyance but out ofcontentment.

“Does it still botheryou?”

His voice is so low, so quiet, I almost don’t hear him. If I hadn’t been so attuned to his presence next to me, I probably would have missed it. He doesn’t specify what he’s talking about, but it doesn’t matter. Iunderstand.

“Him stepping out, youmean?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think I’ll evernotbe bothered by it. Right when it happened, it almost got swallowed up by our new life. Doctor visits. Chemo. Radiation. Knowing that no matter how hard he fought, the end would still be the same. I didn’t allow myself time to really digest the fact that he had sex with another woman. Didn’t really feel the sting of hisbetrayal.”

He scoffs. “Betrayal.”

I nod my head. “It’s hard, you know? Not knowing what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in on them. If it would have continued or been a one-time thing. Of course, he assured me over and over again that it was a stupid mistake — which, obviously…” I breathe out a laugh and roll myeyes.

“Well I guess there’s a bright and dark side toeverything.”

“There really is. It’s part of why I had such a hard time opening Dreamin’ Beans. It was guilt money. You know? Or, that’s how I looked at it. It was just hard to take, but when I got to thinking about it, I thought, well hell yeah, I’ll take it. I mean, I deserved it. Bri deserved to have some sort oflegacy.”

He thinks for a moment on everything I just toldhim.

I like that he’s not yelling in my defense or getting angry. He’s justlistening.

“When Heather cheated, I couldn’t see any future where I wasn’t riddled with hurt and anger. Honestly, I thought I would die a bitter and pissed off old man, yelling at kids from my front porch and stabbing people with my cane,” he tells me grinning, and I laugh lowly. “But soon I started to realize that life is a bitch. We were never guaranteed this life here to be easy. And as much as I would like to blame her, be pissed forever, keep my boys from her, it’s just not in me. The bitterness has been taking over my life, Christine. Just like you said it would, and I realized that it was hurting me more than her. And the boys. I was becoming an ass to livewith.”

“Andy… no. That’s nottrue.”

“Oh, it is,” he says, nodding his head and scrubbing a hand down his face. “The boys even asked me why I was always so mad, and the guys at work? They’re on pins and needles aroundme.”

“You’ve been through a lot.” I nod myunderstanding.

He leans his head back against the headrest and taps his thumb on the center console of his pickup. “It’s not easy to move on though, isit?”

I slide my feet out of my dark brown Uggs and tuck one leg under the other, turning to face him. The side of my head rests against the back of the seat, and I keep my voice quiet. “No, it is definitelynot.”

“But when you do, man it’s like the most freeing thing in the world. To be rid of that anger, that hurt, and…her.”

I swallow and roll my lips together before asking, “So if she came crawlingback?”

There’s no hesitation in his answer. “I have no desire. I mean, what’s that teaching my boys? I know forgiveness and all that… blah blah blah… but honestly? Is that only teaching them that it’s totally okay to screw over the ones you love most and just beg for forgiveness later? It’s like that old crappy saying, I’d rather ask forgiveness than permission. What kind of bullshit is that? It’s awful, the worst saying in the world. Yet that’s what we seem to live by because, yeah, we need to forgive. I get that. I’ve forgiven. Or, almost, anyway.” He smirks before continuing. “I’ve moved on. I’ve not forgotten, and I never will. I also know that I deserve more than that. I deserve a wife who’s willing to give me exactly what I’m willing to give her. Everything. It just is what it is, youknow?”

“And the boys? How do they feel about everything that’s happening? Do you think they want her backhome?”

“Oh, they would probably kick my ass if I even dreamed of taking her back. I hate that for them. In the beginning, she was a good mom. I’d never deny that. For a few years, anyway. She turned, though. Nothing was ever enough for her. She felt stuck and in feeling that, she hurt myboys.”

The words he just quietly admitted have me gasping. “Wait. Theyknew?”

He winces slightly then lifts one shoulder and drops it. “She wasn’t good at hiding her discontent. It wasn’t lost on them that they were more of a burden than a blessing toher.”

“Oh,Andy…”

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