Page 15 of Feels Like Home

“She dug that hole, and I’m not throwing the dirt on her or anything, but she’s gonna need to be the one who picks up that shovel or builds the ladder to get herself out of it. They deserve a mom who’s willing to throw everything in to get them back and right now, she’s just simply not doing thework.

“I don’t know — maybe she doesn’t give a shit. But if she doesn’t, then I want her gone. Even more than she is already. She left without even looking back. We’ll see what she says when we meet for the divorceproceedings.”

My head jerks up at his mention of divorce and he notices. “Yeah, my lawyer is drawing up the papers now. She hasn’t come around, Christine. She hasn’t called. Doesn’t seem to even give a shit. Who does that? They turned fourteen and not even a text was sent to either of them. It blows my mind. She lost her right and, as shitty as it sounds, we’ve been better off. Even with my anger that can’t seem to dim, the boys seem happier without her. Still sucks,though.”

“I hate to break it to you, but it’s gonna suck for a while. Thoseboys—“

“Need a woman in their lives who is going to teach them the things their dad can’t,” he finishes for me. “Every boy needs a mama. Just like Bri needed to have that fatherly figure, and thank God for Barrett,right?”

I smile at the thought of how much the Ryan men have meant to us, what they’ve done in our lives. “Oh man. Right? He’s been so good for her, and having Grady and Cole around is amazing. Obviously, Grady’s role is a tad different.” We both laugh, knowing that Grady and Bri were friends for many years before recently bridging the gap into a relationship. “We’ve made it fine. That’s not to say she doesn’t still and won’t always miss her dad. No one can replace one’s parent, you know? But, I think in some cases, that’s not anoption.”

He turns in his seat, facing me. My head rolls to the side, looking back at him. It’s a position we find ourselves in often, I’m noticing. It feels intimate, especially with the soft looks he gives me. When he finally speaks, his voice is filled with compassion and curiosity, not pity. “Do you ever think about what would have happened if he hadn’t gottensick?”

I press my lips together and close my eyes briefly, remembering the nights I lay awake thinking that exact same thing. Sometimes crying myself to sleep. Sometimes angrily stomping through the house cleaning on a rampage. “I used to. I don’tanymore.”

“Why?”

“The only thing I have keeping me from going there is knowing that whatever he had with her was over before it really got started. At least on his end. He had made it clear to her that he wanted to cut ties. I know it makes me sound weak or gullible, but I believed him when he told me that it meant nothing to him. And I don’t want to wonder if it would have happened if he hadn’t been worried about the diagnosis he had justreceived.”

“Doesn’t make you sound weak. You trusted your instincts. Still, though, that’s rough,” hemumbles.

I shrug my shoulders but can’t deny that. “No rougher than walking in on him with someone. Or her, in yourcase.”

“That did suck, gotta admit.” He grins and shakes his head. “Dunno. I’m glad I did. The image is burned into my head, so that part sucks, but seeing is definitely believing, I’ll just say that. I was living too much in denial until I sawit.”

“No one blames you for that, though. And you shouldn’t blame yourself. You were living that way because you cared about your boys. I had a lot of denial afterward, too. I was so worried about Bri finding out and threw myself into caring for him during his illness. There’s not an instruction manual on how to handle it, Andy. The boys are happy and adjusting well, from what Iunderstand.”

He nods in agreement and rests his head on the headrest, mimicking myposture.

For long moments, we sit in silence before he reaches over the center console and wraps his hand around mine, the only sound in the cab of the pickup our breathing. Our fingers naturally link together, and he stares at them resting on his console for a moment before lifting his eyes to me. “Can I ask whatchanged?”

“What do you mean?” he asks me, eyes bunchingup.

“You said that you decided not to let the bitterness takeover.”

The way he looks at me, like he’s examining me, taking everything in, almost makes me squirm in my seat. He bites his bottom lip, and I see the white of histeeth.

“You really wannaknow?”

My heart rate picks up at the way he’s looking at me. The way his thumb is brushing across the top of my hand. I bite my lip, and his eyes drift to my mouth. “Ido.”

“You.”

I take a deep breath, letting that simple statement wash over me. “Me?” My voice is barely above awhisper.

“You,” he repeats quietly. “When I walked into Dreamin’ Beans that night, you told me to be happy. And every time I’m around you, I feel this lightness. When the boys asked me the other night why I was so short with them, I realized that I was letting her win. She doesn’t deserve it. And my boys definitely don’t deserveit.”

He releases a shuddering breath and squeezes my fingers. I try not to wince at thepressure.

“Andy…” I try to keep pity from my voice, but everything about this is breaking myheart.

The fact that he feels so lost, like a failure to hisboys.

“I’m fine, sweetheart. It’s just… the holidays and everything. I guess life is catching up to me. Too much time on my hands to think when we’re in our slower season at work, too. I’m sorry for dumping this onyou.”

I try not to dwell on the fact that he called me sweetheart. “Don’t be. I’m glad you stopped intonight.”

“Me, too.” He pauses then smiles at me, seeming to snap out of his sullen manner. “So, how long do you think Carly plans to leave James in the friendzone?”

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