Page 42 of Feels Like Home

“Get on with it,Mom,” Aidan bites out, his eyes filling with tears that I know will only build on hisanger.

“Boys…” She sniffles and reaches out to them. Neither leans forward to grasp her hand. She winces, apparently realizing they aren’t going to let her touch them, and slumps lower in her seat. “It’s not… I’m so sorry,” shewhispers.

“Sorry for what, Mom?” Reece says, not hiding the fact that he’s crying. “Why are you sorry? Why aren’t we good enough? Why did you leave? Why are you leavingagain?”

“I wish I had the words, I trulydo.”

“Just go,” Aidan doesn’t even look her in theeye.

“Aidan.”

“What? What do you want me to say? That I want you to stay? Why would I want you to stay if you don’t wantus?”

“Ido!”

“No, you don’t. You don’t care. You neverdid.”

“I care. I love you boys somuch.”

“Apparently love isn’t what I thought it was, then.” Aidan’s words are well beyond his fourteen years and break my heart even further. The thought that this is what they think, that this is what love is, pisses meoff.

“Boys, Ijust—”

“Your mom doesn’t love me anymore.” I blow out a breath and look over at the woman who I once thought would be my forever. Her eyes plead with me to save her. Just like I always did. But I’m done. I’ve done the best I can do, the best that I can even think of in light of this messed upsituation.

“So, you just don’t love Dad anymore? How does that happen? And why leave us all? We have friends whose parents are divorced, and their moms didn’t just leavecompletely.”

“Because…” She looks at me again, but I have no words to help her anymore. This is on her. “Because I’m not goodenough.”

“Whatever, you just don’t want us!” Aidan cries out and stands up from his chair, knocking it over in the process. He points to her. “You’re just a coward! A big baby selfish coward who cares more about herself than anyone else! You don’t want us? Well, we don’t want you, either! You’ve been gone for months, and we didn’t miss you. Not a minute, right, Reece?” He turns to look at his brother then shifts back to his mom. “Not a minute. Because guess what. You can’t miss someone who doesn’t care about you! So leave. Go away with your jerk of aboyfriend.”

She reaches for him, and her cries have turned tosobs.

“He’s right.” Reece nods his head and stands up, putting his arm around Aidan’s shoulders. “We didn’t miss you. Just leave and get it over with. And you were right, too. Youaren’tgood enough. You’re nothing like amother.”

I stand up, not being able to take another minute of it, and move next to myboys.

“Heather. You need to be honest. Tell the boys what you toldme.”

She opens her mouth and a squeak escapesher.

“Heather,” I repeat, my voicestern.

I watch as she looks down at her lap and slowly stands up, swiping the tissue under her eyes before raising her gaze to the boys. She briefly looks to me then shifts her attention to them. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice is quiet. “I’m so, so sorry. I wish I had better words for you. I wish I could be what you need. What you deserve. It’s not you — you need to know that, okay? I do love you. That is not why I’m leaving. I’m just simply not good enough. I’m not cut out to be the mother you need. The motheranyoneneeds.”

“Heather,” Iwarn.

“Um. So. Yourdad…”

“Heather,” I warn again. “Do not put this onme.”

“I’m-taking-the-cabin,” she says fast, the words runtogether.

“What?” Reece asks, his voice low andangry.

“I don’t understand,” Aidan says, a moment of sadness escapinghim.

“I know. I know youdon’t.”

---