Page 101 of Gone for You

Awareness hits me in the chest and I say, “It’s cheating.”

“It is.”

“I thought it was you and dad both?”

“He was doing me a favor. He didn’t want you to blame me.”

“Well I blamed you both!” I stand up and pace around the room, hands on my hips.

“How many?”

“I don’t know.” She cringes at her admission. “I… I was in a vacuum for a long while, and no one could pull me out of it. I was sucked into a life I had no desire to leave. And when your father decided he didn’t want to be in it with me, I made a choice. Not one I’m proud of, mind you. But it was my decision. Your father tried to pull me out of it, he did his best to open my eyes. Bring me back to reality.”

“Is that what you were always arguing about?”

“It is.”

“I wouldn’t listen. I was happy living my double life. But, rightfully, he wasn’t. I messed up,” she pauses, wipes away the tears leaking from her eyes and points to herself. “Me. I broke our marriage because I thought the grass would be greener on the other side.”

None of this makes any sense. Before Owen left for college, I don’t remember them having problems. They were affectionate – not overly so, but they didn’t hide their love for each other. But for them to go from one extreme and swing to the other side, pun intended, where Mom landed and stayed for months? It just doesn’t make sense.

“What do you mean, that you thought the grass would be greener on the other side?”

“I let the words of our friends get into my head. I listened to what they were saying, not what they weren’t.”

“Mom, I’ve had a lot of wine and cookies and would like it if you spoke in English.”

“They warned us about the lifestyle. That it wasn’t for everyone. But all I could see was how happy they were. How sexually satisfied. How he couldn’t keep his hands off her, that he always had his fingers wrapped around her thigh or kissing her cheek or lips, letting his hand drift over her butt. I was jealous. And I wanted it.”

I stop my pacing, bend over at the waist. It’s a lot to take in, and I don’t know how to handle it.

I bite my lip and wipe away the tears that are also streaming down my face, the ones I didn’t even feel until she stopped talking. Anger bubbles inside of me and I pause, looking out the sliding glass door that leads to my small deck that overlooks the courtyard. I lean a shoulder against it, cross my arms.

“Olivia? Say something.”

I spin around, mad that she won’t give me the time I need to comprehend everything she’s just dropped on me. “Do you know what kind of shit this brought upon my life? The relationships I’ve fucked up or fear I’ve felt over giving in to what was actually real? I’ve lied to myself more than I care to admit, all because Ithoughtmy parents cheated on each other and spooked the hell out of me. I thought you two were happy and loved each other and it rocked me to my core when I found out I was wrong all those years!” I’m shouting and crying and breathing hard. Mom’s crying and wiping her eyes and looks like she’s about to break in two.

Well, guess what, mommy dearest. That makes two of us.

“How could you do this to Owen and me?”

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“Yeah you were — you were thinking with your hoo-ha.”

“You’re right. I was. Like I said, I was selfish and I have no excuse for it.”

“You’re damn right you don’t.”

We stare at each other. I don’t look like her and after finding out this? I’m beginning to think we have nothing in common. Maybe I’m not even hers.

That’s a stretch, even in my current state of mind, I know it.

“Why tell me now?”

Mom moves to stand in front of me. I know she wants to hug me. Wrap her arms around me and make it better. But she can’t. Not now.

“You’re letting the best thing that ever happened to you slip through your fingers. I know why Ethan pushed you away, Olivia. Lily told me what happened with his mom. Don’t be angry with her because I pushed the way I do and she finally relented. You two are a lot alike, you know? Ethan and you, I mean. Always afraid that someone is going to abandon you. And I know why you fought being with him for so long. Why he was the first person in years you opened yourself up to. He may have been the one to break this time, but he’d been waiting for you to do it all along. I know that your life was far from ideal, but imagine growing up thinking that all the women in your life would leave and didn’t care. That’s what he was dealing with. His mom, grandparents, not to mention his sister who he’s never met. It messed him up, Olivia, and I think that took him by surprise.”

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