Page 51 of Gone for You

He grins that lazy grin I love. “Noted.”

“Have you ever done that before?”

“What, tie someone up?”

“Yeah.”

Ethan shakes his head and stretches his long body deeper into the cushions of his couch. I love his couch. It’s cozy and soft and filled with three days’ worth of memories of sexy times I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. “Never but I’m definitely open to it. You?”

“Same.”

“Double noted.”

I smile big, teeth showing and cheeks lifting, nodding my head.

“I really didn’t need more reasons to be excited to have you back here.”

Sighing, I tilt my head to the side. It’s hard to understand the reasons why I am so hesitant to start anything official when he looks at me like he does, says the things he says and is just… Ethan. “Are we crazy?”

“For?”

“I don’t know. Being so…”

“Into each other? Wanting something more? Trying long distance even though we never defined what this is?”

“Pretty much.” I curl my legs under me and lean on the arm of my gray and white striped chair. It’s oversized and beautiful but truth be told, not very comfortable. It’s stiff and rigid because it’s not worn in yet so I try to sit in it often.

“No. It’s not weird or crazy. Not when it feels as right as it does. Yeah, we have a lot to figure out but I’m willing to do that. Aren’t you?”

I suck in a deep breath and hate how vulnerable he sounds. I feel like an asshole, though, because it also feels really good to hear him say the words. One thing about Ethan is that he never hides his feelings from me. He’s said from the beginning he wants a future with us. But I just can’t do it yet. The only relationship I grew up knowing crumbled to dust before my eyes and I was the one at the center of it all. I had to listen to my parents bicker, fight, scream, and spew hateful words at each other.

He knows my fears. That my parents’ relationship falling apart spooked me. It didn’t help matters that the first relationship I was in while in college turned catastrophic really fast.

Jared started out as the perfect boyfriend. He was considerate and thoughtful, patient with me when I turned down his initial offers of going on a date. He wore me down over time, though. We were friends for a few months and then one night, I caved. After our first date, I wondered why I’d been so hesitant. Every moment we spent together was fun and exciting, everything that a new relationship usually is. But then, he turned into quite the ass, and that’s putting it mildly. Right at the three-month mark, he turned ourcasualdating relationship into him trying to control every single aspect of my life.

When he realized I wouldn’t bow to his every whim and just follow him around like a whipped puppy, he turned downright hateful. He would yell at me and call me names whenever I questioned why he was being so angry and rude. If I didn’t check in with him andget his permission– no lie – he’d scream at me that I was a cheater and hiding something from him. The turning point was the day he waited for me after class, he backed me into a wall and shouted in my face that I was a tease and attention whore because I wore makeup and a pair of shorts to class.

I laughed it off at first. Not theha, ha you’re so funnykind of laughing off, more like thewhatever, dude, you’re freaking crazykind of laughter and told him we were done. That I was worth more than being with some psychopath who would talk to me the way he had been.

But, as one can imagine, that didn’t go over so well. He would show up where my friends and I were, ruin our nights. Waited for me outside of work and made a huge scene in front of all my co-workers about what a hateful bitch I was.

It was a lot for a twenty-one-year old to take on. It may have happened six years ago, but it truly scared the shit out of me to realize I had such a terrible judge of character. I was falling for Jared and thought we worked well together. I wasn’t at the point where I saw myself marrying the guy, but he completely blindsided me with the one-eighty he spun. Unfortunately, that fear hadn’t gone away, no matter how many times I told myself it was over with. And it only got worse when my next relationship ended because he cheated on me. Just like my parents’ relationship ended.

Ethan’s not that way, I feel it in my bones, but that doesn’t take away the underlying fear that comes with handing your heart over to someone who has the power to crush it to dust.

When my dad asked my mom for a divorce, I knew, without a doubt, that if I ever foundthe onethat I would hold out until I knew without a doubt he was the guy I would spend my forever with.

“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly.

His answer comes quickly. “Don’t worry. I’ll convince you.” He doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about it, either. That’s either what I’m afraid of or looking forward to, I can’t decide yet.

I stand up from my chair, abandoning the quest to see if my butt can mold it to be something I’d actually enjoy sitting in. He chuckles when I turn a glare at the offending furniture. ”Still don’t like the chair, huh?”

“No,” I grumble. “I think it’s time to wave the white flag and get rid of it.” I pour myself a glass of water in the kitchen and lay back on the couch.

“I can’t blame you. I like my furniture squishy.”

“Yours is the best, too,” I say wistfully.

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